Thursday, March 23, 2006

Write with style

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Looking to improve your writing? Here's your chance:

"A federal court ordered prosecutors to sell Unabomber Ted Kaczynski's papers and other personal effects--such as a copy of Strunk and White's The Elements of Style--to help pay the $15 million in restitution Kaczynski owes victims of his mail bombs."

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Every wash could be your last

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In honor of World Water Day, give yourself an incentive to conserve with Feto Soap's Razor Blade bars.
Be Prepared: The Motto of the Boy Scouts of America

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Steve at The Sneeze helpfully brings the Viagra ring into the spotlight.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Hail Xenu!
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I've avoided any scientology-Isaac-Hayes-Tom-Cruise-Southpark-good-riddance rants because I'm convinced there's nothing I can blog that isn't already obvious. But just to prove I haven't been asleep at the wheel, here's a round-up of worthwhile links:

Jimmy Kimmel shows a clip of Isaac Hayes' new voiceover career.

Penn's proof that Isaac Hayes seeks his forgiveness.

The infamous press release.

An illustrated history of Scientology.

And Letterman proves once again that he's a total hack by asking Matt and Trey the most boring questions he can invent. Seriously, he makes Carson Daly look good.

p.s. Props to Mr. Hayes for providing the best unintentional advertising for Southpark since the media's coverage of 162 utterances of the word shit.
In case you missed her two weeks ago, behold: the greatest cheerleader in the universe (for what that's worth).
Like rain on your wedding day....

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My alma mater sponsors a pro-mumia event (go here and here if you're not one of the three people who sees the humor of this).

And Christopher Hitchens and Garrison Keilor stop sparring long enough to share space under the definition of "reek." (Credit to Todd)
Fortune Magazine Has Been Infiltrated By the Church of the Subgenius

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Compare: Indeed, "the notion that busyness is the essence of business can only do us long-term harm," writes consultant Tom DeMarco in a book called Slack: Getting Past Burnout, Busywork, and the Myth of Total Efficiency.
DeMarco knows the word "slack" has some not-so-hot connotations -- slacking off, slacker, slack-jawed... -- but his definition is different: the degree of freedom required to effect change.


With: The central belief in the Church is the pursuit of Slack, which generally stands for the sense of freedom, independence, and original thinking that comes when you achieve your personal goals. The Church states that we were all born with Original Slack, but that Slack has been stolen from us by a worldwide conspiracy of normal people, or "pinks". The Church encourages originality and frowns on actions seen as pinkness, which happens when you bow down to authority and the accepted limits of society. Popular Church phrases supporting these goals are "The SubGenius Must Have Slack" and "Fuck 'Em If They Can't Take A Joke."

Q.E.D.
From realistic to unflattering in two easy steps

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Tired of throwing pies and sitting on three grand? Take your political protest to the next level with the Create-A-Candidate package from Facemakers Incorporated.
Slate on the virtue of buying organic

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Reasons To Buy Organic

Save Energy: "In terms of energy savings, there's no contest: Just think of the fossil fuels expended getting those organic tomatoes from Chile."

Help the Small Farmer: "Almost all the organic food in this country comes out of California. And five or six big California farms dominate the whole industry."

It's Good for You
: "American populism chafes against the notion of good health for those who can afford it. Which brings us to the newest kid in the organic-food sandbox: Wal-Mart, the world's biggest grocery retailer, has just begun a major program to expand into organic foods. It's likely that neither Wal-Mart nor Whole Foods will do much to encourage local agriculture or small farming, but in an odd twist, Wal-Mart, with its simple 'More for Less' credo, might do far more to democratize the nation's food supply than Whole Foods. The organic-food movement is in danger of exacerbating the growing gap between rich and poor in this country by contributing to a two-tiered national food supply, with healthy food for the rich. Could Wal-Mart's populist strategy prove to be more 'sustainable' than Whole Foods? Stranger things have happened."

Link via DoL.
New Ben Harper full cd listening party

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Rolling Stone says: "The rap on Ben Harper's music up to this point has been that it's been too derivative. This could be the album where he finally transcends that: "Engraved Invitation," for example, uses "Jumpin' Jack Flash" as a starting point, but it isn't a replica of the Stones; it's Harper using raunch as a starting place for his own more spiritual trip. It's the kind of liftoff from rooted points of departure he's always made. But on Both Sides of the Gun it takes you higher."

Monday, March 20, 2006

Super Spek Me

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The Morgan Spurlock amusements continue:

"A Czech man, inspired by American film maker Morgan Spurlock's film 'Super Size Me,' was interested to see how his own body would respond if he ate an 'unhealthy' Czech diet.

"Karel Gustav Bozan called the experiment 'Super Spek (Shpeck) Me,' the word 'spek' meaning 'fat' in slang.

"Under the guidance of doctors, Bozan ate fatty meals such as goulash with dumplings or baked sirloin steak with a cream sauce.

"He ate the 'unhealthy' Czech food for a month only to discover that he lost weight during the exercise."
Juiceman

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or Juicelady?

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Furries dominate American wine market

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"A fish, a monkey, a kangaroo — Americans just can't get enough of the animals swimming, swinging and hopping onto wine labels.

"In the super-competitive business of selling wine, animals give new brands an edge. Americans buy twice as much of new wines with beasts on their labels as they do other new wines, according to the marketing information company ACNielsen."
The Economist speculates on the future of shaving

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Via DoL: "Twin blades seemed plausible. Three were a bit unlikely. Four, ridiculous. And five seems beyond the pale. Few people, though, seem willing to bet that Gillette's five-bladed Fusion is the end of the road for razor-blade escalation. More blades may seem impossible for the moment—though strictly speaking the Fusion has six, because it has a single blade on its flip-side for tricky areas—but anyone of a gambling persuasion might want to examine the relationship between how many blades a razor has, and the date each new design was introduced.

"This relationship (see chart) suggests shavers are going to get more blades whether they need them or not. However, just like Moore's law—the observation that computer chips double in power every 18 months or so—it seems that technology as well as marketing determines the rate at which new blades are introduced.

"It is simply not possible to add a new blade whenever the marketing department wants one. Every additional blade, explains Michele Szynal, a spokeswoman at Gillette, adds weight and size to a razor. Firms must therefore find ways of making both razor and blades lighter, which means thinner blades, more closely spaced, made of special materials, with new coatings.

"So what does the future hold? With only five data-points, it is hard to be sure exactly which mathematical curve is being followed. If it is what is known as a power law, then the 14-bladed razor should arrive in 2100. The spate of recent innovation, however, suggests it may be a hyperbola. In that case, blade hyperdrive will be reached in the next few years and those who choose not to sport beards might be advised to start exercising their shaving arms now."
I like butter

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I recognize that most people seem to equate eating butter with a dangerous flirtation with death and so I'm trying to make the switch to margarine. I just can't get images of things coming to life in the fridge - like the talking Parkay tub or The Stuff - out of my mind, though, and they freak me out.

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Reading this passage from The Secret House doesn't help matters:

"Margarine is made from fat. It was first invented in response to an award offered by the French Emperor, Napoleon III, after the urban rebellions of 1848 to find a cheap source of fat for the working classes who could not afford butter. Today there's soya fat in margarine, also the fat you get from squished herrings, and about 20 per cent of the total is beef fat or even nice old-fashioned lard—pig's fat. All these fats are mixed together and melted, and if you think molten pig's fat smells bad, you should wait till you've had the misfortune to walk through a factory where it's being stirred in with boiling herring and other fats. The whole mess is so repulsive, so clearly distasteful and unmarketable (it comes out colored grey on top of it all) that before anything else is done it has to be funneled into even larger deodorizing vats to try to get rid of the stink.

"What comes out of the deodorizer, while at least it can be approached without gagging, is still not quite the tempting substance commercial margarine is supposed to be. It's grey, it's sticky, and it's far, far too chunky. The grey gloop is poured into another vat, metal shavings are clunked in before it, then the vat is screwed shut and high-pressure hydrogen gas is sprayed in. The fats are boiled and compressed in there, they react with the nickel and hydrogen, and when finally the ordeal is over and the top taken off, the lumps are gone."

Friday, March 17, 2006

Pants to poverty

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Will someone please buy these people some of Bono's "fairtrade" $75 t-shirts and $195 pants before we all go blind?
The trouble with moshing...

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...is that someone might take your picture and post it online.
All the Gallo you can handle

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Have you been thinking you need more Vincent Gallo in your life? Your troubles are over. Between The Vincent Gallo Appreciation Page and vgmerchandise.com, you should be all set.

In addition to films, posters and cd's, vgmerchandise also has some more unusual items. Cruel.com reports on the following:

"If you're not interested in buying any of his clothing, the actor Vincent Gallo offers another collectible that requires special storage.

"He's selling his sperm for $1 million (scroll down):

"'Mr. Gallo will supply sperm for as many attempts as it takes to complete a successful fertilization and successful delivery. Sperm is 100% guaranteed to be donated by Mr. Gallo who is drug, alcohol and disease free. If the purchaser of the sperm chooses the option of natural insemination, there is an additional charge of $500,000. However, if after being presented detailed photographs of the purchaser, Mr. Gallo may be willing to waive the natural insemination fee and charge only for the sperm itself.'"
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In the tradition of Pimp My Lando, Playskool gives us Strawberry Shortskank (via Etc)

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Supply and demand

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Thanks to a very special offer, you can lay your hands on a $400 NASCAR gee-tar for less than half the sticker price. Who could have guessed that slapping Jeff Gordon's car on a Silvertone would leave retailers with stock to unload?

Thanks to Mr. Miro for the heads up on this important development.
It's not extreme unless it's 170 degrees!

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Why is it that all so-called "extreme" drinks are served pleasantly chilled? As long as you're going to drink carbonated battery acid, you might as well bring it to a boil (and add a slice of lemon).

Hot Dr. Pepper

12 ounces Dr. Pepper
2 lemon slices

"Pour the Dr. Pepper into a saucepan. Heat until it is hot and bubbly, at exactly 170 degrees F. Place a lemon slice in the bottom of each of two mugs. Pour the Dr. Pepper into the mugs, then serve immediately."

Happy St. Urho's Day!

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Alan Moore loves Hollywood

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Just kidding: "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen was the reason why I decided to take my name off all subsequent films," he says in part one of an interview from The Beat:

"In talking to Moore – who is just as fascinating and voluble as you've heard – it becomes clear that the situation with his work at DC and in Hollywood causes him a lot of very real pain.

"Despite Moore's unhappiness, he does manage to talk about V FOR VENDETTA, a work of which he is justly very proud."

Part two is here.

Via Boing Boing.
You're one in a million

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Brighten someone's day:

"This mug is a great gift for any occasion, and lets your friend or family member know that they are 'One in a million...' which means there are a thousand people in China exactly like them."

Also available: Pimp creepers for babies and mousepads displaying George Bush's thoughts on asparagus.
Stock up on ink pads

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Highlander Celtic Stamps
- THE site for all of your Scottish and Irish-themed stamping needs.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Sweet 'n Meaty

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Via DoL: "The Grizzlies and Krispy Kreme Doughnuts have teamed up to create 'Baseball’s Best Burger.' The burger, which was debuted at the Grizzlies' December 10th sale, consists of a thick and juicy burger topped with sharp cheddar cheese and two slices of bacon. The burger is then placed in between each side of a Krispy Kreme Original Glazed doughnut."

2006 Pieces of Flair Robot-Song-Off

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Will robots eat away at your free will, or are they more likely to increase our farming productivity? Who cares - what everyone really wants to know is who has the best song about these walking tin cans.

Therefore, PoF is hosting its first ever Robot-Song-Off. Readers can listen and vote to determine who will walk away Winner of the Pieces of Flair 2006 Robot-Song-Off. In addition, a fabulous prize package consisting of all kinds of flair will be sent out to the worthy songwriter.

If in the process the PoF Robot-Song-Off raises some awareness for Rodney Brooks' group at MIT, well, all the better.

UPDATE: Winner announced!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Entry #1: "Gears of Fire" by Sequin Socks
Creator Lesley Braden describes the tune as "a song about forbidden robot love, the longing of love by a robot who knows its function in life is only to serve another, not to satisfy its own emotional needs."

Entry #2: "Robodance" by Sonic Love
Jojo explains that the song is "about an elderly robot acting tough."

Entry #3: "My Robot" by Duncan Parsons
Duncan says that "It's about a chap's relationship with his plastic pal who's fun to be with."

Entry #4: "Dancing Machine" by Let's Audio
"Parappa the Rapper" lead artist Rodney Greenblat tells us that "my friend Abby Denson and I made [this] nice robot disco song in 2001 for our CD - LET'S AUDIO."

Entry #5: "Robot Voice - Revolution" by Elektroniqa
According to the website, songwriter KEv says that he is "Lucky to be able to practice my art - music is a big part of my life. To be able to share it with you - an even greater gift."

Entry #6: "A Robot Overcompensates" by Victor Lams
Victor explains that "This song is about a Motoman PX800 Painting & Coating Robot who is kind of a jerk."

Entry #7: "Tiny Robots" by Mr. Miro
The song that begged for a Robot-Song-Off! Mr. Miro tells us that Tiny Robots "is a quick stab at the more obvious flaws" of Lutheran theologian Ted Peters' account of free will in the book Playing God?.

Entry #8: "sparks fly" by Wildchurch
Knockman says that this is "a ditty written from the perspective of a robot in love - a kind of synthetic chanson."

Entry #9: "Robot Discotheque" by xoxos
According to xoxos, this is "a popular-format song."

UPDATE: Winner announced!

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Soothes what ails you

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"How to Make a Pepto Vodka Cocktail:

Add 2 shots Vodka to 2 shots Pepto-Bismol. Stir. Enjoy."

If that doesn't sound appealing, here are some other Pepto-based options:

The After Hours

The Pepto Pete

Saturday, March 11, 2006

When Jugglers Feud


I've been listening to all the MP3 streams of PennFreeFM that I can get hold of and I can't recommend the show enough. Anyhow, in a lovely radio-web-crap-crossover, Penn has taken aim at the Chris Bliss' juggling bit that has been making the rounds. (I'm so glad I never posted it when I saw it about two weeks ago...) Anyhow, after shredding the Bliss bit for being amateurish, Penn goads obsessive compulsive juggler, Jason Garfield, into one-upping Bliss. Here is the result.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Stupid in America

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Via DoL: Stossel takes on the education system.
Free concert for Eels fans

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Derivative? You make the call:

EELS with strings - Live at Town Hall

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Mail carriers (and recipients) of the world, unite!

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I received four AOL CDs yesterday alone. I'm debating between the following courses of action:

Collect / Trade them

Build with them


Mail them

Shoot them

Other ideas are more than welcome.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

The faith of the drawn

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Americans like their superheroes to kick ass and take communion:

The Religious Affiliation of Comic Book Characters


Thanks to that "harsh, harsh man" known as Klevay for the link.
Take a stand

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Recent news items indicate that the world's squirrel population is contemplating mass revolt. Playful dogs and unsuspecting cyclists have already suffered severe consequences. Now, thanks to The Squirrel Defamation League, we can join together and speak out about this important issue.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Listen up

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He's no Mike Schank, but Mr. Miro still tells it like it is (see here and here). A wise man once said, "Don't take my word for it." In that tradition, feel free to judge for yourself:

Tiny Robots

You've probably wondered many times what it might sound like if David Byrne channeled Geddy Lee. Now you can find out with this hot track:

Burnin' Down
Share your ideas

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"The Halfbakery is a communal database of original, fictitious inventions, edited by its users."

Recent entries include Beer & Cigarette Flavoured Mints and Velcro Plates.
Bored?

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Why not make a haunted toilet snow globe?
Inane Actually

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Looking for a Bono-inspired romantic comedy about a G8 Summit that manages to pull off little romance, not much comedy and even less substance about global economics? You're in luck.

After viewing, you may consider joining the Make Richard Curtis History Coalition. "Our strategy is simple: we all go over to Richard Curtis's large house and drown him in his large swimming pool. If Bono, Bob [Geldof] and Chris Martin are there too, which is quite likely, we'll knock them off as well. Then we take all their money and give it to Mali."

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Live Action Simpsons Intro (via Malice)

Fear of Girls - Gamer Mockery (credit to Todd)

Saturday, March 04, 2006

The thrill of competitive sports

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"The World RPS Society is dedicated to the promotion of Rock Paper Scissors as a fun and safe way to resolve disputes. We feel that conserving the roots of RPS is essential for the growth and development of the game and the players.

"The World RPS Society is involved in many areas of the sport, such as; research studies, workshops, tournaments at both local and international levels, book publishing, and much more."

Friday, March 03, 2006

More Hasselhoff as promised...

Lookin' for Hoff Love?

and the Greatest Calendar Ever Made.
CSPAN - Saturday, March 4 at 8:00 a.m.

Author and journalist Steven Greenhut spoke at the Independent Institute in Oakland, California about his book “Abuse of Power: The Government Misuse of Eminent Domain.” Timothy Sandefur, an attorney at the Pacific Legal Foundation, joins the author in discussing the various ways the government has abused the power of eminent domain in the pursuit of seizure of property from private owners. The panelists’ discussion ranges from the time of American colonization to present day. They also talk about the 2005 Supreme Court case Kelo v. New London in which Mr. Sandefur wrote a friend-of-the-court brief on behalf of members in the Kelo party. The discussion is moderated by David Theroux, president and founder of the Independent Institute.
Keep drinking - it might save your life

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"New research suggests that a few extra pounds can be good for you -- if you're male and unlucky enough to be in a car accident, that is.

"Moderately overweight males are more likely to survive serious car accidents than either the thin or the very fat. Apparently, a bit of extra padding -- but not too much -- provides extra protection, according to the study.

"For reasons that aren't clear, women don't get the same protection from extra weight: Being fat, thin or in-between didn't affect their likelihood of dying in a car accident, the study found.

"Why would body weight affect fatality rates in men but not in women? Arbabi suggested that it may have something to do with the physics of car accidents and the way that fat appears on the body. Overweight men tend to look like apples, with weight around their bellies, while overweight women look like pears, with fat around their hips and buttocks."
Everything you ever wanted to know about Labyrinth

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"It should go without saying that my favorite movie is of course Labyrinth, which I first saw on November 29, 1986 when I was 15 years old, and have seen at least 50 times since. My favorite actress is Jennifer Connelly, who starred in it. And yes, like the character Sarah, I have a poster of M. C. Escher's Relativity on my wall!"

Thursday, March 02, 2006

R.I.P. Harry Browne - not a FEE alum, but close enough to complete the death comes in threes quota.
What to do in a cryonics emergency

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Thanks to our friends at The Cryonics Institute, we now have an answer:

"***BEFORE PROCEEDING ANY FURTHER:***

IF THE PERSON HAS ALREADY DIED, COOL HIS OR HER HEAD

IMMEDIATELY.

PLACE ICE CUBES, OR CRUSHED ICE, OR WATER ICE, IN A PLASTIC BAG, AND COMPLETELY COVER THE FRONT, TOP, BACK AND SIDES OF THE PERSON’S HEAD.

Click Here if death HAS NOT YET occurred and the person IS NOT a CI member.

Click Here if the person HAS ALREADY DIED and IS NOT a CI member.

Click Here if the person that is dying or deceased IS NOW a CI member."
Iowa man creates desperate pleas for companionship

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"Iowa artist Patrick Acton turns ordinary wooden matchsticks into incredible works of art. The Matchstick Marvels display is wood art at its best, showing creativity and detail work unmatched by other skilled woodworkers. Millions of matchsticks have been painstakingly glued together to represent models of planes, trains, ships, or anything else that strikes his imagination.

"Since 1977 Acton has built large matchstick models. Many are featured in Ripley's Believe It or Not museums in the United States, Mexico, Australia, Indonesia, and Europe."

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Dare for more. via Ultimate Insult.
Make a statement

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Wear what you believe. If the graphic design on this is too exciting for you, a less intense version is available here (for more money).
Order early for next year

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Planned Parenthood follows up on their "I had an abortion" t-shirt campaign with more excellent marketing. Unfortunately, it's too late to order their chocolate birth control pill packet for Valentine's Day this year, but it's probably a good idea to stock up now for future needs.
Dance Dance Revolution

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This is somewhat old, but I couldn't help sharing when I came across the story:

"A California man dubbed a 'Satanist' on an online message board has posted photos of himself dancing on President Ronald Reagan's grave, raising the ire of the former chief executive's admirers.

"Posted on Ruthlessreviews.com, the photos show a thin, white man likely in his 20s wearing an AC/DC T-shirt and having hopped over the fence that protects Reagan's grave.

"The poster, who goes by 'TheFreakKingdom' and claims he's from San Diego, writes with one photo: 'Judging from my expression and body language, combined with what little I do remember, this appears to be about the time security guards noticed I had jumped the fence and started jigging over Reagan's rotting corpse (the original plan called for the Electric Slide, and then humping the ground, and then whatever else I could get away with, but security was stricter than we had anticipated).'"

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

The Garfield Randomizer.

Genius.
Have you high-fived a muslim today?

Monday, February 27, 2006

David Cain Juggles for Jesus.



A sample of David's show:

Huge, air-filled garbage bags are juggled to illustrate the importance of not filling our lives with garbage. (Rom. 1:29-31)

A wide variety of props (including Barbie and Ken dolls as well as an apple) are juggled to tell the story of creation, the fall, and redemption of mankind. (Rom. 5:17)

Beanbags and bouncy balls are juggled to illustrate how the Resurrection makes Jesus very different from every other religious leader throughout history. (Acts 2:31; 1 Cor. 15:14)

and my personal favorite:

Clubs are juggled over a volunteer to illustrate what genuine faith is really like. (James 2:14-26)

David also offer Christian Unicycle Lessons and Christian Jump Rope Routines in case juggling doesn't get you all the way to enlightment. After all, how can you turn down a guy who Willy Ames aka "Bibleman" aka "Buddy from Charles in Charge" aka "the Tattooed Psychopath on last season of Celebrity Fit Club" thinks is "...totally awesome!"

More juggling posts still to come...
Massive Multiplayer Pong

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Fermented Tang


It's like Pruno for hipsters.

Friday, February 24, 2006

As if curling had any dignity to spare...



"During the fifth end break (curling's version of halftime and/or a seventh inning stretch), a large and not-too-muscular guy ran out across the sheet. Nothing on except for the obligatory online gambling ad and a strategically-wrapped rubber chicken."

I appreciate the fact that the article completely fails to note who won the bronze medal match as clearly no one cares.