Another worthless hat trick:

Mario Guitar

Harmonica Beat Box

Windows Remixed

Oh no they di'int...
I always knew they were evil, but I never suspected that this was in their master plan.

"Purely technical reasons," my ass.

This site may get a permanent link. The Cowbell Project

The "Songs That Should Have a Cowbell" section is pretty sweet.

This is well worth a listen: The Federal Judge Song

I keep running across these things, so maybe by posting them the cycle will stop.

The Velvet Vulva

Goth Auctions

Skortman

My Michigan friends really ought to head on out to the Oakland Mall and represent. Hung is in the hizz-ouse!

Happy Dale Earnhardt Day!

Just when you thought the 15 minutes were over... the Star Wars kid in Kill Bill.

Maddox tires of abortion debate, forms own political party

Sorry, Meredith, looks like those that laugh during movie death scenes will be some of the first to go. Here's where he stands on the issues:

- I have a different stance on abortion: I'm against abortion, but for killing babies.

- No protests. Under my government, there will be no assembly, peaceful or otherwise.

- No more police. Police officers will be replaced with a strike force.

- Vampire hunting will be a government sanctioned profession. I can't stand vampires and people who claim to be them. If there are real vampires, then there should be real vampire hunters. These are the same people who say they laugh during dramas when someone gets killed. We all know a person like this, they think they're morbid and mysterious because they force out a contrived chuckle during a death scene. Oooh, you laughed during a murder, you're so unique and evil.

- Ska is banned. Nobody listens to ska. (Sorry Will)

Anti-outsouring Michael Moore hires pasty Canadians to do his dirty work



"Moore, who has championed the cause of keeping American jobs within the borders of the United States during the recent debate over outsourcing, has himself granted a company named PLANK the job of developing and designing the look and operation of Moore's web site.

"Despite his vehement objections to outsourcing American jobs, Moore still hired the Montreal-based company to create his web site.

"In addition, the web host server for Moore's web site is also Canadian-owned by Webcore Labs, whose home office is located in Calgary, Alberta."

The Players Ball comes to Ohio



"'It’s part of America,' [Bishop Don Magic] Juan said before entering the Columbus ball. 'This year, Charlize Theron won . . . (an Oscar) for being a prostitute, so you know the game has been elevated.

"'Like the Bishop says: ‘Green for the money, gold for the honey.’ It’s the American way.'

"Inside the restaurant, other famous ex-pimps — including Ice-T, an actor on the NBC drama Law & Order: Special Victims Unit; and Seamore, a Chicago hair-salon owner and promoter — joined Juan onstage.

"Members of the crowd inched close, some standing on their tiptoes to get a look at the icons they had paid as much as $100 to see.

"Tiana Ellis, 27, wanted to be in the company of players, whom she views as achievers.

"'I see people struggling and overcoming the struggle and becoming a lot better; that’s what I’m trying to do,' said Ellis, a rapper from the East Side who calls herself a 'pimpette.'"

From Reason's Hit and Run:

George Mason University economists Tyler Cowen and Alex Tabarrok have been tearing up the blogosphere at Marginal Revolution for some time now. Now, colleagues Don Boudreaux and Russel Roberts have stepped into the ring with Cafe Hayek. I await the battle royale in which they face off in spandex tights with Jim Buchanan waiting ringside with a metal folding chair.

I can't tell you how amusing I find this image. I'll be giggling madly all day... Feel free to drop your suggested wrestler names in the comments box.

Future recipient of a Darwin Award? You be the judge: the Human Target.

I want a clown sweater of my own.

Steve Balmer - The Remix

Freedom is double-plus ungood



See how you, too, can get into fashion design at Students for an Orwellian Society.

IMAX and NASCAR? It's like some sort of dream.

Visit the site to find out what famous television personality is broadening his appeal by narrating this feature and learn nifty NASCAR trivia such as:

"Drivers lose so much liquid during races that bathroom breaks aren't needed."

AWESOME!

Geek Prom - a self-described awkward evening of romance. Credit to Kathryn for the find.

Be sure to try out the "Kool Inmate Search"

From Cruel.com, this is a site that only a well-meaning but woefully misguided public servant could have created:

The Commonwealth of Kentucky's Department of Corrections Guestbook

Included are such questions as:

"Hello, I was wondering when will you be hosting the next gladiator contest between prisoners?"

and

"Do they call it the 'kool' search because thats what all the inmates smoke?"

Todd points out 419 Eater - a site dedicated to scambaiting Nigerians and convincing them to send in pictures of themselves with various signs or in ridiculous poses before agreeing to do 'business' with them. Brilliant.

Also, a brief PSA: for those of you who eschew address books in favor of typing my email address from memory, a good rule of thumb is that I don't use underscores. My cousin, Reverend Marvin, on the other hand, is rather fond of them. I'm not sure he finds the emails that mistakenly end up in his box as amusing as I find the ones that end up in mine, but I'm sure that will be a fun topic at this year's family reunion. As an alternative, you can also use myfirstname@alumni.hillsdale.edu.

I've noticed over the last year or so that The Onion seems to be getting cheaper and lousier. A lot of their headlines aren't very funny and some of them are just plain bad taste. Take one of this week's headlines: "Weird Al Honors Parents' Memory With 'Tears in Heaven' Parody." That just makes me want to slap whatever editor thought that was funny. I'm as dark and cynical as the next person (and probably a lot more so), but whatever happened to showing a little class?

Steve Ballmer nearly has a coronary doing the MicroSoft dance. For some reason I'm having visions of a Howard Dean/Steve Ballmer presidential ticket where every campaign stop would inch the political process just that much closer to professional wrestling. Woooohooo!!!!!! YEEEARGGGGGGHHHH!

Milton from Office Space makes his own Tron costume. (Camel Toe and Disturbing Spandex Warning - I would post a picture, but there's only so many fat people in silly costumes this blog can take). Credit to Zach for the link.

PETA scores another huge victory at PETCO Park

"Taking a page out of an old high school yearbook trick, an official with an animal rights organization successfully placed a hidden message in a brick on the grounds of the San Diego Padres new stadium, Petco Park.

"People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) had a 12-word statement engraved in an 8-by-8 inch brick -- the commemorative bricks were offered by the Padres as part of a permanent display surrounding the team's new $411 million stadium.

"The message reads, 'Break Open Your Cold Ones! Toast The Padres! Enjoy This Championship Organization!' The first letter of every word spells 'BOYCOTT PETCO.'

"'Petco Park might be the place where homers go to die, but PETCO stores are where animals go to die,' said Dan Shannon, a PETA campaign coordinator."

PETA clearly needs to learn how to engage in more positive subliminal messaging if they really want to have a sponsored-brick impact.

Asylum escapees push stranded car to safety, impress closeted pensioner



"Two mystery men dressed as Batman and Robin have been fighting crime and saving damsels in distress in a small English town.

"Michelle Kirby was stranded when her Peugeot 206 ran out of petrol on Easter Sunday - until Batman and Robin appeared out of nowhere and pushed her car to the nearest petrol station.

"She said: 'They just appeared. I saw them running down the road in Batman and Robin outfits - I was laughing so much.

"'They said, 'I'm Batman, I'm Robin' and I said, 'No, you're not' and asked them if they were going to a fancy dress party but they said they were going back to Gotham City.'

"Ray Cox, 61, spotted the caped crusaders at about 11:30am after doing his morning shopping.

"'I said to my wife, it would make it a better and safer place with these men,' he said. 'Batman was quite a broad chap.'"

I'm off til at least Monday.

Wow. Just wow. Look what happened to one time TigerBeat fave, Kirk Cameron. Welcome to The Way of the Master.

For fans of the Chappelle show, here's Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories in DivX.

Choose Your Own New York!

This has been making the rounds lately, and it's too weird not to share: Subservient Chicken

Some suggestions:

Dance
Lay an egg
Push Ups
The sky is falling
Show me your white meat
Show me your dark meat
Die

It will also smoke, swim, fly, beg, golf, march, and my personal favorite "the monkey." Here's a complete list of commands.

Happy Easter Kids!

Just for Malice, a tribute to the Cadbury Creme Egg.

Old man to cops: "These kids today drive however they *%#$ well please!"

Cops to old man: "Get off the road, old man."

"A pensioner spotted driving the wrong way down a motorway stopped when he saw police, to complain that everyone else was heading in the wrong direction.

"The 86-year-old granddad from Bern, Switzerland, said he had even flashed his lights at six motorists on the A6 motorway to let them know they were in the wrong.

"Officers confiscated the pensioner's car keys and drove him home while a colleague followed in the man's vehicle.

"They are now reviewing whether to take his licence from him."

Note: Readers may also replace "old man," "The 86-year-old granddad from Bern, Switzerland," and "pensioner" with "Bob Klevay" if they so choose.

Headline of the Week: Finland: Land of Literate Children

"We are a little bit embarrassed about our success," said Simo Juva, a special government adviser to the Ministry of Education, summing up the typical reaction in Finland, where boasting over accomplishments does not come easily. Perhaps next year, he said, wishfully, Finland will place second or third.

and, no, that wasn't written by a staffer for the Onion.

News Flash: Chinese Pandas too fat to mate

"Conservation workers have introduced an exercise regime for giant pandas in Chinese zoos because they're too fat to mate.

"Pandas are being encouraged to lose weight and strengthen their limbs. They need help to get through the mating season, which usually starts in March and last three months, reports Xinhuanet."

Egg-tastic

I opened the trash folder in my Yahoo account, and look what was waiting for me: The Eggstractor, just in time for Easter!



The action video on the website takes the excitement to a whole new level.

Gotta get me one ofThose Shirts

Is the Mini Cooper an Autobot or Decepticon?
Part of me refuses to accept that this is not a hoax. Check out this real life transformer.

When Eastern Europeans decide to animate, you get Perk.

By request, here are some links for The Darkness. Be sure to check out their videos, especially the one for "I Believe in a Thing Called Love." And as long as I'm plugging bands, you should also check out Muse.

Cop Radio: We have a gang shooting on 3rd and Main. Three wounded, one dead.
Brian: Is it just me or is rap getting lazier?

Brian: Oh, please, Peter, your excuses are lamer than FDR's legs.
Meg & Peter: *gasp*
Brian: Too soon?

Family Guy Quotes

Sweet cicada-inspired melodies

Roger & Me viewers should be familiar with the excellent ideas local Chambers of Commerce come up with to promote their area. Not to be outdone by Flint's "Our spark will surprise you," Cincinnati is planning a Cicada CD to attract attention:

"The Walker Project and several other area acts were chosen by the Chamber of Commerce and the Midpoint Music Festival to make a compact disc celebrating cicadas."

A sample of The Walker Project's lyrics:

"Waited 17 years to party, now my wings are all dry and i'm about to fly, my stakes are high, i ain't going to lie, uh!"

Nestle comes clean about Aero bars



If you've ever had one of these, it's hard to disagree with their new marketing approach:

"An investigation is underway at a Nestle factory after a rude message was found on thousands of Aero wrappers.

"According to a source at the factory in York, the words 'S**t bar' appeared where the Best Before date and code would normally be printed."

Top 100 April Fool's Day Hoaxes Of All Time

New York Press dishes up a little hate: 50 Most Loathsome New Yorkers

Aaron Russo for President

Disclaimer: I don't actually know this guy, but no doubt I'll run into him at a conspiracy gathering one of these days. Be sure to check out his bio. He's a lot more fun than Harry Browne, and when he smiles he looks like a South Park character from the Pokemon episode.

Looks like Stephen King is wrapping up the Dark Tower series with the 6th and 7th books coming out this summer. I'll have to add reading the books through from the beginning onto my summer to-do list along with watching all of the Sopranos (I have yet to see an entire episode) and seeing the original Twin Peaks series.

On a related note, after having three job offers roll in on Friday, I once again have a future. I've accepted a job working in Denver for the summer, so it looks as though I'm Colorado bound once again. Incidentally, this will be the first time I've actually had a job in Colorado not counting the paper route I helped my older sister out with when I was in the 3rd grade. And, yes, I really did that, and no it was not a character-building experience.

This is something of a repeat. I posted these album covers before, but now someone has gone through the trouble to rank the 10 worst covers of all time and add some hysterical descriptions. Be sure not to miss part 2. (Credit to Todd for the links.)

Check out 100 Movies that Deserve More Love - although many of these are just plain crap, the list won me over with #15 "Space Truckers." Certain persons should be thankful that I subjected them both to this movie and to "Dark Star," which makes this review fully appreciable.

If you haven't seen The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, you should.

A nifty little site for downloading random MP3's: The Bubblegum Machine

Damn you democracy! Damn yooouuuu!!!!!!!!

I think the system may have finally thwarted my policy of utter apathy/”if the booth isn’t on my way to something, I’m not voting” rule. I got my voter registration in the mail (which I only bothered to get because I had time to kill while waiting in line for my license) – turns out my polling place is literally on my block. I don't even have to cross a street, much less turn a corner to get there. It's like three doors down from my apartment building. Can someone please step in and make this less worth my time?

Whatever would we do without the internet... someone has taken the time to systematically rate the quality of world flags.
I'm just happy to note that the USVI flag came in second to last.

Lesson for those about to travel: Don't cross Richard Simmons



"A fellow passenger recognized Simmons on Wednesday night at Phoenix's Sky Harbor International Airport as he was waiting for a flight to Los Angeles, police said.

"The man 'made the off-hand comment, 'Hey everybody. It's Richard Simmons. Let's drop our bags and rock to the '50s,'' said Phoenix police Sgt. Tom Osborne. 'Mr. Simmons took exception to it and walked over to the other passenger and apparently slapped him in the face.'"

4-Year-Old Brings Crack Cocaine To Preschool

"It wasn't your average show-and-tell at an Indianapolis preschool.

"Police say a 4-year-old boy took rocks of crack cocaine -- worth about $10,000-- out of his backpack and showed them to other kids in his Head Start class. He said it was flour.

"But teachers realized it was cocaine and called authorities."



This picture doesn't have anything to do with the story, it's just what comes up when you type "crack cocaine" into Google image search.

The Colonel's Secret Recipe: Cruelty

Looks like PETA doesn't know just how good cruelty tastes. They plan to hand out buckets of blood to children as part of their latest retarded campaign.

This entire article is a must read.
As a side note, I once raced turtles in Perham, Minnesota while on a family vacation. Somewhere in my mom's basement there's even a blue ribbon for having the fastest turtle in my heat. (Alas I was knocked out of the final race when my turtle did a 180 part way through the race.) Before you judge me too harshly, let me just say that watching turtles haul ass across hot pavement is a lot more entertaining than you might think.

The Showgirls DVD comes with all the bells and pasties.


What would Principal Belding think?

The Hiibel case is currently up before the Supreme Court. Let's all hope Scalia loses this one.

This is just a fun time waster: A Break in the Road

Inbreeding becomes a fashion statement



Abercrombie & Fitch is once again creating media buzz by offending people. The question is, why pay A&F prices when you can get an equally absurd t-shirt from The Cotton Factory on the cheap?

Just when I thought it was time to get my war on, I find this nifty game: Homeland Insecurity

Dammit. Why didn't I know about this before I signed on for law school?

The Random Masturbation Synonym Generator

I actually found this site following the Cthulu link... coincidence?



Save Martha!

Elder God Tracts

For Cthulhu and / or Chick fans:

The Sith Rejects I think Darth Ner Tube is my favorite.

Happy Birthday Zach!!!!!

Everyone on the East Coast has two hours to spam him before I take his email address down.... if the spam count is disappointing, I may have to post his phone number, SSN, home address, and other necessary information.

Lebowski Fest



Maybe I'll try to work this in to a proposed Dollywood roadtrip...

Just when I thought I was starting to get far too much exercise from video games, technology promises to make it even easier.

“Heinasirkka, heinasirkka, menetaalta hiiteen.”

I'm a couple days late, but it's not as if anyone noticed.

I try not to post quizzes, but these two have been making the rounds the last few days and are really good:

The Country Quiz

The Book Quiz

For the curious, I am Libya and Siddharta by Herman Hesse, respectively.

Take your pants off, Dylan!

I'm back from a brief stint in London with a new appreciation for firefighters, Mother Goose, and the systemic looting of foreign relics a la the British Museum. Perhaps most importantly, I was able to witness the theatrical atrocity that is When Harry Met Sally as performed by Luke Perry and Alyson Hannigan. The highlight was watching the audience of twenty and thirty somethings reliving their 90210 fantasies with barely controlled glee as Dylan gave the audience a gratuitous glimpse of his pert apple ass. The rest was straight out of a bad high school play in which the performers are clearly putting so much effort into remembering their lines and the blocking that actual acting is out of the question. Sadly, I had predicted that Perry would be the show's ruin, but next to Hannigan, he is a gifted thespian indeed. She is truly awful. AWFUL.

Moving Violations

Sure, it's always fun to reference an awful movie, but this post has a serious message, too. Just because someone looks like a bad person doesn't give you the right to run them over.

"A French artist allegedly traumatized by last week's Spain bombings was convicted of trying to run over a pedestrian he mistook for Osama bin Laden and ordered to pay the man $615.

"[The driver's] lawyer, David Mendel, said his client was the 'victim of a hallucination' while driving Monday through Montpellier's historic center.

"The intended target, a man in his 30s, was able to run from the oncoming car, which crashed along the side of a street.

"'If it was (bin Laden), we would have won $5 million,' Mendel said, referring to a reward."

Another fine Blue Q product...

From the makers of the Mini-Mullet Party Pack comes Handz-Off Chewing Gum.

The Dutch have something in common with Afghanis

"A frustrated Afghan soldier who could not afford to get married has been released without charge after being caught having sex with a donkey, police said Tuesday.

"The soldier, who was not identified, was detained for several days last week after a young boy spotted him with the animal in an abandoned house in the southeastern town of Gardez.

"'The man insisted he had no other choice but the donkey because he could not afford to pay a dowry to get married,' a local police officer told Reuters."

A nice addition to the bag of plagues...

The Mini-Mullet Party Pack

I'm off for the next five days. I leave all posting in Matt's capable hands.

Most excellent news! Sam Tanenhaus has just been appointed the new Book Review Editor for the New York Times. Sam is a great guy and a very fair and thorough writer. He is the one responsible for the big Vanity Fair piece on Hillsdale a few years back and is also the author of "Whittaker Chambers: A Biography."

"ch" + "ill" = "chill"

The Electric Company Archive

Tattoo your teeth.

I think I'm as disturbed by the tattoo selection as I am by the process itself. Fox News? Sistine Chapel hands? Da Bulls? Ick.

We've got nothing on this guy...

I have to say, the Dutch are in a bad way if this is really true:

"Two Dutch political parties called Wednesday for laws prohibiting sex with animals after a man suspected of having sex with a pony was set free.

"Wearing nothing but a T-shirt, the man was arrested by police in Utrecht Monday after the pony's owner caught him by surprise in his stable.

"'He was caught in the stable, busy with the pony, and was arrested for animal mistreatment,' Mary Hallebeek, a prosecution spokeswoman said.

"The prosecutor set him free because there was no evidence of a crime. Dutch law does not prohibit bestiality."

No evidence of a crime?!?!? If I found some guy in my tool shed wearing nothing but a t-shirt and raping my dog I would like to think he'd at least get a trespassing rap.

Celebrate Passover with a fun Bag of Plagues.

I think Victor is trying to blog vicariously... here's his latest contribution:"Dumptruck"

In the Nav-eeee! Japanese recruitment video. I can't wait for Fleet Week.

Quarter-folks to get quarter-votes in California?

Any constitutional amendment with a name as cool as "Training Wheels for Citizenship" seems like a no-brainer for sound public policy...

"In a rare and likely quixotic proposal, Sen. John Vasconcellos on Monday introduced a bill that would allow anyone 14 or older to vote -- at least fractionally -- starting as early as 2006.

"The proposal, which would grant people ages 16 and 17 a half-vote and those who are 14 and 15 a quarter-vote, is the final legislative push by the termed-out San Jose Democrat, an unapologetic liberal and the father of California's self-esteem movement.

"'We're just children, or that's what some people think,' said Victoria Martinez, 14, of San Jose, who supports the bill. 'But we do have minds and political views.'

"Flanked by about two dozen teens at a news briefing Monday, Vasconcellos dubbed his attempt to amend the California Constitution 'Training Wheels for Citizenship,' a way to engage about 2 million more young people at a time of low voter turnout."

Priceless Kerry Ad

I'm not sure how pointing out Kerry's privileged background distinguishes him from Bush, but it's still an amusing ad.

Bad snack apologetics

From Cruel.com . . . True, Funyuns may be gross, but they still outsell Responsibilityuns.

To complete this week's "pop culture meets christianity and I'm so going to hell triad," here's Led Zeppelin - The Satanic Messages.

SomethingAwful.com's latest Photoshop contest: Product Placement in The Passion of Christ

The Exorcist in 30 seconds with bunnies.

The Book Of Sick is just that. Warning: this is very VERY dark.

I'm convinced that no one who grew up on the east coast can do this.

Cheap laughs with children's television and sexual innuendo: Rainbow!

Woohoo! The Firefly movie has been greenlit for production. "Serenity" has an ETA for next year. Looks like Whedon is writing and directing and that most of the cast has signed on. Conspicuosly absent are Alan Tudyk and Ron Glass. While I can do without Glass, Tudyk would be a big loss. He's been a favorite of mine since he played Gerhardt the flaming neurotic in rehab with Sandra Bullock in 28 Days (he was the single redeeming part of the movie). Tudyk is also starring as "Sonny" the main robot in the upcoming "I, Robot."

Suburban Trunk Monkey is back!

The mystery of Graceland's 2nd Floor is finally revealed. And knowing how tacky the rest of the house is, I can believe the photos are real.

My patriotism kicks your patriotism's . . .
Or, dispatches from an Arkansas Wal-Mart, part I

Just think how awesome you're going to look in this fashionable button-up that you can make yourself! The best part is, you can listen to this guy's well-reviewed cd while you sew...

Victor posted this in one of the comment threads. It was too good not to repost on the main page:

Here's that Reason article on eminent domain I mentioned a while back. Also, Todd has a nice piece in the new issue on the FDA that you should check out.

EvilLyrics is a nifty little application that works with lots of different mp3 players (btw - I recommend Foobar, what you lose with bells and whistles you make up for with ease of use and stability - it also plays ogg and flac files). It automatically downloads the lyrics of whatever song is playing.