Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Drew comes up with a plan to unload junk

This seems like an excellent way to put Hillsdale's new alumni directory to good use:

"i gathered everything i didn’t want into one pile. compact discs, broken keyboards, books i never finished, old lamps, torn-up blankets, cans of tuna fish, and all the other crap that was just sitting in my house, taunting me. i separated it out into about fifteen different boxes, and then hit the internet.

"after searching around, i found that the high school i went to had a special page for alumni to list their current occupations and whereabouts. this was perfect. i copied down a bunch of addresses from people i didn’t even remember attending school with, and then set to work writing letters: DEAREST _____ (this is where i put the person’s name), THIS LETTER MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO YOU, BUT I AM PLEASED TO MAKE YOUR ACQUAINTANCE. ENCLOSED ARE SOME ITEMS WHICH YOU WILL FIND EXTREMELY VALUABLE. FOR THESE ITEMS, I HUMBLY REQUEST A FEE OF $70.00 (SEVENTY US DOLLARS) IN EXCHANGE FOR THEM. IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO PAY FOR THESE ITEMS, PLEASE RETURN THEM POSTHASTE TO ____ ___ (and this is where i put the address of one of the other people i went to school with!!). THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND I HOPE THAT YOU ENJOY THESE ITEMS TO THEIR FULLEST. YOURS, DREWEMBE MULATTO MARIMBA.

"then i put the letters in the boxes, addressed them, sealed them up, and dropped them off at the parcel-shipping office, instructing them to collect cash on delivery from the addressee. i put a fake return address so none of my crap would accidentally come back to me.

"i can not believe how well this strategy worked. i am sitting on my new couch right now, in my new house, with my dog sitting on the floor next to me, and there are exactly zero boxes full of thrift-store trophies or computer magazines from 1998. the internet helped me move in ways i never thought possible!"