Friday, July 30, 2004

No holds barred brows

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"At, we don't view having one eyebrow as a grotesque, freakish human deformity. On the contrary. We think you are special (and not the kind of special where you wear a helmet.) The kind of special where people look at the hairy, catipillar-like growth above your eyes and say, 'Oh my God! What the hell is that thing?' You're not alone., celebrating the unity of your eyebrows."
$175k salary not cutting it for Ridge

When public figures leave jobs and say things like "I want to spend more time with my family," it never sounds all that convincing. When Tom Ridge says he needs to make more money to put his kids through college, it's just laughable:

"Several senior Homeland Security officials told The Associated Press that Ridge has indicated in recent weeks he probably will resign after the election, even if Bush wins. They spoke only on condition of anonymity, citing the delicate nature of describing private conversations with their boss.

"Ridge, 58, has explained to colleagues that he needs to earn money to comfortably put his two children, Tommy Jr. and Lesley, through college, officials said. Both are now teenagers. Ridge earns $175,700 a year as a Cabinet secretary."

Thursday, July 29, 2004

I was going through some of the comments. Some random stranger posted this link to his site: Pit Stop On-Board Urinal
I'll leave you in the company of Jimmy Kimmel and Happatai while I'm gone.
I'm off to D.C. to fight for liberty or something like that.
Not the A-Team I remember...

"JOHANNESBURG (AFP) - A gang of oversized women shoplifters has been terrorising shopkeepers and supermarkets in the South African port city of Durban over the past two months, police said.

"The gang targeted stores in the city's crime-prone business district and diverted security staff with 'commotion' while others packed their bags with goodies, Inspector Michael Read told AFP from Durban.

"'Size is a factor in that they use it to intimidate the staff,' he said, adding that the women operated in gangs of between four and 10.

"'The modus operandi is that some of them pick up a mock fight or cause commotion while the others fill oversized bags with clothes. They usually target clothes shops and cosmetic outlets and then sell them to streetside vendors at cheap prices.'

"Read said 'several arrests have been made but some of these women are still at large.'

"Security staff of shops in the area had been tipped by police to watch out for large women shopping in groups, he said.

"The phenomenon started five years ago in Durban but came to a stop with the arrest of an all-women's gang, known as the A-team, according to provincial police director Bala Naidoo."
Get your Christmas shopping out of the way

"Planned Parenthood Federation of America is selling the dark shirts with white lettering for $15 on its Web site.

"'It’s not meant to be shocking. It’s meant to be part of a bigger, political and serious conversation,' said Jennifer Baumgardner, who is making a documentary called I Had an Abortion that features women who don’t regret having abortions. The movie, which comes out in January, aims at countering abortion horror stories circulated by the Victims of Abortion group, she said.

"Baumgardner said she has sold about 200 shirts out of her apartment since January. She said her relationship with Planned Parenthood head Gloria Feldt led to Feldt’s offering to sell the shirt. Baumgardner supplied 250 shirts and doesn’t know how many have been sold.

"She said she was happy to have another outlet for the shirts and also to clear space in her apartment for the baby she’s expecting."

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Now this is the way to brainwash the masses! At the risk of alienating my readers who actually know something about comics, and I'll go out on a limb: Captain Capitalism might be the best comic hero ever. Be sure to check out "Economy" and the "4th of July" toons.
What's with Hollywood's casting choices lately? First Jack Black is slated to be the Green Lantern, then the corpse of Sir Laurence Olivier is resurrected for Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, and now Orlando Bloom is the next James Bond ?!? (or maybe its all just stupid rumor)

At least Worth1000 knows whats funny.

Monday, July 26, 2004

It's The Indian Shankar Drum Ganesh Machine! Aw, c'mon! It's even got a didjeridoo!
Here's a fun little brain teaser. 8 Queens of Death
Yet another reason I love this state.

If you thought the Steven Seagal ouevre had already reached perfection, you were mistaken. He's now topping the music charts in France with "Songs from the Crystal Cave."
Nick may have to shift his loyalties. Costco is for commies.

Saturday, July 24, 2004

You'll never think about a Dodge Ram the same way again.

Dodge's Vagina Emblem

Friday, July 23, 2004

Peasant's Quest

And no Victor, nothing beats Trogdor.
This goes on just long enough to make me think it was developed as some sort of brainwashing technique. If so, I say huzzah! Welcome to our happy fun cult.
I reported a while back on rumors that Dan Simmon's Hyperion is in the works to be made into a movie. It looks like his Song of Kali is also going to be made into a film and Darren Aronofsky (director of "Pi" and "Requiem for a Dream") is on board. It's not one of my favorite Simmon's books, but with Aronofsky directing, it should be pretty interesting.
Sometimes the lines between parody and reality are so blurry you just want to curl into the fetal position and weep. The Presidential Prayer Team.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

Ninja Jeopardy

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

I know that a few PoF readers spent countless hours glued to the Soul Caliber game at the Hillsdale Video Connection. You'll appreciate this: Dance, Voldo, Dance
I always knew there was something very gay about that game.
Just when the live action crapfest Thunderbirds threatens to quash the few fond marionette memories we might have, Matt Stone and Trey Parker step in to fill the void with Team America: World Police. (Ok, so I don't really have any fond marionette memories, I just needed a segue...)

Have yet another dark night of the soul?  Fear not solace seeker!  The Church of Spongebob Squarepants is here to meet all your spiritual needs. 

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Here's a fun little rant about charity runs over at Buttafly
"If they must do something physical to earn my donation, why can’t it be something useful? Why isn’t anyone offering to clean my oven for AIDS or pick up my dry cleaning for cancer? Or if they just must run, it seems like they could run somewhere useful. It does me no good to donate money based on how many miles a person runs around the scenic hike-and-bike trail. It’s about a 10K from my house to the grocery store and back, so if I’m giving them money to run around the city it seems like they might as well swing by Albertson’s and pick up a loaf of bread and some eggs."

Monday, July 19, 2004

George W. Bush gets playful

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More photoshopping fun from "Words that will never be used to describe this playing card deck of vintage George W. Bush erotica: 'hauntingly beautiful.'"

Friday, July 16, 2004

Get yourself "Baldwinized"

"Welcome! I'm Dr. Clive Boddicker and I am the founder and chief surgeon of the Baldwinization™ Centers of America. Baldwinization™ is the surgical procedure pioneered by myself which results in the patient's perfect resemblance of the Baldwin brother of their choice. People sometimes ask me, 'Clive, why have you made it your life's work to make ordinary, hard working people look like one of the Baldwin brothers?' My answer is always the same. 'Because I care for and love all humanity and believe that the key to true happiness lies in the supple, sultry lips and the seductive eyes of America's First Family of Acting™.'

"Whether you want to look like Alec in 'Hunt For Red October' or Daniel in a straight to video B-movie, we can do it. Why spend another day as an ordinary, average nobody when the key to the glamour and beauty is within your grasp?"
I know I shouldn't post this crap, but I found it laugh out loud funny: Hobbits Gone Wrong.
And you thought it was only a bad movie...

Sometimes real losers are stranger than fictional ones...

"OHIO - The Bexley Reckers hope to win their fourth national dodgeball championship July 24 in Chicago.

"Many team members are Bexley High graduates. Their ages range from late teens to early 30s. Many have past or current affiliations with the Bexley Recreation Department.

"'Winning the national championship three times puts Bexley on the map,' [staff member Barb Greiner] said. 'It's great what they're doing in this sport and it is what the community is all about -- our families and kids.' Sponsored by NADA (National Amateur Dodgeball Association)[they should have made it Society instead], the tournament is open to male, female and coed teams.

"When the Reckers won both the outdoor and indoor championships in 2001, NADA established a prize called The Bexley Cup. It's awarded to any team that captures both prizes in any one year. One other team besides the Reckers has won the cup.

"David Price has been pursuing a film career and lives in New York. Price and friends appear in the movie 'Dodgeball: A True Underground Story.' According to David Price, he wrote a dodgeball script four years ago and thought that many of his ideas showed up in the movie.

"'The dodgeball movie has helped to rejuvenate us,' said one member."
Remember Lebowski Fest?  Looks like this year, it's in NYC.  I won't be back by then, but I really think someone needs to attend and report back.  Inquiring minds want to know.

Thursday, July 15, 2004

Jugs of Pee update: Ohio

"Nearly 1 million bottles of urine. Four hundred tons of cigarette butts. Two thousand tons of beer cans and liquor bottles. That’s just some of the litter tossed out car and truck windows every year on Ohio roads, according to a new statewide study. In all, more than 11,700 tons of trash are dumped on Ohio roadways every year, the study found. Oh yeah, then there are the bags of feces. 'It is truly disgusting,' said Kelly Armfelt, spokeswoman for the Ohio Department of Natural Resources’ recycling and litter-prevention division, which commissioned the study. 'We had no idea it would be this significant.'

"Davey Resource Group, based in Kent, conducted the study.

"In the fall and spring, crews picked up every scrap of litter along 56 randomly selected roadways involving 31 counties. Then they sorted and weighed everything.

"State officials said they were shocked by what was found, including biohazardous materials such as diapers and syringes.

"'I had no idea we’d find bottles of urine on the side of the road,' said Ana Burns, project manager for Davey."
Arkansas celebrates new "tech-savvy" status

"LITTLE ROCK - Arkansas state government was named among the top-10 most digitally advanced state governments in the nation, according to study released Tuesday by the California-based Center for Digital Government.

"Michigan captured first-place in the survey, followed by Washington, Virginia, Indiana, Arizona, South Dakota, Tennessee, Utah and Arkansas. Colorado and North Carolina tied for 10th.

"'We are thrilled that those from around the country that are best able to assess significant technological advances are affirming that Arkansas is truly a leader in the use of technology,' Gov. Mike Huckabee said through a spokesman."
Zimbabwe Bans the Color Red from TV may also ban pink, purple, white and green

"Red is just the start," said Solly Solinga, spokesperson for Zimbabwean Television, when I phoned him about the decision to ban that colour from the country's TV screens because it symbolised the opposition Movement for Democratic Change party. "We have other colours in mind, too."

"But there is red in so many things," I argued. "You can't simply ban it out of the spectrum."

"We can do what we like with the spectrum, whatever that is," said Solly. "We are not bound by Western concepts. Besides, red also signifies other hateful things to our revered president. It is the colour of London buses, so beloved by our former colonial oppressors. There is also the red herring of human rights abuses, when everyone knows our people have never been happier. Worst of all is when our enemies claim our national finances are in the red, so envious are they of our favourite colour, black."

"The president is prepared to make an exception in the case of red carpets, so long as they are for him," said Solly. "Pink is also banned. It reminds the president of homosexuals."
"You mentioned other colours," I reminded Solly.

"Purple is out," he said. "It's the colour of archbishops. Yours were bad enough, but now our own Pius Ncube is going round treacherously calling for sanctions against Zimbabwe with the false allegation that the rule of law is being violated. Believe me, anyone who pitches up on TV in purple won't be seen again."

"But the rest of the spectrum is okay, is it? I mean the colours in it."

"Is white in this spectrum of yours?" asked Solly. "Because if it is, we are probably going to remove it from our TV programmes, too.

"It is the colour of racism. No one with a white face will in future be allowed to infect our nation on screen, and that includes cricketers in white clothing."

"But in the one-day internationals your chaps wear red."

"That shows how closely the two colours are horribly related," said Solly. "Did I mention green?"

"Not yet."

"Green is the colour of the Greenies, the imperialists who were opposed to our government's decision to nationalise all wildlife conservation areas and who claimed that this spelt the end of game protection. If they think their colour will appear on TV again, they have as much hope as a red-light district for gays in downtown Harare."

"You might as well revert to black-and-white TV," I commented.

"Except for the white," Solly reminded me. "Viewers will be happy with lighter shades of black, once we explain it's for their own good that we are keeping them in the dark."

I had to quote the whole thing. Priceless.
In case you had any doubts, the LP really is hopeless. It looks like Badnarik is insane and if I bother to vote, it'll probably be a write-in ballot for Dave Barry .
I know I shouldn't, but... Morrissey Dance.

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

17 uses for a dead cicada
Cicada Apparel
Cicada Beer

...and I don't even want to talk about the number of Cicada recipes that are floating around out there. Just gross.
Will Ferrell, "Afternoon Delight"

(You can probably just watch this and skip the movie...)
Just a fun flash bit:The Phone
10 Dumbest Moments in Sci-Fi Cinema
Mullets making a comeback in Kansas City

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"'It never quite goes and it comes back again,' said Mark Larson, co-author of The Mullet: Hairstyle of the Gods. 'It's kind of like what they say about the evolution of roaches. They've been here since the dinosaurs, and they just keep adapting. The mullet adapts.'

"So the style has mutated from the traditional mullet of short hair in front, cropped above the ears, and long hair in back, cascading over the shoulders. This time around we're dealing with a different breed: the shag mullet. Most popular with young men, the bangs hang just below the eyebrows, while the back creeps down to the shoulders.

"As with most trends, we have celebrities to thank. This summer former 'N Sync member JC Chasez and Maroon 5 guitarist James Valentine wore mullets at Verizon Wireless Amphitheater. Actor John Hensley of TV's 'Nip/Tuck' and Everclear frontman Art Alexakis are now doing the same.

"It could almost be passed off as shaggy hair. Almost.

"Jake Nelson of Kansas City loves his shag mullet, which he has had for about six months now.

"'It's a way to say kinda '(expletive befitting a mullet-wearing rebel) you' to the man,'' Nelson said.

"He's one half of a tag-team family mullet — his 11-year-old son, Brenden, also rocks the shag.

"'I'm really proud of my son's mullet,' Nelson said. 'I want him to grow it into a rat-tail mullet down his back.'

"While Nelson wears his hair with pride, plenty of young men are in denial, [Dana] Yates [who has been styling hair for 12 years] said. They see the shag on television and ask for hair like Ashton Kutcher of 'That '70s Show' or Brad Pitt's from the movie 'Spy Game.' They think it's just shaggy hair, but what they're really getting is the shag mullet.

"But the mullet may soon be trendy for women as well. Already models in Paris and people in New York and Los Angeles are sporting cropped bangs with a waterfall in the back, said Joyce Sander, a hairstylist in Leawood.

"The Midwest mullet for women — if it hits — might not surface until next year, Sander said, given the speed of other hair trends, but once here, hairstyles usually stay for three to four years.

"The modern mullet probably came from David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust phase in the early '70s. Kutcher may be responsible for bringing on the shag mullet, but there is no one man fully credited with sparking the resurgence."
W Ketchup is America's Ketchup

"The leading competitor not only has 57 varieties, but has 57 foreign factories as well. W Ketchup comes in one flavor: American."

I think the next round of Campaign Finance Reform should limit all political speech to condiment labels.
Brave girls assume heroic task of sewing new jeans for Michael Moore

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

I hate politics, but you should read this.
Snot Ball for sale

Continuing the Pieces of Flair tradition of bringing attention to fine artists such as Brandon Bird, I bring you James R. Ford.

Mr. Ford has been making headlines for his effort to sell a ball of his snot for $20,000.

This labor of love really just scratches the surface, though (no pun intended). Here he is channeling Bruce Lee in "Enter the Dragon":

Oh, you'll also want to check out Feecal the Little Chocolate Starfish.
As much as my ethnic heritage compels me to disdain the Swedes, I can't help but think I have a new hero in Stockholm:

"Paris Hilton was in a convenience store in Stockholm when she was accosted by a shopper there, who called her a “whore” and started screaming that he hated Americans."

Update: Swedish news is reporting that the guy is actually Croatian. This makes me one happy Finno-Croat. My jingoism will now resume its regulary scheduled programming.

Monday, July 12, 2004

More fun with Google. Search "anti-war peace protesters"
This spoof on Bush and Kerry is pretty excellent. (via HitandRun)
What happens if you sneeze?

"BANGKOK: Waiters wearing condoms on their heads greet diners at the 'Cabbages and Condoms' restaurant in Bangkok and volunteers dole out condoms of all shapes, colours and sizes at cash machines, metro stations and the airport. [What do you expect if you stop in for a bite at "Cabbages and Condoms" restaurant?]

"Visitors might be forgiven for thinking that Bangkok, infamous as the flesh-pot of southeast Asia, has gone condom crazy on the eve of the 15th International Aids conference.

"For weeks, bright red banners hanging from walkways, flyovers and trees across Bangkok have been announcing the biennial event, due to open on Sunday and expected to draw 15,000 delegates from 160 countries."

Sunday, July 11, 2004

Looking for the perfect gift? Pick up a little something at the Israeli Army Surplus Store.

Item #GM-1003 Israeli Gas Mask for Infant ($350 retail)

Friday, July 09, 2004

Who knew there was a subculture that combined the geekiness of Star Wars with the macho brawn of Monster Garage? Check out Road Squadron: Star Wars Cars

I think my favorite is the "Stormtrooper Ranchero."
Tomorrow I'm going to a family reunion. I thought I'd share an excerpt from the driving directions my cousin Randy just sent:

"Your first landmark is a dirt road on your RIGHT that takes you to O'Haver Lake/Marshall Pass; continue on the highway past this road and begin looking for an old mining shaft off to the LEFT, about a half mile up the highway. There should also be balloons tied to the guard rail. The dirt road to the cabin is just to the right of the mining shaft. You will not be able to see the road itself as it drops down off the highway. Aim between the mining shaft and the balloons and you will find the road. If you take this turn at 40 miles-an-hour or more you can catch some good air (make sure your shocks are in good shape)."

This should be fun.
School to put electronic tags on students to monitor safety

A primary school in Wakayama Prefecture will provide electronic tags on students' belongings that will help parents and teachers monitor their safety on the way to and from school, a local bureau of the telecommunications ministry said Wednesday.
The tags -- similar to those used for merchandise at retailers and wholesalers for inventory control -- will be attached to students' school bags or nameplates, while tag readers will be installed at the school gate and locations the parents and teachers think could be dangerous.

The readers will log the times students pass through the gate and alert the school when they approach designated "dangerous" premises, according to the Kinki Bureau of Telecommunications of the Ministry of Public Management, Home Affairs, Posts and Telecommunications.

Parents may also receive such information via e-mail sent to their mobile phones, or directly contact the school.

Where to begin....

Thursday, July 08, 2004

Not into registering for newspaper access?

There when you need it

You're on e-Bay bidding on a priceless Willit Farcle machine. With only minutes left in the auction and the current auction price at just $1.50, you can't possibly leave your computer. But after three cups of coffee and 2-liters of Pepsi, you've been crossing your legs for the last half hour and you just don't know if you can make it. Never fear, the Internet Urinal is here.

"That's right. All you need now is a portable refrigerator and you may never have to leave your computer again. The Internet Urinal is made of hard plastic and comes with a handy female adapter. Holds 32 oz. (that's one Big Gulp). Also great for road trips, stake outs, waiting in line for Star Wars tickets, and hundreds of other critical functions."

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Hunting for a good pair of socks

Columbus, OH - "Behind a North Side store, a frightened 9-year-old was stripped of his shoes and socks.

"The stranger who pulled them off had grabbed the child, then fled with the socks. As he ran, he dropped a piece of identification.

"The ID led police to Maurice C. Teague, who told officers he has more than 500 pairs of children’s socks. Police haven’t yet confirmed why or how he obtained them.

"'It’s odd, obviously — someone going after little boys’ socks,' detective Guy Patete of the Columbus police said. [cops love to state the obvious]

"Teague was arrested Sunday at his home. He had been stopped in the Ohio State University campus area earlier that day for attempting to buy socks from a child, which was creepy but not criminal, said detective Scott LeRoy. [see what I mean?]

"Police say that’s how Teague’s encounter with the 9-year-old began on Friday.

"According to police, the child was returning home from a Kroger store on Morse Road about 6:30 p.m. when Teague approached him and asked if he could buy his socks for $5. When the boy said no, Teague offered $10.

"When the child declined again, Teague allegedly picked him up and ran along the rear of the store to the loading dock area, where he pulled off the child’s shoes and then the socks from his feet.

"Teague has no criminal record.

"LeRoy declined to comment on why Teague wanted the socks or what he did with them. He said the investigation continues."
Is it too cynical of me to think that maybe the Provisional Authority in Iraq let the security situation get a little out of hand so that when the new Iraqi government took over and cracked down, they would gain immediate popular support? Just wondering...
The official website for Serenity (the Firefly movie) is now up. Not much there, but the blog is kinda entertaining.

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

There's a bunch of decent music videos on this site, including three by one of my recent finds: Franz Ferdinand.
Here's some of what RottenTomatoes has to say about White Chicks:

"[C]an White Chicks possibly be as bad as it looks? In two words: hell yes. "
"Clearly made with the intention of discovering a whole new sublevel beneath Lowest Common Denominator."
"They look more like cast members of Cats."
"Banshee-howlingly awful."
"If drugs weren't involved, sterilization should be."
"It demonstrates that no matter how bad you think the movies can get, you’re just not trying hard enough."
"The worst part is those fake blue contact lenses, making their eyes chilling, lifeless orbs. More than anything, it's those dead eyes that make White Chicks so horrible."

Monday, July 05, 2004

It's still a little early to make up my Christmas wish list, but I'm pretty sure this will be on it.

I'm also a big fan of the "Everybody loves a Christian girl" hat and the "Do the Jew" Mountain Dew logo shirt in case anyone is taking notes.
Here's a fun little mini lego Spiderman movie. If you haven't caught Spiderman 2 yet, I highly recommend it.

Saturday, July 03, 2004

Saddam playsRock Paper Scissors. Brilliant.

Friday, July 02, 2004

From the What Would Teddy Roosevelt Do Department...

Colin Powell dresses up as a construction guy and threatens to crush House of Saud with his mighty hammer sings YMCA.

Powell danced alongside five other U.S. officials dressed in fancy dress and blasted out a version of the 1970s disco classic to the delight of foreign ministers from across the Asia-Pacific and Europe.

The after-dinner show is an annual highlight of the ASEAN Regional Forum, a time for ministers to loosen up after discussing security issues.

In 1997 Madeleine Albright, bowled over the ministers when she performed a musical skit dressed as Evita Peron.
The website for the AntiDefamation League makes for some fascinating (albeit dark)reading. Fun facts of the day: "David Duke is the author of African Atto (1973, as Mohammad X) a street-fighting manual avowedly written to help the Klan identify "radical" African-Americans, who would buy the book); Finders Keepers (1976, as Dorothy Vanderbilt) a self-help sex manual for women; My Awakening (1998); and Jewish Supremacism (2002), an updated version of the section, "The Jewish Question," in My Awakening."

I can't decide which one is the creepiest. African Atto is just plain insidious, the anti-semitic stuff is pretty much par for the course, but a self-help sex manual for women written as a woman???? Eww.

Thursday, July 01, 2004

This is destined for internet infamy. I give you Travis!
Manufactured Will

"...the weaker the logical element in the processes of the public mind and the more complete the absence of rational criticism and of the rationalizing influence of personal experience and responsibility, the greater are the opportunities for groups with an ax to grind. These groups may consist of professional politicians or of exponents of an economic interest or of idealists of one kind or another or of people simply interested in staging and managing political shows.

The ways in which issues and the popular will on any issue are being manufactured is exactly analogous to the ways of commercial advertising. We find the same attempts to contact the subconscious. We find the same technique of creating favorable and unfavorable associations which are the more effective the less rational they are. We find the same evasions and reticences and the same trick of producing opinion by reiterated assertion that is successful precisely to the extent to which it avoids rational argument and the danger of awakening the critical faculties of the people. And so on. Only, all these arts have infinitely more scope in the sphere of public affairs than they have in the sphere of private and professional life. The picture of the prettiest girl that ever lived will in the long run prove powerless to maintain the sales of a bad cigarette. There is no equally effective safeguard in the case of political decisions. Many decisions of fateful importance are of a nature which makes it impossible for the public to experiment with them at its leisure and at moderate cost. Even if that is possible, however, judgment is as a rule not so easy to arrive at as it is in the case of the cigarette, because effects are less easy to interpret."

-Joseph Schumpeter, Capitalism, Socialism and Democracy
More fun with Jack Chick parodies. Via Hit and Run.