Monorail! Monorail! Monorail!



From Boing Boing: Ray Bradbury channels Lyle Lanley:

"The monorail is extraordinary in that it can be built elsewhere and then carried in and installed in mid-street with little confusion and no destruction of businesses.

"As soon as possible, we must call in one of the world's monorail-building companies to see what could be done so that the first ones could be in position by the end of the year to help our huddled traffic masses yearning to travel freely.

"The freeway is the past, the monorail is our future, above and beyond."

Of course, Bradbury's long-standing refusal to drive probably has nothing to do with his position.

Update: But can it move puppies???

We're overdue for a good photoshop post. From Worth1000: If Canadians Ruled the Earth

Any means necessary



From Ex Parte via DoL: "This hilarious Detroit News article reveals that unions have been hiring the homeless - at minimum wage and without health care benefits - to picket at non-union job sites. Oh, the humanity! Oh, the hypocrisy!

"'We're giving jobs to people who didn't have jobs, people who in some cases couldn't secure work,' said George Eisner, head of the union's mid-Atlantic regional council in Baltimore.

"God, I love these quotes. So, um, how exactly is this different from the employees at the non-union construction site that you're protesting? I wonder if these union schmucks realize the extent to which their defense of this practice undermines the whole purpose of unions."

I've deftly avoided posting the thousand and one links related to intoonfadah, but this one I just can't resist.

AICN adds a contribution to V-day with these X3 valentines mocking the unfortunate Rent-vibe that is permeating their ad campaign.

Conan Sets Sail for the Motherland

(just imagine him in blue and white)

"Late Night" host Conan O'Brien has joked that no one watches his talk show. That's certainly not the case in Finland, where he has become an unlikely cultural icon - and soon a visiting one.

The quirky, self-deprecating NBC host, along with a camera crew, will visit the Nordic country next week. He'll meet with newly elected Finnish President Tarja Halonen and receive an award on Feb. 14 at the Telvis Awards in Helsinki for being "the most surprising and entertaining TV personality in Finland."
"Once I conquer Finland, I'll head south through the Baltics and on to Belarus," O'Brien joked. "Soon, all the world will find me mildly amusing."


This is so much better than Toronto.

Credit to Nick.

What is love? Remix compilation. Worth it just to see the "What doth love be?" version.

Another Valentine's Day option



From BoingBoing: "True love may wait, but goatse does not."

More odd valentines at Seven Deadly Sinners.

In case you missed her... Article III Groupie is back! ...and David Lat, the man behind the gender-bending nom de plume is now slumming with Wonkette.

All the Brokeback Mountain parodies you can stand. For those who want the latest updates, be sure to check out Tian's blog.

Welcome to Bobacabana. Crazy begins near the yearbooks and comes into full bloom somewhere around the cereal boxes. I can't even begin to comment on the anime.

Apparently, I'm in the right character class to save the universe.

Arriving in a new town for the very first time, dressed in a confused mishmash of brown leggings, a priestly robe, chain mail jerkin, leather gloves, three magic rings, a large amulet necklace and a pointed wizard's hat, any number of distraught mothers will approach me and beg that I find their missing children/husbands/swords. Perhaps, I might be walking around naked but for the scrap of cloth protecting my decency and a fine pair of kobold-hide boots, but this won't prevent the local baker from requesting that I take a magic cake to his colleague in a neighbouring town, or the grumpy old codger from barking at me that I should clear his basement of vampiric rats.

What are they thinking? Do they ask just anyone who walks past, and I'm the only one daft enough to stop and listen? And when, exactly, was the last time someone accosted you in the street and asked you to complete a quest for them?

I decided to put this to the test.

The plan: To take to the streets, dressed as a wizard, with a quest for the good peoples of Bath, England.

If you haven't been watching Project Runway obsessively, you may have missed the delightful clips of quirky egotistical Santino doing many impromptu impressions of Tim Gunn, Chair of the Parsons School For Design. Check out this spot-on impression of Gunn reciting Nine Inch Nail's Closer.

Chewbacca-blog. Brilliant.

Drew blows a gasket



Normally mild-mannered and good natured Toothpaste for Dinner artist Drew recently sent out this message to his loyal readers:

"hey notifylist people,

"thanks a whole f*#king lot for all your corrections. it really is
awesome. i mean, i totally needed about 300 emails pointing out that
the porcupine in my last email was a hedgehog.

"oh and thanks for the 250 links to f$@king snopes about the arby's
thing.

"really, i try to do something fun, and you guys just wreck it, and turn
it into something that's a burden for me (it took ten minutes for my
email inbox to load) so i am going to stop doing these notifylists
until you can all settle the f%*k down and stop bugging me.

"have a good weekend. don't email me. buy some t-shirts. shut the hell
up about how i should make different t-shirts. just shut the hell up.
leave me alone for one second.

"drew"

Anyway, if you also want to have equally pleasant drops of sunshine in your inbox, sign up for The Toothpaste for Dinner mailing list. My suggestion, of course, would be to immediately reply and mention that you heard he was confused about porcupines and Arby's roast beef being made out of liquid.

Sing Along With Roseanne

Somehow I just know American Idol is to blame for this.

Meet Karl Pilkington



M&C highlights another great video - this time it's Ricky Gervais interviewing recently-christened radio star Karl Pilkington.

Plenty of downloads from The Ricky Gervais & Stephen Merchant Show available here.

Nothing says nuptials like Nascar



Don't forget the Sport Cake kit when planning for your big day.

Hershey's establishes "snack dominance"



WASAW reports that with new Kissables, "Hershey's has struck again with an innovative and fun spin on candy."

The question remains, though, whether the packaging will fly: "I like the packaging, but it doesn't feel hip enough for the kids these days. The silvery-gray lends sophistication to what would otherwise be a primary color orgy of happiness. Will the youngsters and their piercings and crazy hair and SATs want that sophistication? I don't know - I didn't ask any of them. Their skateboards frighten me."

Brokeback to the Future



From M&C: "It was an experiment in time, but the one variable they forgot was love."

Inspiring



For some reason, America's public libraries have yet to add Marquette University's "Goofy Professor" line of READ posters to their standard celebrity roster.

This Valentine's, treat them like the special victims they are



Unfortunately, Mr. Bird announced he's cutting off the supply of his own works, but with some creativity and a color printer, you can still share your true feelings with loved ones.

Cityrag gives us proof that Ashlee Simpson and David Lee Roth were separated at birth.

I have blog-envy.

"Fancy Some Human Action?"

More K-Fed mockery; Popozao meets Peanut Butter Jelly Time

I sense a new net-meme emerging...

Sleepless in Seattle goes all bunny boiler.

Hans Brix, You Breakin' My Balls!

Updates:

Tarja Halonen wins Finnish election by a margin we can safely attribute to Conan O'Brien, and Our Man in Lansing relays a story that Captain Jackson was arrested on a DUI last month.

Catch Michael Malice on Tucker Carlson tonight. Let's hope he outdoes Jon Stewart's appearance.

We're here to protect you



From DoL: A DEA agent accidentally shoots himself while conducting a presentation on gun safety.

Yum



Steve tracks down a delicious recipe for Kitty Litter Cake.

Song Tapper - tap the spacebar to the rhythm of a song's melody and it will tell you the name of your song. Nifty.

I had to link this after I saw it on Best Week Ever: James Lipton performs a dramatic interpretation of Popozao

Epic 2015

The internets is magic.

Webcomic tattoos



Show your love for Toothpaste for Dinner or Exploding Dog by permanently scarring your flesh!

Why was Jackson such a cool place to drive to from Hillsdale?



Superheroes - Michigan style!

From The Presurfer: "Captain Jackson and The Crimefighter Corps patrol the streets of Jackson, Michigan looking to report and deter crime and educate people about working with the Police.

"CRIMEFIGHTER GIRL, also know as 'JACKSON'S LITTLE SWEETHEART' is CAPTAIN JACKSON'S 15 year old sidekick.

"The QUEEN of HEARTS' goal is to quell DOMESTIC VIOLENCE by teaching our youth and others how to recognize and prevent it."

It's sort of a threepeat: rate your professor + Klevay = rate your Klevay

Post-Easter reading



From Image Comics:

"In the near future, the United States is ruled by bloodsucking vampire hordes. Only one man can end their reign of terror: Jesus H. Christ. A tale of war, love, religion and severed heads, the controversial Loaded Bible answers an age-old question: 'What Would Jesus Do?' Answer: He'd kick vampire ass."

As The Great Curve points out, though, it's going to be hard to top Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.

My response to Kirk Cameron.

Cthulhu Circus



"The mash-up the world's been waiting for -- Family Circus comics with captions from H.P. Lovecraft!"

Credit to Klevay.

Just in time for Valentine's Day breakups



"I sent my friends Millie and Ted a card that said, 'I'm sorry....I'm always drunk,' because I puked on their couch last time. What a great way to let them know how sorry I am. Thanks, Cardjackers!"

Don't you wish you had one right now?



Via Mondo Schlocko: Public Service Announcement by the community-conscious John Waters.

North Koreans love the U.S.A.



Talk about an earworm...

"This is a very shocking [and hilarious] anti-American propaganda video which is said to have been made by North Koreans and previously broadcast on South Korean television and Japanese TV."

Durkl t-shirts



"Like most brilliant companies, DURKL was dreamt up over a few sixers of Zima and a pack of Kool's. Finding a word that rhymes with Steve Urkel was tough. We did it though. We simply smashed the word "dogonit" with "urkel" to form DURKL. Its obvious right?

"In early 2004, DURKL set out to design and print shirts that combined whit with iconism with sleek design. As a result, the DURKL lifestyle infected and is still infecting people in the know throughout the world. Our threads can be found all over the US, Australia, Italy, Sweden, England, and North Korea."

For Victor



"JRadio.Net is an internet 'radio' stream of Japanese Christian music, messages and bible readings. Available day or night, anywhere, on any internet connection."

Profs bite back



From DoL: Tired of having drunken idiots size them up (see below), college professors begin rating their students.

Eric gives pointers on achieving academic excellence



A selection from a recent criminal behavior class essay:

"If a rogue knew that they were so incredibly skilled at pickpocketing, so high in rank at their ability, that they only stood a one in twenty chance in being caught at stealing coins from unsuspecting townsfolk, they would be far more likely to do so than if they were a bumbling orc with poor dexterity."

Comments on professor's response to the above:

"Does he mention any of my tangental crap? Nope, he just lists extra junk I didn't mention. I was docked for not mentioning the Scared Straight Program, which had about as much relevance as D&D.

"The moral of the story here is to know how your teacher (or in some cases your T.A.) reads papers. I got A's after this by simply inserting all the possible key terms from the material he could be scanning for instead of actually trying to write a coherent narritive or make any plausable argument."

LARPers prepare to descend upon "Ye Olde Furniture Shoppe"



"IKEA is a fully immersive, 3D environmental adventure that allows you to role-play the character of someone who gives a shit about home furnishings. In traversing IKEA, you will experience a meticulously detailed alternate reality filled with garish colors, clear-lacquered birch veneer, and a host of NON-PLAYER CHARACTERS (NPCs) with the glazed looks of the recently anesthetized."

The Way of the Master



God calls Kirk Cameron to deliver the truth about you.

Cleveland?

Jimmy Kimmel tries to acquire Shatner's kidney stone.

"I gave birth to a little black thing."

"Maybe you can get Angelina Jolie to adopt it."

Terry Tate, Office Linebacker

And now for something completely serious: A Perfect Sandalista Folly

The whole World Social Forum is often called an exercise in anti-globalization, but its very setup belies its message. It relies on Internet, cheap flight routes, easy travel, Wal-mart supplies and all the other things they say they are against. The Mali leg of this event will turn out to be just a rich hippie’s expensive holiday, something paid for by someone else’s bankbook and the global value someone else created.

Credit to Nick.

For fans of Phish or fans of my friend, Scott, do check out his new website all about the creation of a video for an early Phish song that aired once at a live concert in 1991. This is why Al Gore invented the internets people.

Oh Japan, just when I think the internet is starting to bore me, you jump up on stage in a phallic swan outfit, dazzle me with your karate moves, and stage some sort of Godzilla inspired balloon battle between a flock of shrieking Japanese girls and Bob Sapp. Thank you, Japan. Thank you. By the way, who can I lobby to get "Morning Mesume" to start airing here?

Conan O'Brien embraces his roots and plays Finnish politics.

The redheaded late-night talk show host Conan O'Brien has been promoting President Tarja Halonen's re-election bid as part of a long-running joke about their supposed physical similarities.

"Why do I support Tarja Halonen? Because she's got the total package: a dynamic personality, a quick mind, and most importantly — my good looks," the comedian, whose show is broadcast on cable in Finland, said in a statement to The Associated Press.
...
In one show, O'Brien presented a mock ad for Halonen in which he and two Finns were discussing the election while fishing on a frozen lake.

When they talk about rival candidate Prime Minister Matti Vanhanen, a dead fish shoots out of the hole in the ice, prompting a joke about how the mere mention of his name causes fish to commit suicide.

"Fish recognize a bad leader," O'Brien says in broken Finnish to laughter from his studio crowd.

Halonen's opponents are not amused.

"He's just making fun of the whole election," said Harri Jaskari, campaign manager for former Finance Minister Sauli Niinisto. "If this decides the election, then we're in trouble. It gives a very poor picture of Finnish democracy."

More irreligiousness... or something: Jesus Christ the Musical

This is interesting: Atheist Statistics

Sweden is in first? C'mon people! We can do better.

Time to dish up a little Penn & Teller: The End of the World

Breath Capture


Everyone is born with it. A desire to be near the ones we care about most. And we find ways to remember them when they're away. A lock of hair. Letters. An old photo. And now there's Breath Capture™. Capture the breath of a loved one or friend and keep them close. Forever.

Brilliant.

Christian Throwback Jersey: A Proud Sponsor of Jesus

The trailer for Clerks 2 is up.

There's some great stuff over at Patton Oswalt's site. Check out the saga of Johnny Lawrence (aka Billy Zabka who was also paid tribute to on the now defunct Whatever-Dude and many 80's nostalgia sites) and take a gander at the blog while you're there.

The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny

credit to Radosh via Todd

This reminded me of a link sent around at work a few weeks back: The Chuck Norris Fact Generator (be sure to check out the Top 30)

As long as we're giving them free housing, might as well give them free drinks too.

This seems like a good way to start off the new year: The Edge asks "What's your dangerous idea?"

If only this happened to every Gap store: Pardon Our Dust

Thank you, Spike Jonze, for making my dream live.

Pimp my Nutcracker

Happy Holidays everyone!

Can Fu

This spoof pilot by the guys who made the only funny SNL skit in the last decade is hilarious.

Zefrank gives us a direct request line to Santa's elves.

I am such a sucker for Family Guy nostalgia bits: Pinball Stewie

It's official.. he really is the most terrifying pope ever....

Gotta love the Kinky Friedman campaign.

"I'm gonna de-wussify Texas if I gotta do it one wuss at a time."

Even SNL can stumble upon funny by accident: Narnia Rap

Perhaps my all-time favorite web-game, Grow, now has a Christmas edition: Grow Ornament

Now this is the war on Christmas I'm talking about:

New Yorkers get in the holiday spirit and Santa strikes back.

Favorite non sequitur of the day: “Iraq's Al Qaeda vowed on the Internet to disrupt an election it called a "'democratic' wedding of atheism and fornication."”

If only…..

One of my coworkers assures me this is hi-larious (I, however, make no such promises): Yacht Rock

The Human Spider

Ahhh Sweet Vindication...

Mr. Cranky echoes a sentiment about Rent I've had for years:

The story is about a group of friends, some with AIDS and some not, who live the Bohemian lifestyle in New York and don't want to pay rent. This apparently warrants worship. However, here's a practical idea that might help them out: Get a job and move out of New York. Let's face it: High rents and New York go together like breathing and air.

Addendum: As I was looking for a pic of Gary from Team America: World Police singing "Everyone has AIDS!," I ran across this fun factoid: The Michael Moore puppet was stuffed with ham before it was blown up. More fun trivia here.

A Christmas Gory

Samarost 2

Archie McPhee



Home of Angry Scotsman chewing gum, the Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure, 7 Deadly Sins Wristbands, Jesus Pencil Toppers and more.

Steve at The Sneeze is running a soon-to-end giveaway where you can get your hands on some bacon bandages and other fascinating items from AM.

Colbert challenges the war on Christmas



Christmas is pinned down by enemy fire and Stephen Colbert is coming to the rescue.

Meet Ned. Ned sucks.


Despite my dislike of Fear Factor, I have never really harbored any
ill will towards the host, Joe Rogan. Mostly I think that's because he often subtley mocks the contestants which makes me feel all warm and fuzzy in my heart-place. Anyhow, when I read his rant about joke thieves, I gained a whole new appreciation. Here's the best part of his PSA:

The latest, and most disgusting joke thief off all is a guy named "Carlos Mencia." The REALLY crazy thing, is that's not even his real name. He sells himself as being mexican, but the reality is his real name is Ned Holness, and he's actually half German and half Honduran. The mexican hook is something he did to ingratiate himself with the local Mexican population of LA where he started.
Now, normally I wouldn't dedicate so much time to talk about a piece of shit like "ned" on my website, but this stupid motherfucker talked shit about me on the radio, so it's open season for hacks.

Take that, ecological footprint!



"Carson Williams put up the elaborate light display at his Mason home and choreographed it all to music. But so many people have been flocking to see it that it's caused a traffic jam in his subdivision. Williams tells FOX19 that there was a car accident in the subdivision Tuesday and the police couldn't get to the scene because of the congestion.

"So he's decided to shut it down indefinitely.

"But you can see it right here" (and here, although I make no guarantees about pop-ups).

Catholics and Jews of the world unite: Siskel & Ebert on protestants



Siskel: "They don't get enough s*#$ and they have all the money. They have all the money!"

Ebert: "The only time protestants get on their knees is to adjust the f@%#ing TV set."

Siskel: "They have all the Godd^$%ed insurance companies, they have all the insurance companies, they run the government, they run everything."

Ebert: "You're right."

Siskel: "Steve Martin's new comedy Roxanne."

Ebert: "This week on Siskel and Ebert AND the Movies."

The pic says it all.

The latest in PoF's continuing coverage of Scott Stapp's downward spiral: Scott Stapp Gets into Brawl with 311


"We had just finished dinner and were at the hotel bar to watch the Lakers game when Scott Stapp walked in being very loud and obnoxious," Martinez tells Rolling Stone. "In fact, one of the first things he said was that he loved to fight. So he started doing shots and breaking the glass on the bar, almost hitting one of our crew guys. My wife and I moved to a table and eventually Scott made his way over and sat down. He was looking for attention. Even before that, he had wadded up a napkin that he lobbed in our direction. It was pathetic, and we tried to ignore him, but it was impossible. Then he made a pretty disrespectful comment to my wife, which I'd rather not repeat, but in no uncertain terms, the word 'fuck' was used. That's when [drummer] Chad [Sexton] walked over."

"I had run into Scott that day," says Sexton. "We have some things in common, like the same producer, and we chatted for a few minutes. So knowing we got along earlier, I kindly asked him not to disrespect anybody and reminded him that we're all friends. That's when he sucker-punched me -- hit me right in the face."

"When Scott punched Chad," adds Martinez, "in the follow-through, he hit my wife so then I threw my punch. I think the last time I got into a fight was in the third grade, but it was an instant reaction on my part. [311 bassist] P-Nut also came over and he got sucked into it, opening up a scar on his right arm from a recent surgery. Scott went down, and his girl came over and sat on him to get him to stop, but he got up, enraged, still wanting to fight. After about five minutes, hotel security finally broke it up and kicked him out. Honestly, the hotel was really at fault for not kicking him out when he threw the first shot glass."

Some holiday cheer:

Cthulu Lego

Supamonks!

Indiana social discourse



Foolishly thinking Indiana would be an improvement over Arkansas, I nearly drove off the road the other day after reading a window-sized declaration that some guy's truck here is "Eatin' Fords and Shitin' Chevys."



Hoosiers are also quite fond of memorializing lost loved ones in car window sticker form, which is a new concept for me. Yes, that's a bulldozer - whether the person was fond of bulldozers, is supposed to have driven a bulldozer, or was run over by a bulldozer remains unclear. In any case, Calvin pissing apparently could not be worked in. Fear not, though, "No Fear" fans, the trend is still in its infancy.

Drew recently mentioned that "bumper stickers come in two varieties: 'extreme viewpoint' and 'infuriating cliche.'" Given these new developments, "formal declaration of stupidity" seems to be more comprehensive.



On the other side of the political spectrum, one fellow recently walked onto campus and was complimented on his nice red and green Christmas ribbons. He gave thanks for the compliment, and then politely explained that these were actually for sexual abuse and domestic violence awareness. I'm thinking of wearing "Incest Awareness Santa" to class at some point here, as well as attaching "Awareness of Awareness" magnetic ribbons to those portions of my car that have not already been covered in rust.

You have your photos against the background of every conceivable landmark. The pyramids make you yawn. You've been to luxury resorts. You've tried eco-tourism. You've gone to working trips abroad. You've done sex in Thailand and drugs in Amsterdam. You've taught English and teeth brushing techniques to flee-ridden children in Zimbabwe. You've stayed in Hymalayan buddhist monasteries and hand-fed penguins in the Antarctic. You've seen it all. People and places, cultures and countries no longer amuse you.

Realization that in six thousand years of civilization humanity hasn't generated enough entertainment for just this one lousy lifetime of yours makes you dangerously bored.

For the sophisticated misanthrope you've become we are pround to present the new revolutionary concept of Misery Tourism.

credit to Nick.