I keep running across these things, so maybe by posting them the cycle will stop.

The Velvet Vulva

Goth Auctions

Skortman

My Michigan friends really ought to head on out to the Oakland Mall and represent. Hung is in the hizz-ouse!

Happy Dale Earnhardt Day!

Just when you thought the 15 minutes were over... the Star Wars kid in Kill Bill.

Maddox tires of abortion debate, forms own political party

Sorry, Meredith, looks like those that laugh during movie death scenes will be some of the first to go. Here's where he stands on the issues:

- I have a different stance on abortion: I'm against abortion, but for killing babies.

- No protests. Under my government, there will be no assembly, peaceful or otherwise.

- No more police. Police officers will be replaced with a strike force.

- Vampire hunting will be a government sanctioned profession. I can't stand vampires and people who claim to be them. If there are real vampires, then there should be real vampire hunters. These are the same people who say they laugh during dramas when someone gets killed. We all know a person like this, they think they're morbid and mysterious because they force out a contrived chuckle during a death scene. Oooh, you laughed during a murder, you're so unique and evil.

- Ska is banned. Nobody listens to ska. (Sorry Will)

Anti-outsouring Michael Moore hires pasty Canadians to do his dirty work



"Moore, who has championed the cause of keeping American jobs within the borders of the United States during the recent debate over outsourcing, has himself granted a company named PLANK the job of developing and designing the look and operation of Moore's web site.

"Despite his vehement objections to outsourcing American jobs, Moore still hired the Montreal-based company to create his web site.

"In addition, the web host server for Moore's web site is also Canadian-owned by Webcore Labs, whose home office is located in Calgary, Alberta."

The Players Ball comes to Ohio



"'It’s part of America,' [Bishop Don Magic] Juan said before entering the Columbus ball. 'This year, Charlize Theron won . . . (an Oscar) for being a prostitute, so you know the game has been elevated.

"'Like the Bishop says: ‘Green for the money, gold for the honey.’ It’s the American way.'

"Inside the restaurant, other famous ex-pimps — including Ice-T, an actor on the NBC drama Law & Order: Special Victims Unit; and Seamore, a Chicago hair-salon owner and promoter — joined Juan onstage.

"Members of the crowd inched close, some standing on their tiptoes to get a look at the icons they had paid as much as $100 to see.

"Tiana Ellis, 27, wanted to be in the company of players, whom she views as achievers.

"'I see people struggling and overcoming the struggle and becoming a lot better; that’s what I’m trying to do,' said Ellis, a rapper from the East Side who calls herself a 'pimpette.'"

From Reason's Hit and Run:

George Mason University economists Tyler Cowen and Alex Tabarrok have been tearing up the blogosphere at Marginal Revolution for some time now. Now, colleagues Don Boudreaux and Russel Roberts have stepped into the ring with Cafe Hayek. I await the battle royale in which they face off in spandex tights with Jim Buchanan waiting ringside with a metal folding chair.

I can't tell you how amusing I find this image. I'll be giggling madly all day... Feel free to drop your suggested wrestler names in the comments box.

Future recipient of a Darwin Award? You be the judge: the Human Target.

I want a clown sweater of my own.

Steve Balmer - The Remix

Freedom is double-plus ungood



See how you, too, can get into fashion design at Students for an Orwellian Society.

IMAX and NASCAR? It's like some sort of dream.

Visit the site to find out what famous television personality is broadening his appeal by narrating this feature and learn nifty NASCAR trivia such as:

"Drivers lose so much liquid during races that bathroom breaks aren't needed."

AWESOME!

Geek Prom - a self-described awkward evening of romance. Credit to Kathryn for the find.

Be sure to try out the "Kool Inmate Search"

From Cruel.com, this is a site that only a well-meaning but woefully misguided public servant could have created:

The Commonwealth of Kentucky's Department of Corrections Guestbook

Included are such questions as:

"Hello, I was wondering when will you be hosting the next gladiator contest between prisoners?"

and

"Do they call it the 'kool' search because thats what all the inmates smoke?"

Todd points out 419 Eater - a site dedicated to scambaiting Nigerians and convincing them to send in pictures of themselves with various signs or in ridiculous poses before agreeing to do 'business' with them. Brilliant.

Also, a brief PSA: for those of you who eschew address books in favor of typing my email address from memory, a good rule of thumb is that I don't use underscores. My cousin, Reverend Marvin, on the other hand, is rather fond of them. I'm not sure he finds the emails that mistakenly end up in his box as amusing as I find the ones that end up in mine, but I'm sure that will be a fun topic at this year's family reunion. As an alternative, you can also use myfirstname@alumni.hillsdale.edu.

I've noticed over the last year or so that The Onion seems to be getting cheaper and lousier. A lot of their headlines aren't very funny and some of them are just plain bad taste. Take one of this week's headlines: "Weird Al Honors Parents' Memory With 'Tears in Heaven' Parody." That just makes me want to slap whatever editor thought that was funny. I'm as dark and cynical as the next person (and probably a lot more so), but whatever happened to showing a little class?

Steve Ballmer nearly has a coronary doing the MicroSoft dance. For some reason I'm having visions of a Howard Dean/Steve Ballmer presidential ticket where every campaign stop would inch the political process just that much closer to professional wrestling. Woooohooo!!!!!! YEEEARGGGGGGHHHH!

Milton from Office Space makes his own Tron costume. (Camel Toe and Disturbing Spandex Warning - I would post a picture, but there's only so many fat people in silly costumes this blog can take). Credit to Zach for the link.

PETA scores another huge victory at PETCO Park

"Taking a page out of an old high school yearbook trick, an official with an animal rights organization successfully placed a hidden message in a brick on the grounds of the San Diego Padres new stadium, Petco Park.

"People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) had a 12-word statement engraved in an 8-by-8 inch brick -- the commemorative bricks were offered by the Padres as part of a permanent display surrounding the team's new $411 million stadium.

"The message reads, 'Break Open Your Cold Ones! Toast The Padres! Enjoy This Championship Organization!' The first letter of every word spells 'BOYCOTT PETCO.'

"'Petco Park might be the place where homers go to die, but PETCO stores are where animals go to die,' said Dan Shannon, a PETA campaign coordinator."

PETA clearly needs to learn how to engage in more positive subliminal messaging if they really want to have a sponsored-brick impact.

Asylum escapees push stranded car to safety, impress closeted pensioner



"Two mystery men dressed as Batman and Robin have been fighting crime and saving damsels in distress in a small English town.

"Michelle Kirby was stranded when her Peugeot 206 ran out of petrol on Easter Sunday - until Batman and Robin appeared out of nowhere and pushed her car to the nearest petrol station.

"She said: 'They just appeared. I saw them running down the road in Batman and Robin outfits - I was laughing so much.

"'They said, 'I'm Batman, I'm Robin' and I said, 'No, you're not' and asked them if they were going to a fancy dress party but they said they were going back to Gotham City.'

"Ray Cox, 61, spotted the caped crusaders at about 11:30am after doing his morning shopping.

"'I said to my wife, it would make it a better and safer place with these men,' he said. 'Batman was quite a broad chap.'"

I'm off til at least Monday.

Wow. Just wow. Look what happened to one time TigerBeat fave, Kirk Cameron. Welcome to The Way of the Master.

For fans of the Chappelle show, here's Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories in DivX.

Choose Your Own New York!

This has been making the rounds lately, and it's too weird not to share: Subservient Chicken

Some suggestions:

Dance
Lay an egg
Push Ups
The sky is falling
Show me your white meat
Show me your dark meat
Die

It will also smoke, swim, fly, beg, golf, march, and my personal favorite "the monkey." Here's a complete list of commands.

Happy Easter Kids!

Just for Malice, a tribute to the Cadbury Creme Egg.

Old man to cops: "These kids today drive however they *%#$ well please!"

Cops to old man: "Get off the road, old man."

"A pensioner spotted driving the wrong way down a motorway stopped when he saw police, to complain that everyone else was heading in the wrong direction.

"The 86-year-old granddad from Bern, Switzerland, said he had even flashed his lights at six motorists on the A6 motorway to let them know they were in the wrong.

"Officers confiscated the pensioner's car keys and drove him home while a colleague followed in the man's vehicle.

"They are now reviewing whether to take his licence from him."

Note: Readers may also replace "old man," "The 86-year-old granddad from Bern, Switzerland," and "pensioner" with "Bob Klevay" if they so choose.

Headline of the Week: Finland: Land of Literate Children

"We are a little bit embarrassed about our success," said Simo Juva, a special government adviser to the Ministry of Education, summing up the typical reaction in Finland, where boasting over accomplishments does not come easily. Perhaps next year, he said, wishfully, Finland will place second or third.

and, no, that wasn't written by a staffer for the Onion.

News Flash: Chinese Pandas too fat to mate

"Conservation workers have introduced an exercise regime for giant pandas in Chinese zoos because they're too fat to mate.

"Pandas are being encouraged to lose weight and strengthen their limbs. They need help to get through the mating season, which usually starts in March and last three months, reports Xinhuanet."

Egg-tastic

I opened the trash folder in my Yahoo account, and look what was waiting for me: The Eggstractor, just in time for Easter!



The action video on the website takes the excitement to a whole new level.

Gotta get me one ofThose Shirts

Is the Mini Cooper an Autobot or Decepticon?
Part of me refuses to accept that this is not a hoax. Check out this real life transformer.

When Eastern Europeans decide to animate, you get Perk.

By request, here are some links for The Darkness. Be sure to check out their videos, especially the one for "I Believe in a Thing Called Love." And as long as I'm plugging bands, you should also check out Muse.

Cop Radio: We have a gang shooting on 3rd and Main. Three wounded, one dead.
Brian: Is it just me or is rap getting lazier?

Brian: Oh, please, Peter, your excuses are lamer than FDR's legs.
Meg & Peter: *gasp*
Brian: Too soon?

Family Guy Quotes

Sweet cicada-inspired melodies

Roger & Me viewers should be familiar with the excellent ideas local Chambers of Commerce come up with to promote their area. Not to be outdone by Flint's "Our spark will surprise you," Cincinnati is planning a Cicada CD to attract attention:

"The Walker Project and several other area acts were chosen by the Chamber of Commerce and the Midpoint Music Festival to make a compact disc celebrating cicadas."

A sample of The Walker Project's lyrics:

"Waited 17 years to party, now my wings are all dry and i'm about to fly, my stakes are high, i ain't going to lie, uh!"

Nestle comes clean about Aero bars



If you've ever had one of these, it's hard to disagree with their new marketing approach:

"An investigation is underway at a Nestle factory after a rude message was found on thousands of Aero wrappers.

"According to a source at the factory in York, the words 'S**t bar' appeared where the Best Before date and code would normally be printed."

Top 100 April Fool's Day Hoaxes Of All Time