I remember hearing an MP3 of this a few years ago. Now someone's turned it into an amusing 8 bit D&D video clip.

ASCII movies galore.

Cartman's boombox, a Southpark soundboard.

Meet the ten year old who can kick your ass. It's just wrong.

Where's Kiefer Sutherland and a sniper rifle when you need him?

The short-lived series, Firefly (damn you Fox Network, damn yooooouuuu!!!!!), will be making its way onto the big screen. Also, the DVD of its first and only season is due out in December, which includes the missing 3 episodes that never aired.

Despite the 'endorsement' picture and the fact that this is being bankrolled by Rosie O'Donnell (who convinced Boy George she was serious and not 'pedestrian' by shaving half her head for this), I can't recommend Taboo enough. Laughed myself silly in London last year....

After 2 years, the democrats' filibuster of Estrada's nomination to the D.C. Court of Appeals ends with his withdrawal.

The Onion has a feature interview with P.J. O'Rourke this week:
...anyone who's talking about libertarian ideas and certain basic conservative principles will get people who nod politely and say, "Oh, yeah, we knew that already." It's a pain in the ass.

Wasn't there a kids' book about this? Somebody has to eat a worm a day for a month to win a bet for a bike and discovers that they taste best when fried? Eww.

Anyhow, in real news... for NYers, be sure to check out a Jinx Society debate featuring Michael Malice tomorrow night. As I understand it, Malice will be arguing that terrorism is a legitmate political tactic. His opponent will be a bartender. Should be fun. (See his site for details.)

Speaking of shooting through digestive tracts, check this out:

"'One day, I was sitting there waiting for a fish to eat my bait for hours and was starving. Suddenly, I realized fish don't die from eating worms so I shouldn't either. I ate them until I was full,' Paisit said in a telephone interview.

"He now loves worms, and has become accustomed to chew them instead of swallowing them whole.

"The father of two credited his good health to this dietary supplement, saying a mild flu was the worst illness he's had.

"His co-worker Thepnakorn Kongwien, 28, said Paisit often digs for worms in the area near the fire station.

"'We're used to that. But we still think it's strange and disgusting,' he said.

"Paisit said eating worms was like 'eating mushy sticky rice.' He was referring to chewy glutinous rice, eaten as a snack and sometimes a staple food in parts of Southeast Asia."

I think it's fair to say that the Star Wars Kamasutra, featuring hot Scout Walker on Scout Walker action, easily rivals Episode 1 for absconding with my childhood, shooting it through the digestive tract of bad taste, and leaving me with a big steaming pile of broken dreams.

Sometimes the fat kid really should be the last one picked.

I guess one good argument against open borders might be the loss of comedy relief. Poor bastard.

If you haven't read the 1977 Schwarzenegger interview from Oui, you need to.

Good cop, bad cop.

My horns and tail are showing a bit today:

DICTIONARY OF JAPANESE PERVERSIONS



"Japanese people are stereotyped as being uncreative and lacking in originality. The most common image of a japanese man is a 'salariman' in a grey suit riding on a 'bullet train' full of identically dressed men. But in fact, when he gets home at night, the porn comes out, and he's going to be much more creative and 'unique' than you or I. He's wearing an Airline Stewardess uniform and boxing gloves, watching a DVD of broccoli being put up someone's butt. Let's face it, Japanese porn consumers are so utterly perverted that the industry can't invent new kinks fast enough.

"That being said, this site isn't really porn. There's no dirty pictures, or even dirty words. It's just really naughty anthropology! The infamous used-panty vending machines are just the tip of the iceberg.

"Why did I make this site? Because even though both the internet porn AND the japanese porn are world-famous. . . . For some reason, I couldn't find a dictionary of japanese pornographic terms on the internet!"

Today's life lesson: When you can't figure out why someone refuses to dish any good gossip, it probably means that all the really juicy stuff is about them.

Paul McCartney is Dead!

See the proof for yourself.

Cornell West finally has some competition ... check out the musical stylings of Orrin Hatch.

Get them while they last: Extra Ugly t-shirts are what all the kids will be wearing this Fall!

Advice from Maddox:

"I know you think you're the first person to discover the fat Star Wars kid video, and although everyone enjoys the timeless humor of a kid twirling a pole, assume that everyone has already seen it and DON'T SEND IT TO ME OR ANYONE ELSE. To be on the safe side, format your hard drive and cancel your internet account."

Here's a lengthy but interesting piece in the Atlantic Monthly about everyone's favorite libertarian media mogul, Rupert Murdoch.

New army tactic in Iraq: Girls for Guns

"U.S. troops in Iraq have started what they're calling the 'Girls for Guns Program' after a young Iraqi man was willing to turn in his weapons -- a rocket-propelled grenade and two heavy machine guns -- in exchange for pictures of Carmen Electra in a bikini."

Those wacky Japs are at it again... first it was Matrix Ping Pong and now it's Magic Shadow.

Test your knowledge of Middle East/ N. Africa geography. My own attempt was nothing to brag about.

Star Wars Kid goes mainstream...

Looks like I've got my work cut out for me:

So You've Decided to be Evil...

A Step-by-Step Guide to joining the Forces of Darkness

I'm a big fan of John McWhorter after I watched him disembowel a pair of lawyers in an affirmative action debate at Fordham last year. Here's a nice vitriolic piece he wrote for City Journal detailing why rap music retards black success.

Sorry for the spotty blogging.. just got back to NY on Saturday and I'm living out of boxes. I am busy getting my life together and haven't found the time to really procrastinate on anything important.
Also, FedEx just delivered my PC today and it was pretty bashed up and parts were rattling all over the place. This is the second time I've shipped this PC by FedEx and had it arrive in pieces. Anyhow, I had it back up and running in about an hour (thank you child-laborers of southeast Asia), but I still don't have internet access. This should be remedied within the week... until then my blogging may be a bit sparse.

At least the methods for finding Saddam are getting more creative. Here's a little something to give you nightmares:

Cincinnati crazy for cornhole

Now that's a great headline. You really do learn something new every day.

Are you there God? It's me, Margaret.

"We all want to know if God exists; maybe He just needs a reliable method to let us know He's here."

Buy your God Detector today, and start keeping track of all the action!

The latest iteration of the Nazi party: The Libertarian National Socialist Green Party

I sure hope someone's kidding.

It's the Star Wars Kid in ASCII.

Bushspeak Hangman.

Today's Photoshop on FARK - Schwarzenegger campaign ads:

Thanks to Beth for reminding me to visit www.despair.com. Great for those last minute stocking stuffers...

Just when I thought we were running low on heroes, someone slams a pie in Ralph Nader's face.

Tasteless but funny.. the Jack Black soundboard.

Finally found a reason to visit Arkansas (in honor of Matt who is rumored to have relocated there... ).

Mosh.

Since I am 'vacationing' in Detroit, I can't promise any decent posts for the next few days (especially since the other bloggers on this site have been silent for quite some time now...), so to keep you busy, here are a bunch of classic Nintendo games to fend off the despair and keep you safely buried in childhood nostalgia while I'm away.

If only all elections were driven by recall... among the contenders for the California governorship:

Arnold Schwarzenegger
Arianna Huffington
Gary Coleman
Gallagher

Democracy surrenders.

Best movie rumor I've heard in a while: Dan Simmon's Hyperion series may be turned into a movie trilogy (with rumors of Scorsese and DiCarprio thrown in the mix).
This is a great series by one of my favorite authors. I even bothered to seek him out meet (read: stalk) him a few years ago. Hopefully, they won't totally butcher the story... anyone know if Peter Jackson is busy?

Just had to share some geek trivia.... for Angel fans, the character named Numfar who shows up in Pylea at the end of season 2 and is ordered to dance ("Numfar, Do the Dance of Joy!" "Numfar, Do the Dance of Shame!" etc.) is actually Joss Whedon.

Apparently Hitchens felt that not enough people were actively resenting him this week and wrote a piece for Slate entitled "Did Bob Hope Ever Say Anything Funny?" which leads me to think that Hitchens obit might one day read "Did Christopher Hitchens Ever Say Anything Nice?"

Those Google editors are at it again... search "crackhead" and hit "I'm feeling lucky."

In case you haven't met the net obsession that is Homestarrunner, a good introduction is the online game "Population Tire" (thanks to Will for pointing it out) and be sure to check out some of the StrongBad emails.

Flash games to kill your productivity.

World Sauna-Sitting championships in Helsinki

And they say we Finns don't know how to have a good time....

For future reference: Monkey Phone Call

I know one day someone will have a need and will make excellent use of this.

I discovered this morning that the terror market idea belongs to a GMU econ professor (should have known).... anyhow, here's a good write-up as to why it really doesn't suck.

This week's Onion has a feature story on the previously mentioned comedy troupe, Stella.

O: Why do you think there are so many Jews in comedy?

MIB: Because big noses are funny.

DW: Also, a lot of Jews have sort of thin, spindly fingers they use to take money out of cash registers. That's very funny.

MS: If you prick them, do they not bleed?

MIB: The answer is no, they don't. They ooze. They ooze dirt.

For Nicole (and anyone else expecting children in the near future): a primer on how not to scar your child with a bad name. Be sure to check out the "best of" list.

Opinion Journal has a great bit on everyone's favorite populist hate-monger, Michael Moore.

Turns out the bambi paintball thing was a hoax. I don't see how reporters can get so righteous about public gullibility though - just look at all the bizarro stuff out there that is true. The paintball story doesn't even come close to pushing the boundaries of "unlikely."

...not that I'm encouraging anything, but Modern Drunkard Magazine really is an amazing cultural contribution....

wuh? gah...uhhh.. biotech... mutant mouse...gicky....artist to graft internet-enabled third ear to arm... disturbed now...

Futurama is ending after four seasons. :(

Just testing out the new "BlogThis!" thingamajig on the blogger site. If you go to: http://new.blogger.com/home.pyra a window pops up that let's you blog directly. It's supposed to work with any browser (which means that Todd and his Mac might actually be able to join the blogging world....).

The old MTV sketch comedy show, "The State," is now achived online. These are the same guys who did Viva Variety, Red Hot American Summer, Stella, and the now airing Reno 911.

Go to Google. Search: "french military victories" Hit I'm Feeling Lucky

The Amazing Race & Monster Garage vs. The U.S. Coast Guard



We should be giving these guys their own reality show, not sending them back to Cuba.

No doubt movie-a-minute will manage to condense its review of J. Lo and Bennifer's new movie, Gigli, even further, but I'm pretty sure this one says it all:

In one scene Lopez, 33, tries to seduce Affleck, 30, by laying on a bed and telling him: "It's turkey time!"

When he asks: "What?", she replies: "Come on, gobble, gobble". Another reviewer said: "It was possibly the worst line ever said in a movie."

Apparently the NY budget crisis missed the DOT.

Pixar has put all of their short films online.

Bruce Lee statue planned for Mostar, Bosnia. This confirms Nick's report that the city would bounce back to its former glory within the decade. Now I definitely have to visit.

Meth producers in North Carolina may be charged as terrorists for "manufacturing a nuclear or chemical weapon." I understand that busting meth labs is a dangerous job and puts a burr in the jack boots of justice... but really, there's got to be a better solution. (Legalize!!!!) And just as a side note, this may not actually be Ashcroft's fault who, by the way, is apparently a big Simpson's fan...

The Lord's Prayer in Ebonics:

Yo, Big Daddy upstairs,
You be chillin
So be yo hood
You be sayin' it, I be doin' it
In this here hood and yo's
Gimme some eats
And cut me some slack, Blood
Sos I be doin' it to dem dat diss me
Don't be pushing me into no jive
Ang keep dem crips away
Cause you always be da man, G
Straight up.
Aa-men.

Today's PSA's:

Guide to Being a Functional Alcoholic

Dealing With NY Landlords (in honor of my weekend spent in hellish apartment hunting -- but, good news, I did find a place.. I'll be back in Hell's Kitchen by mid-August)

The Matrix in animated ASCII... just cool.

Well, it's a start.

Gotta check out the Fellowship Baptist Creation Science Fair. My personal favorite entries:

1st Place: "My Uncle Is A Man Named Steve (Not A Monkey)"
Cassidy Turnbull (grade 5) presented her uncle, Steve. She also showed photographs of monkeys and invited fairgoers to note the differences between her uncle and the monkeys. She tried to feed her uncle bananas, but he declined to eat them. Cassidy has conclusively shown that her uncle is no monkey.

"Pokemon Prove Evolutionism Is False" - Paul Sanborn (grade 4)
(no further details provided)

2nd Place: "Women Were Designed For Homemaking"
Jonathan Goode (grade 7) applied findings from many fields of science to support his conclusion that God designed women for homemaking: physics shows that women have a lower center of gravity than men, making them more suited to carrying groceries and laundry baskets; biology shows that women were designed to carry un-born babies in their wombs and to feed born babies milk, making them the natural choice for child rearing; social sciences show that the wages for women workers are lower than for normal workers, meaning that they are unable to work as well and thus earn equal pay; and exegetics shows that God created Eve as a companion for Adam, not as a co-worker.

"Thermodynamics Of Hell Fire" - Tom Williamson (grade 12)

For every step forward, there's a giant disturbing misogynist naked bambi paintball leap backward.

All of my favorite philosophers turn out to be nazis and/or opportunists. What can I say... I surrender.

With a face like that, how couldn't God grant Supreme Court retirement prayers?

(And doesn't Pat Robertson look like a live-action South Park character?)

Wiggaz. Keepin' it real since Eminem blurred the memories of Vanilla Ice.

Just when I was worried that I wouldn't have a label to cash in on ( the gender bit really doesnt' have much fire these days), I am now a repressed minority with a label and apparently a gripe. (Well, ok, I wasn't exactly lacking in the gripe department....)

Just say no. No, really.

I just can't think of a caption that reflects just how funny I find this picture. It ranks up there with the Nick Nolte smoking gun DUI photo for sending me into fits of uncontrollable giggles... you go get 'em Celine.

What could you do with $4 billion a month?

A worthy competitor to the Shizzolator has arrived.


Finally some good uses for technology: transfomer high heels and nippits. Its a great week for womankind.

Matrix Ping-Pong. Does it make sense? No.
Thank you, NTV.

Try this soon, before Google fixes its site:

1) Go to www.Google.com

2) type in (but don't hit return): "weapons of mass destruction"

3) Hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button, instead of the normal "Google search" button

4) Read what APPEARS to be a normal error message carefully.

I'm melting! I'm melting!

Ever wondered what gamma rays and enlargement emails have in common?

Finns create union for public transit freeloaders... it's a better idea than you might think.

Here is an interesting read on the evolution of anti-americanism. Although it digs into dear Nietzsche and Heidegger - can't really disagree... their respective political views had all of the sense and sophistication of dead pig boating.

From Todd:

Forty-four pages of photos explaining the meaning of Scientology and
your role as a Volunteer Minister: http://www.bloodyspew.com/

Technology has brought us so far. Those poor SOBs in the middle ages never had the opportunity to experience the joy of dead pig boating like we can.

Worst movie ever: The Truth About Charlie

It's the kind of movie that's so bad you can't stop watching. Just when you think the train wreck can't get any worse, it gets even more French.

And on yet another topic that no one care about but me, the Colorado Avalanche just acquired the two best players from the Anaheim Ducks: Paul Kariya and Teemu Selanne (who looks awfully latino for being a Finn...). Since they're putting together a fantasy team for this season, no doubt they'll tank, but it'll be fun to root for them in the meantime (gotta love Peter Forsberg!). [And, yes, this post was about hockey and it wasn't sarcastic. It's the one sport I actually enjoy watching.]

Correction: Selanne has actually been playing for San Jose since 2001.

After some intensive googling, I was unable to locate a site that is devoted to tearing apart those goddamn awful "Infect Truth" commercials. Although I was assured that I am not alone in my hatred of them, I nonetheless feel that the internet has failed me.

For all things Whedon, check out this lengthy interview. Interesting bits:

IGNFF: What is the current future of Firefly?

WHEDON: The current future of Firefly is that I'm writing a movie script that I have some hope of actually getting made.

IGNFF: What is the current production status on the Firefly DVDs?

WHEDON: They should be coming out in the fall. Late fall.

IGNFF: The full-on special edition?

WHEDON: Oh my god. They couldn't be specialer. We've got three unaired episodes, commentary by every cast member, big interviews with everybody, gag reel – all kinds of stuff. It's just bells and whistles, and they'll be in the right order. And widescreen. So it really couldn't be better DVD package... a wicked one, at that. They really went to town on it. I was like, "I don't know if they'll release them on DVD, because it was cancelled," and they're not only releasing it, they're doing everything. I did the commentary on the two-hour pilot with Nathan. He and Alan did one together... Alan Tudyk. It's really exciting.

If I'm to have seconds, they'll be rich seconds, thank you very much.

"Mommy, make the scary lady go away.”
(Thanks to Beth for the find.)