Lift those cheeks



Learn to sing with Ron Popeil's sister. Free video tips are available every week online.

"I have taken lessons for quite some time ending with the thought, that 'you can't be taught to sing'. I am wrong! Lisa Popeil's technique is my answer. Thank you!"
L. Larson - Blaine, Minnesota

Once you complete the program, you'll want to get the accompanying t-shirt:
"STAND BACK! I FEEL A SONG COMING ON." It's her best-seller.

Looking to buy?



Why not hire the star of Avia Vampire Hunter? Rodney's got you covered:

* rapper...
* actor...
* entrepreneur...
* web designer

Via Malevole.

Hollywood tries to make Paul Walker the new Helen Hunt



Remember What Women Want, Cast Away, Pay It Forward and even Dr T and the Women? There was a time when America couldn't get enough of Helen Hunt. That day has passed. Perhaps it is time to make a similar decision about Paul Walker.

Subtlety is overrated



The Accidental Hedonist tries Guinness ice cream and gives the following review: "The ice cream itself turned out quite good, but it is very bold, rich and deep. This is not an ice cream with subtlety. Consider yourself warned."

Sounds better than the Iron Chef's infamous cod fish roe ice cream, in any case.

Orange you glad you're not Detroit?

Happiness is Marimba Ponies. Via BoingBoing and WFMU (more links there).

Tian's blog is quickly becoming one of my favorites. This lovely post has so much Flair goodness, I'm just going to send you there instead of stealing all his links.

Unbelievably good remix: Toy Story 2, Requiem

Post Valentine's Day Blues



Matt Cale finds romance in Bubble:

"Within days of seeing this movie, I watched a couple at a restaurant share a meal, but remain completely disengaged from each other. They neither spoke nor shared eye contact, and this lack spoke volumes about how we usually share physical space, but only out of habit, rather than a coherent, definable explanation. When pressed, I'm sure quite a few of us would have no idea why we are in a particular relationship, or claim to be in love, but we go through the motions anyway because we're too exhausted to do otherwise. Our current state might be pushing us to the brink, but as rats in a maze, we fall back on the devil we know."

R.I.P. Ed Opitz

Hungry?



From turduckens to mega-burgers, SupersizedMeals.com covers all the bases.

John Kricfalusi blog



Via Boing Boing: Ren and Stimpy fans of the world can now get a daily dose of madness at all kinds of stuff.

And just because it wouldn't be a real holiday without some PoF Valentine's Day snark: A Kiss for Joe

Trust me on this one and have patience: German Forklift Safety Video

I swear it must be a Verhoeven or Carpenter short.

Go, Go, Go!



Now that our old toilet designs are outmoded, we need to find new uses for all of the existing hardware.

Kudos to Dan Radosh for pointing out this great book review by Garrison Keillor (no, really!). I could barely contain my giggles at his thrashing of Bernard-Henri Levy's "American Vertigo."

Despite what our favorite contrarian, Mr. Hitchens, may think, this goes back to something I know I've mentioned here before, that is, European writers just don't get America. Even some of the best ones (I'm thinking Umberto Eco and perhaps herr Hitchens himself) just get it all wrong.

Anyhow, for those struggling with the flow chart: BHL criticizes America, Keillor bashes BHL, Hitchens berates Keillor, Radosh calls Hitchens on humorless-ness, PoF throws food from the peanut gallery.

Semi-related: BHL finds the American left is in a coma.

Bored with the same old candlelit dinner, red roses and chocolate truffles on Valentine's Day? Newly rich Chinese are looking to something decidedly more edgy -- matching plastic surgery for him and her.

In Shanghai's increasingly competitive plastic surgery market, clinics are offering Valentine's Day discounts to lovers looking for something extra to signify their emotional bond.
...
Some medical facilities in Shanghai have reported a surge in business by as much as 30 percent in the lead-up to Valentine's Day.

Plastic surgery, which was illegal in China until the early 1980s, has proliferated over the past five years as people have become richer.

The official Xinhua news agency estimates that cosmetic operations are now a three-billion-dollar business in China, with more than one million clinics nationwide.

Credit to Nick.

C.O.M.B.A.T. for Christ



I'm sure you have dealt with the anguish of preparing your youth to conform to the image of Christ. You have fought with Hollywood and the Music Industry to gain the minds and hearts of America's youth. Many today within the Church are ready to surrender our most valuable resource (our children) to the enemy's camp. I AM NOT! God has a work for the young men and women of today. A work that depends on us to train and lead them to "fight the good fight of faith."

Laid within five sections of the C.O.M.B.A.T. course: COMMITMENT... OBEDIENCE... MIND... BODY... ATTITUDE... TESTIMONY..... We have constructed hands on object lessons that will educate, enlighten, and even entertain the young men and women who complete this course.

Man, when the infidels invade Tennessee, they won't know what hit 'em.

Because we're overdue for a urine-related link: the PeePee Project

Jesus must have loved the 70's. Disco Jesus.

Monorail! Monorail! Monorail!



From Boing Boing: Ray Bradbury channels Lyle Lanley:

"The monorail is extraordinary in that it can be built elsewhere and then carried in and installed in mid-street with little confusion and no destruction of businesses.

"As soon as possible, we must call in one of the world's monorail-building companies to see what could be done so that the first ones could be in position by the end of the year to help our huddled traffic masses yearning to travel freely.

"The freeway is the past, the monorail is our future, above and beyond."

Of course, Bradbury's long-standing refusal to drive probably has nothing to do with his position.

Update: But can it move puppies???

We're overdue for a good photoshop post. From Worth1000: If Canadians Ruled the Earth

Any means necessary



From Ex Parte via DoL: "This hilarious Detroit News article reveals that unions have been hiring the homeless - at minimum wage and without health care benefits - to picket at non-union job sites. Oh, the humanity! Oh, the hypocrisy!

"'We're giving jobs to people who didn't have jobs, people who in some cases couldn't secure work,' said George Eisner, head of the union's mid-Atlantic regional council in Baltimore.

"God, I love these quotes. So, um, how exactly is this different from the employees at the non-union construction site that you're protesting? I wonder if these union schmucks realize the extent to which their defense of this practice undermines the whole purpose of unions."

I've deftly avoided posting the thousand and one links related to intoonfadah, but this one I just can't resist.

AICN adds a contribution to V-day with these X3 valentines mocking the unfortunate Rent-vibe that is permeating their ad campaign.

Conan Sets Sail for the Motherland

(just imagine him in blue and white)

"Late Night" host Conan O'Brien has joked that no one watches his talk show. That's certainly not the case in Finland, where he has become an unlikely cultural icon - and soon a visiting one.

The quirky, self-deprecating NBC host, along with a camera crew, will visit the Nordic country next week. He'll meet with newly elected Finnish President Tarja Halonen and receive an award on Feb. 14 at the Telvis Awards in Helsinki for being "the most surprising and entertaining TV personality in Finland."
"Once I conquer Finland, I'll head south through the Baltics and on to Belarus," O'Brien joked. "Soon, all the world will find me mildly amusing."


This is so much better than Toronto.

Credit to Nick.

What is love? Remix compilation. Worth it just to see the "What doth love be?" version.

Another Valentine's Day option



From BoingBoing: "True love may wait, but goatse does not."

More odd valentines at Seven Deadly Sinners.

In case you missed her... Article III Groupie is back! ...and David Lat, the man behind the gender-bending nom de plume is now slumming with Wonkette.

All the Brokeback Mountain parodies you can stand. For those who want the latest updates, be sure to check out Tian's blog.

Welcome to Bobacabana. Crazy begins near the yearbooks and comes into full bloom somewhere around the cereal boxes. I can't even begin to comment on the anime.

Apparently, I'm in the right character class to save the universe.

Arriving in a new town for the very first time, dressed in a confused mishmash of brown leggings, a priestly robe, chain mail jerkin, leather gloves, three magic rings, a large amulet necklace and a pointed wizard's hat, any number of distraught mothers will approach me and beg that I find their missing children/husbands/swords. Perhaps, I might be walking around naked but for the scrap of cloth protecting my decency and a fine pair of kobold-hide boots, but this won't prevent the local baker from requesting that I take a magic cake to his colleague in a neighbouring town, or the grumpy old codger from barking at me that I should clear his basement of vampiric rats.

What are they thinking? Do they ask just anyone who walks past, and I'm the only one daft enough to stop and listen? And when, exactly, was the last time someone accosted you in the street and asked you to complete a quest for them?

I decided to put this to the test.

The plan: To take to the streets, dressed as a wizard, with a quest for the good peoples of Bath, England.

If you haven't been watching Project Runway obsessively, you may have missed the delightful clips of quirky egotistical Santino doing many impromptu impressions of Tim Gunn, Chair of the Parsons School For Design. Check out this spot-on impression of Gunn reciting Nine Inch Nail's Closer.

Chewbacca-blog. Brilliant.

Drew blows a gasket



Normally mild-mannered and good natured Toothpaste for Dinner artist Drew recently sent out this message to his loyal readers:

"hey notifylist people,

"thanks a whole f*#king lot for all your corrections. it really is
awesome. i mean, i totally needed about 300 emails pointing out that
the porcupine in my last email was a hedgehog.

"oh and thanks for the 250 links to f$@king snopes about the arby's
thing.

"really, i try to do something fun, and you guys just wreck it, and turn
it into something that's a burden for me (it took ten minutes for my
email inbox to load) so i am going to stop doing these notifylists
until you can all settle the f%*k down and stop bugging me.

"have a good weekend. don't email me. buy some t-shirts. shut the hell
up about how i should make different t-shirts. just shut the hell up.
leave me alone for one second.

"drew"

Anyway, if you also want to have equally pleasant drops of sunshine in your inbox, sign up for The Toothpaste for Dinner mailing list. My suggestion, of course, would be to immediately reply and mention that you heard he was confused about porcupines and Arby's roast beef being made out of liquid.

Sing Along With Roseanne

Somehow I just know American Idol is to blame for this.

Meet Karl Pilkington



M&C highlights another great video - this time it's Ricky Gervais interviewing recently-christened radio star Karl Pilkington.

Plenty of downloads from The Ricky Gervais & Stephen Merchant Show available here.

Nothing says nuptials like Nascar



Don't forget the Sport Cake kit when planning for your big day.

Hershey's establishes "snack dominance"



WASAW reports that with new Kissables, "Hershey's has struck again with an innovative and fun spin on candy."

The question remains, though, whether the packaging will fly: "I like the packaging, but it doesn't feel hip enough for the kids these days. The silvery-gray lends sophistication to what would otherwise be a primary color orgy of happiness. Will the youngsters and their piercings and crazy hair and SATs want that sophistication? I don't know - I didn't ask any of them. Their skateboards frighten me."

Brokeback to the Future



From M&C: "It was an experiment in time, but the one variable they forgot was love."

Inspiring



For some reason, America's public libraries have yet to add Marquette University's "Goofy Professor" line of READ posters to their standard celebrity roster.

This Valentine's, treat them like the special victims they are



Unfortunately, Mr. Bird announced he's cutting off the supply of his own works, but with some creativity and a color printer, you can still share your true feelings with loved ones.

Cityrag gives us proof that Ashlee Simpson and David Lee Roth were separated at birth.

I have blog-envy.

"Fancy Some Human Action?"

More K-Fed mockery; Popozao meets Peanut Butter Jelly Time

I sense a new net-meme emerging...

Sleepless in Seattle goes all bunny boiler.

Hans Brix, You Breakin' My Balls!

Updates:

Tarja Halonen wins Finnish election by a margin we can safely attribute to Conan O'Brien, and Our Man in Lansing relays a story that Captain Jackson was arrested on a DUI last month.

Catch Michael Malice on Tucker Carlson tonight. Let's hope he outdoes Jon Stewart's appearance.

We're here to protect you



From DoL: A DEA agent accidentally shoots himself while conducting a presentation on gun safety.

Yum



Steve tracks down a delicious recipe for Kitty Litter Cake.

Song Tapper - tap the spacebar to the rhythm of a song's melody and it will tell you the name of your song. Nifty.

I had to link this after I saw it on Best Week Ever: James Lipton performs a dramatic interpretation of Popozao

Epic 2015

The internets is magic.

Webcomic tattoos



Show your love for Toothpaste for Dinner or Exploding Dog by permanently scarring your flesh!

Why was Jackson such a cool place to drive to from Hillsdale?



Superheroes - Michigan style!

From The Presurfer: "Captain Jackson and The Crimefighter Corps patrol the streets of Jackson, Michigan looking to report and deter crime and educate people about working with the Police.

"CRIMEFIGHTER GIRL, also know as 'JACKSON'S LITTLE SWEETHEART' is CAPTAIN JACKSON'S 15 year old sidekick.

"The QUEEN of HEARTS' goal is to quell DOMESTIC VIOLENCE by teaching our youth and others how to recognize and prevent it."

It's sort of a threepeat: rate your professor + Klevay = rate your Klevay

Post-Easter reading



From Image Comics:

"In the near future, the United States is ruled by bloodsucking vampire hordes. Only one man can end their reign of terror: Jesus H. Christ. A tale of war, love, religion and severed heads, the controversial Loaded Bible answers an age-old question: 'What Would Jesus Do?' Answer: He'd kick vampire ass."

As The Great Curve points out, though, it's going to be hard to top Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.

My response to Kirk Cameron.

Cthulhu Circus



"The mash-up the world's been waiting for -- Family Circus comics with captions from H.P. Lovecraft!"

Credit to Klevay.

Just in time for Valentine's Day breakups



"I sent my friends Millie and Ted a card that said, 'I'm sorry....I'm always drunk,' because I puked on their couch last time. What a great way to let them know how sorry I am. Thanks, Cardjackers!"

Don't you wish you had one right now?



Via Mondo Schlocko: Public Service Announcement by the community-conscious John Waters.

North Koreans love the U.S.A.



Talk about an earworm...

"This is a very shocking [and hilarious] anti-American propaganda video which is said to have been made by North Koreans and previously broadcast on South Korean television and Japanese TV."

Durkl t-shirts



"Like most brilliant companies, DURKL was dreamt up over a few sixers of Zima and a pack of Kool's. Finding a word that rhymes with Steve Urkel was tough. We did it though. We simply smashed the word "dogonit" with "urkel" to form DURKL. Its obvious right?

"In early 2004, DURKL set out to design and print shirts that combined whit with iconism with sleek design. As a result, the DURKL lifestyle infected and is still infecting people in the know throughout the world. Our threads can be found all over the US, Australia, Italy, Sweden, England, and North Korea."

For Victor



"JRadio.Net is an internet 'radio' stream of Japanese Christian music, messages and bible readings. Available day or night, anywhere, on any internet connection."

Profs bite back



From DoL: Tired of having drunken idiots size them up (see below), college professors begin rating their students.

Eric gives pointers on achieving academic excellence



A selection from a recent criminal behavior class essay:

"If a rogue knew that they were so incredibly skilled at pickpocketing, so high in rank at their ability, that they only stood a one in twenty chance in being caught at stealing coins from unsuspecting townsfolk, they would be far more likely to do so than if they were a bumbling orc with poor dexterity."

Comments on professor's response to the above:

"Does he mention any of my tangental crap? Nope, he just lists extra junk I didn't mention. I was docked for not mentioning the Scared Straight Program, which had about as much relevance as D&D.

"The moral of the story here is to know how your teacher (or in some cases your T.A.) reads papers. I got A's after this by simply inserting all the possible key terms from the material he could be scanning for instead of actually trying to write a coherent narritive or make any plausable argument."

LARPers prepare to descend upon "Ye Olde Furniture Shoppe"



"IKEA is a fully immersive, 3D environmental adventure that allows you to role-play the character of someone who gives a shit about home furnishings. In traversing IKEA, you will experience a meticulously detailed alternate reality filled with garish colors, clear-lacquered birch veneer, and a host of NON-PLAYER CHARACTERS (NPCs) with the glazed looks of the recently anesthetized."

The Way of the Master



God calls Kirk Cameron to deliver the truth about you.

Cleveland?

Jimmy Kimmel tries to acquire Shatner's kidney stone.

"I gave birth to a little black thing."

"Maybe you can get Angelina Jolie to adopt it."

Terry Tate, Office Linebacker

And now for something completely serious: A Perfect Sandalista Folly

The whole World Social Forum is often called an exercise in anti-globalization, but its very setup belies its message. It relies on Internet, cheap flight routes, easy travel, Wal-mart supplies and all the other things they say they are against. The Mali leg of this event will turn out to be just a rich hippie’s expensive holiday, something paid for by someone else’s bankbook and the global value someone else created.

Credit to Nick.

For fans of Phish or fans of my friend, Scott, do check out his new website all about the creation of a video for an early Phish song that aired once at a live concert in 1991. This is why Al Gore invented the internets people.

Oh Japan, just when I think the internet is starting to bore me, you jump up on stage in a phallic swan outfit, dazzle me with your karate moves, and stage some sort of Godzilla inspired balloon battle between a flock of shrieking Japanese girls and Bob Sapp. Thank you, Japan. Thank you. By the way, who can I lobby to get "Morning Mesume" to start airing here?

Conan O'Brien embraces his roots and plays Finnish politics.

The redheaded late-night talk show host Conan O'Brien has been promoting President Tarja Halonen's re-election bid as part of a long-running joke about their supposed physical similarities.

"Why do I support Tarja Halonen? Because she's got the total package: a dynamic personality, a quick mind, and most importantly — my good looks," the comedian, whose show is broadcast on cable in Finland, said in a statement to The Associated Press.
...
In one show, O'Brien presented a mock ad for Halonen in which he and two Finns were discussing the election while fishing on a frozen lake.

When they talk about rival candidate Prime Minister Matti Vanhanen, a dead fish shoots out of the hole in the ice, prompting a joke about how the mere mention of his name causes fish to commit suicide.

"Fish recognize a bad leader," O'Brien says in broken Finnish to laughter from his studio crowd.

Halonen's opponents are not amused.

"He's just making fun of the whole election," said Harri Jaskari, campaign manager for former Finance Minister Sauli Niinisto. "If this decides the election, then we're in trouble. It gives a very poor picture of Finnish democracy."

More irreligiousness... or something: Jesus Christ the Musical

This is interesting: Atheist Statistics

Sweden is in first? C'mon people! We can do better.

Time to dish up a little Penn & Teller: The End of the World

Breath Capture


Everyone is born with it. A desire to be near the ones we care about most. And we find ways to remember them when they're away. A lock of hair. Letters. An old photo. And now there's Breath Capture™. Capture the breath of a loved one or friend and keep them close. Forever.

Brilliant.

Christian Throwback Jersey: A Proud Sponsor of Jesus

The trailer for Clerks 2 is up.

There's some great stuff over at Patton Oswalt's site. Check out the saga of Johnny Lawrence (aka Billy Zabka who was also paid tribute to on the now defunct Whatever-Dude and many 80's nostalgia sites) and take a gander at the blog while you're there.

The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny

credit to Radosh via Todd

This reminded me of a link sent around at work a few weeks back: The Chuck Norris Fact Generator (be sure to check out the Top 30)

As long as we're giving them free housing, might as well give them free drinks too.

This seems like a good way to start off the new year: The Edge asks "What's your dangerous idea?"