No plans for the weekend? You could always knit yourself a Ferrari.

Wikipedia's List of Problems Solved by MacGyver*

*Mullets not included

You've defeated me this time interweb, but I'll be back tomorrow. And after I have scoured many more websites, I will find something flair-worthy. I'm no cheese-eating-surrender-monkey; this fight is far from over.

In case you thought your week was a little rough, here's a little schadenfreude...



Dustin Diamond aka "Screech" is selling t-shirts to stave off foreclosure on his home.

Video Round Up

None of these are especially amazing, but there's probably something for everyone:

El Despertar – Flamenco Zombie Flash
Penny Reel Version of Dirty Dancing - Nobody Corner'ingnates Baby
Jimmy Kimmel Gets Bitten By a Snake - I told them no g@#$%!# animals!
Kill Bill 1 & 2 in 120 Seconds - With body count!
Carlton Dance - I know I posted a gif of this once, but here’s the full version in all its gloriousness.
A Love Letter To Ann Coulter – From Henry Rollins
Rollin’ with Saget - A little anticlimactic after you've seen him in the Aristocrats...
and last, but not least, Pop Slut Video.

That's it for kilts



Generally speaking, kilts and those who wear them always struck me as a bit, well, phony. In his book The Language of Genes, Steve Jones makes the case that the suspicion is well-founded:

"The Scots scarcely existed until they were invented by King George IV, who in 1822 visited Edinburgh and, dressed in a Stuart kilt and a pair of flesh-colored tights, gave the Scots a national identity they never knew they possessed. It took only the imagination of Sir Walter Scott in devising a native culture to produce a new and potent ethnic myth. Much of it was based on the kilt, which, as Macaulay said, 'before the Union, was considered by nine Scotchmen out of ten as the dress of a thief.'"

More robot music



Klevay's brother apparently likes Captured! By Robots:

"So what's the deal with C!BR??

"Let me (DRMBOT 0110) tell you. JBOT played in a couple of ska bands, Skankin' Pickle and the Blue Meanies for years and was very unlikable. Everybody got sick of him (I don't blame them). JBOT thought that if he made a band of robots to play with everything would be okay. HE WAS WRONG! He built GTRBOT666 and myself and the idiotic Ape Which Hath No Name. After he built us, I decided that he was the antibot and must be punished. We installed a Biocerebral Chip in his CPU and now force him to humiliate himself in front of his peers. It makes me so happy to see him suffer. So after the takeover, he secretly made the Ape. The stupid ape robot loves everyone and everything; HOW REVOLTING! Unfortunately, I cannot do anything to rid my circuits of that ape. For it states in the ROBOTIC RESISTANCE handbook, 'Thee bot shall never harm another bot.' So what choice do I have? The rare joy I can receive is when GTRBOT666 and myself humiliate JBOT all over the country. The other happiness I have is to see my self-replication 'AUTOMATOM' humiliate jbutt to tears. You will come to witness! Coast to coast, his humiliation will be legendary. Keep checking in for updates."

Presumption of guilt



Sure, there is plenty of nice scenery in Big Sky country, but thankfully state officials in Montana are doing their best to distract your attention away from all that nature:

"Leading the Meth Project effort is research-validated, nationally recognized, high-impact advertising that communicates graphically the risks of Meth use.

"The hazardous and life-threatening product features and consequences of Methamphetamine are clear, compelling, and undeniable. We are communicating these product features and consequences to the young people of Montana on a massive scale."

I wonder if they've factored into their safety plan the increase in people driving off the road upon seeing one of these in billboard size.

In any case, after having to show my driver's license twice today simply to purchase a small box of Sudafed, it occurs to me that one conclusion to draw from such tactics is that from the perspective of helpful government officials, we all may be potential meth addicts barring their intervention. More likely, however, is that ad campaigns and legal restrictions serve to (theoretically) dissuade and limit consumption among the targeted population most likely to become addicts while at the same time (and more importantly) proving to the rest of us that "they're on top of the problem." So, I have to look at gross ads and enter my name in a drug user database for little more than my own piece of mind about the nation's progress on the drug war.

Awesome.

Big Spanish Castle Optical Illusion

Neato.

The most important Public Service Announcement you'll see today.

You really ought to check out the June 8 PennFreeFM radio interview with Patrick Moore, one-time founding member of Greenpeace. I don't think an hour of radio has ever left me feeling so truly uninformed. Good stuff.

Gallery of Hair Tragedy

Someone Tell Sam Jackson He's My Bro

via The Movie Blog

Happy 3-Year PoF Blogiversary!

Yes, it's been three solid years of time-wasting zaniness. Here's a helpful chart showing the influence this blog has on the world-wide-interwebs:



Let's keep on truckin'.

Artistic Interpretations of Literary Figures - exactly what it sounds like, just a nice collection.

Animator v. Animation

Finnish Disco + Musical Garbage = Love My Tender Humps

The original video is pretty fun too.

Zack v. Slater

I know it's stupid, but I still laughed.

6-6-6 National Emo Kid Beatdown Day

(via Cruel)

So at work there’s this email listserv that occasionally (ok, frequently) gets a little out of control re: content. As we just acquired 2 new clerks in the last week, they are getting quite the initiation into how our world works via the listserv. Take, for instance, this email sent out randomly around noon today:

Subject: open letter

Dear everyone,

I accidentally pooped my pants this morning. Please steer clear of [our] chambers.

Some Unnamed Clerk


It subsequently came to light that the email was sent as a prank when Some Unnamed Clerk left his PC unattended when he went to lunch. Nonetheless, I think there’s a whole new academic field of poop jokes jurisprudence to be explored.

Mr. Pibb + Red Vines = Got Nuthin' on Diet Coke + Mentos

In a desperate grab for ratings, Donald Trump enlists Charles Manson on The Apprentice.

Victor once questioned why I harbored any animosity towards Scott Stapp Sack... I think "Scott Stapp: Behind the Douchebag" pretty much sums it up.

For Excellence in Facial Hair...



2006 World Beard Championships

Of all the weird crap that gets posted here, I think this freaky robotic mule is the most likely to give me nightmares. Built by the fine folks at Boston Dynamics (and it also needs a decent soundtrack).

This is really more of Matt's kind of post, but since he's Traveling Matt this week, I'll post it: 10 Things To Make You Want to Puke

Nick passes along this amusing collection of wedding bloopers.

A Comic Threepeat and Todd Props...



Our man of science, Todd Seavey, led a valiant counter-protest against the lefty-anarchists protesting DC Comics and the V for Vendetta film about a month ago. Todd and his fellow anarcho-capitalists led a counter protest which PoF reported here. The whole wacky affair was covered by Columbia's Student News Service and some Comic Shop. Along with the update, Todd sends along this fun bit about German anarchists dressed as superheros raiding high-end restaurants for gourmet food to give to the poor and unemployed.

BTW, Todd, the scotch-tape was a nice touch.

Secret Wars Re-enactment Society

Extreme Mormons

Hellfire, Damnation, and Bazookas oh my!



"Left Behind: Eternal Forces," ...features plenty of biblical smiting, albeit with high-tech weaponry as players battle the forces of the Antichrist in a smoldering world approaching Armageddon.

"Eternal Forces" is part of a new wave of religious games coming out at a time when the mainstream industry faces increasing criticism that its products celebrate misogynistic mayhem. Another publisher is marketing games based on the "Veggie Tales" series of Christian videos for children. Another is pitching "Bibleman: A Fight for Faith," about a superhero who stands up for the word of God with his sidekicks Cypher and Biblegirl.

Games "will be a new tool to get the two-minute generation to think about matters of eternal importance in a way that isn't religious," said Troy A. Lyndon, one of the "Left Behind" game's creators.

" 'Left Behind' has the Antichrist, the end of the world, the apocalypse," said co-creator Jeffrey S. Frichner. "It's got all the Christian stuff, and it's still got all the cool stuff."

"The reason that I think this game has a chance is that it's not particularly preachy," said Michael Pachter, an analyst at Wedbush Morgan Securities. "I will say some of the dialogue is pretty lame — people saying, 'Praise the Lord' after they blow away the bad guys. I think they're overdoing it a bit. But the message is OK."

Todd sends along a link to Chris's Invincible Super-Blog chronicling the particularly absurd weirdness found in comics. Todd recommends this, this, and this. I am particularly fond of the Archie comic panels given that I owe much of my literacy to the many Archie comics I read as a child.

My Conan obsession continues... Hotdogs for Homophobes and Conan goes to Finland [why???] (partial credit to Nick)

Cordless Jumprope


"To use the invention, a user holds a handle in each hand, and begins to simulate jumping rope while moving the handles in a circle with their hands and arms. The weighted ball or gear simulates the centrifugal action of a jump rope, thus delivering all the health benefits of jumping rope without any of the disadvantages of stumbling on the rope, having the rope hit the ceiling or the like."

Credit to Nick via Patently Silly.

via J-Walk

Thus far, I've declined to join in the Snakes on a Plane net-meme, but check out this fan audition reel. All the SoaP news you can handle is blogged here.

Update: link fixed

More useful info: Drink Pat Robertson's protein shake and leg press 2,000 lbs

"Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson says he has leg-pressed 2,000 pounds, but some say he'd be in a pretty tough spot if he tried.

"The '700 Club' host's feat of strength is recounted on the Web site of his Christian Broadcasting Network, in a posting headlined 'How Pat Robertson Leg Pressed 2,000 Pounds.'

"The CBN Web site attributes Robertson's energy in part to 'his age-defying protein shake.' The site offers a recipe for the shake, which contains ingredients such as soy protein isolate, whey protein isolate, flaxseed oil and apple cider vinegar."

See the video here.

UPDATE: Klevay points out that Slate has weighed in on the issue, calling the leg press "The Lamest Exercise in the World."

Get that fresh minty scalp feeling



Mr. Miro asked for more useful posts. Here's something useful:

"We were fascinated to discover a 1943 ad for Listerine Antiseptic against 'infectious dandruff.' These days Listerine is advertised only for oral hygiene.

"The active ingredients of Listerine include essential oils (thymol, eucalyptol, menthol, methyl salicylate) with anti-fungal activity. Dermatologists have determined that dandruff can be caused by fungus (yeast), so it makes sense that attacking the fungus might offer relief.

"Other ingredients in dandruff shampoos also counter fungus. Selenium sulfide, zinc pyrithione or the anti-fungal drug ketoconazole (Nizoral) are all effective fungus fighters."

Thanks. No.



Via The Presurfer: "Have you ever received an email where your email address was exposed to others because they used the 'To' line instead of the 'BCC' line? Have you ever received a funny story, a virus warning or a photo that someone thought you might enjoy too?

"If you don't like unrequested email or you don't want your private address to be exposed to people you don't know, you could reply by sending them to this 'Thanks. No.' page."

The Pavilion of Polyhedreality



"I welcome you to peek into my personal pavilion of practical polyhedra."

Life's more fun with a sidecar


"We are the United Sidecar Association, an independent, not-for-profit organization of diverse people from all walks of life who share a common interest — motorcycles with sidecars. The USCA was founded in 1976 in the Chicago area, but has grown to include members throughout the USA, Canada, and, in fact, throughout the world.

"Our activities revolve around motorcycles and sidecars. In the early part of the 20th Century, long before family values became a slogan, motorcyclists attached sidecars to cycles so that they could take family and friends with them on their adventures. This same spirit is what we foster and in the energy behind what we do."

Brian Young thought everyone would appreciate seeing this

(WARNING: wooden phallus and odd phrasing ahead)

According to Brian, "the Engrish in the following image is priceless..."

Here's the story: "KAWASAKI -- Thousands flocked to a small shrine here Sunday to take part in the Kanamara Festival, an event with roots dating back centuries and known for its huge consecrated phallus portable shrine carried mostly by transvestites.

"Revelers also watched mostly young women sit atop huge wooden penises made as Shinto totems, each woman sparking a rapid-fire succession of camera flashes from the dozens of mostly middle-aged men armed with digital cameras."

Thanks, Brian.

My head just asploded...

So Michael Malice points out this story about a new restaurant that just opened in Manhattan with an Ayn Rand theme:



It’s not easy being an objectivist in the city. Ayn Rand lived here for 40 years and set her major novels in Manhattan, a place chockablock with misunderstood geniuses of the sort she celebrated. Nonetheless, their lives are often as bumpy as The Fountainhead’s Howard Roark’s, while brownnosers like his archenemy Peter Keating get ahead.

You see, objectivists have no need to schmooze. Except with each other, which they now can do over vegetarian food at the Fountainhead Café, on West 10th Street. “Objectivists enjoy getting together and talking about ideas,” says Jay Friedenberg, Manhattan College associate professor of psychology and host of the NYC Objectivist Discussion Group. “But the main problem has been location.” (His group meets, inconveniently, in Riverdale.)

Then along came Chad Brandon, 29, a Montana native who moved to New York after stints as a greenhouse builder and real-estate broker. He’s prone to sentences like, “I’ve never thought of myself as an objectivist, but it is my objective every day to be as objective as possible.” The slogan over the café door: EAT OBJECTIVELY, LIVE RICH. Brandon serves juice (“The Howard Roark” is carrot and ginger) and “Full of Thought” salads and will offer free Wi-Fi and a full collection of Rand’s works. He’s also going to stencil Rand quotes on the walls.

Brandon says, “This really is a fountainhead for me,” from which his other projects (including a plan to “revolutionize real estate”) will flow. And maybe we’re having a Rand moment: There’s an Atlas Shrugged movie in the works (possibly starring Brangelina). Brandon is planning to open an organic restaurant and after-hours club upstairs. It won’t serve alcohol. “There are a lot of interesting people who drink,” he says. “But if you watch people as they drink, you’ll see that they get progressively less objective.”

Aside from the general weirdness, why do I care???? Chad Brandon is my former roommate.

Macsaber meets the Star Wars Kid.

Bring pizza to your next potluck



Can't think of a context in which you would need a pizza face? Don't let this opportunity pass you buy so quickly. The safe bet is to go ahead and take advantage of this deal now so you can rest assured knowing that when the virtually inevitable time comes that you do need one in a pinch it will be there waiting for you.

Oregonians hoping to sober up lawmaking



"Oregon legislators and staff members should not be drunk while performing their official duties, a citizen panel says.

"The Public Commission on the Oregon Legislature adopted that recommendation Monday, although the panel decided to leave it to House and Senate leaders to draft rules against intoxication and possible penalties."

This is one of the coolest pointless web things I've seen in a while. via Ultimate Insult

Robots declare war on art world



"RAP creates it's own paintings based on an artificial intelligence algorithm, it decides when the work is ready and signs in the right bottom corner with its distinctive signature.

"The algorithm combines initial randomness, positive feedback and a positive/negative increment of 'color as pheromone' mechanism based on a grid of nine RGB sensors. Also the 'sense of rightness' - to determine when the painting is ready - is achieved not by any linear method, time or sum, but through a kind of pattern recognition system."

Lordi Conquers Eurovision!



The Finnish heavy-metal-GWAR-esque band (see PoF's earlier coverage here), Lordi, has claimed an unequivocal victory at the 51st annual Eurovision awards.

Finland has never even ranked in the top five before. The country's highest placing was in 1973, when "Tom Tom Tom" by Marion Rung finished in sixth place. In 2004 and 2005, the Finnish entries didn't make it out of the semi-final into the final, and on three occasions, Finland has scored "nul points," finishing last with a score of zero.

Lordi's victory was almost a complete sweep of the 38 countries voting. Viewers vote for their favorite song by telephone during a 10-minute window in the live broadcast. Each country then reports its votes during the last hour of the show, awarding 12 points to the top vote-getter, 10 to second place, eight to third place, seven to fourth place and so on, down to one point for 10th place.

In related news, Germans ask why Europe hates them and the Russians refuse to concede.

Break out the baguettes



This one's for Monsieur Miro: "Berets. Oh, the connotations; and the connotations! France, Picasso, Che, Revolution, Romance, Art, Existentialism, Special Military Forces, Spain, The Basque, Impressionism, Surrealism, Bohemians, Beatniks, Monica Lewinsky, The Pyrenees, Camus, Sartre, The Underground, Bob Marley, and on and on. Is there an article of clothing that drips with resonance and symbolism more than 'The Beret'? I think not."

And you thought that sweater was itchy



How about weaving wool into your hair? "This site will hopefully give you all the basic knowledge you need to start experimenting with permanent and temporary hair extensions."

Coming soon: The Evil Bong



Via Mondo Schlocko: "Okay, I now have to admit that I am a little more than curious about this latest Charles Band flick. Just looking at some of the pics that have been released over at Charles Band's blog, makes me really want to see it."

New pic from The Omen released



Via The Great Curve: Ok, so it's not from The Omen, but it might as well be.

"The disturbing image, from an ad promoting the opening of a new McDonald's in India, comes courtesy of Sam Costello of Dark But Shining."

"The image itself is odd and unappealing. It’s hard to see how this rictus, this porcelainization of a child would make you want to eat fast food."

I usually hate reposts, but after Leslie Hall stopped in to comment on our earlier coverage of her Gem Sweater Collection and Beat Dazzling ways, I thought a shoutout (I LOVE YOU CARSON DALY WOOOOOOOOOO!!!1!!111) was in order. So here's to you Leslie Hall, thank you for giving the world the gift of sequins! PoF salutes you!

Let's get practical



Via DoL: "There is a group called PrayLive that has decided to pray for world peace...no, wait, for an end to poverty...no, wait again. They are praying 'for the lowering of gas prices.' Official site here, news report about a DC rally here, news report about a Hollywood rally (big surprise) here. I would blog more about this, but I have to go to the cathedral to pray that God will reduce my mortgage payment to $100 a month."

Blind mountain climber gets outed by local media

Via Cruel: "In this YouTube clip, watch the reaction when blind mountain climber Erik Weihenmayer learns something new about himself, thanks to an Albuquerque news announcer."

By request: The Halliburton Survivaball



Via The Presurfer, Halliburton execs develop a plan to bounce right on through the impending apocalypse: "'The SurvivaBall is designed to protect the corporate manager no matter what Mother Nature throws his or her way,' said Fred Wolf, a Halliburton representative. 'This technology is the only rational response to abrupt climate change,' he said to an attentive and appreciative audience.

"The SurvivaBalls, looking like huge inflatable orbs, will include sophisticated communications systems, nutrient gathering capacities, onboard medical facilities, and a daunting defense infrastructure to ensure that the corporate mission will not go unfulfilled even when most human life is rendered impossible by catastrophes or the consequent epidemics and armed conflicts."

UPDATE: "Yes Men pull Halliburton hoax"

Make an Earth sandwich



"The first team to successfully document and prove that they have made an earth sandwich will get an League of Awesomeness certificate and...something else."

Toothpaste for Dinner contest



"The Toothpaste For Dinner contest for 2006 is now open. Submit photos of people wearing Toothpaste For Dinner t-shirt(s), and win a ton of free stuff."

Hire a Table Head



From what I can gather, the most entertaining aspect of this service is forcing someone to sit under a table for hours on end while your guests grow increasingly drunk and belligerent toward them. You can watch a video here.

Armageddon or not?



Via The Presurfer: "This experimental site is a cross between all those scary 'the world is coming to an end' webpages and 'Am I Hot or Not,' giving you, the anonymous websurfer, an opportunity to rate the doom-worthiness of various apocalyptic signs, portents and predictions."

TOP OF THE APOCALYPSE:
#1 The Mayan "Long Count"
#2 Britney Spears' baby
#3 Tropical Storm Alpha
#4 Global Warming
#5 Peak Oil
#6 Barry Manilow Goes #1 in 2006
#7 Windows on Mac
#8 President Bush uses words "World War III"
#9 "ARMAGEDDON OR NOT?" debuts on the Web
#10 Huge Solar Storms Coming

So much art, so little surface area



Sure, we've highlighted religious tattoos and webcomic tattoos in the past, but never has a collection been so satisfying as this "Really Bad Tattoos" site via M&C.

On a more practical note, BoingBoing brings to our attention this tattoo that might just come in handy when you least expect it:

Now here's a way of getting rid of AOL CDs that I can get into



"AOL CD's sure melt nice! I mean, look at this thing decay in the focus of the Solar Death Ray! It's smoking, warping, bubbling, and melting. The final product is so utterly spoiled that I doubt I could squeeze out a single free hour of AOL 9.0 Optimized."

Credit: Brian.

10 Things I Hate About Commandments


Trust me and take the time to watch this one. Awesome.

In need of a little pick-me-up? Did a cat crap all over your website? Here's some good news: Veronica Mars has been picked up for a third season.

Hooping



"Founded in 2003, hooping.org is gathering space for people who like to dance, meditate, play, perform and do tricks with large customized hula hoops — and for those who want to learn about hoops."