There's a right way to play two guitars at once and a wrong way.

I have a totally perverse desire to run out and see Alone in the Dark now that it's gotten a whopping 1% rating on the tomatometer. Here are some choice bits from the reviews:

"The three stars [Christian Slater, Stephen Dorff, Tara Reid] have seen better days, but I'd like to think they could still do something classier and more dignified than this. Like gay porn."

"Saying Uwe Boll’s Alone in the Dark is better than his 2003 American debut House of the Dead is akin to praising syphilis for not being HIV.""

"...films like "Battlefield Earth" and "The Adventures of Pluto Nash" await a film of this magnitude because it gets awfully lonely on the island of misfit movies."

"Actually has an entire group of adults call out to a lost comrade, 'Marco!' What does he expect the audience to do when they hear that? I mean, come on."

Another great viral for VW (although this may not be a hoax): Gene Kelly Pops and Locks

Perhaps the best anti-drug message I've ever seen: Faces of Meth

Backwards Bush Countdown



You'd think the term limits folks would have thought of something like this.

Bunny Suicides

LOTR fan made animated gifs via Something Awful:

Catapult
Catapult 2
LOTR the Short Version

Suicide bomb-proof VW

This story about a "reformed" Falun Gong member scares the bejeesus out of me. I wonder if he starts vomiting whenever Beethoven's Ode to Joy is played.

Get your geek on



As seen on Division of Labour - Nerds with too much money can now telecommute from their Ewok Habitat and, when forced outdoors, can head to Taco Bell late in their very own Badonkadonk.

Who says large scale natural disasters can't be subsidized fun for kids?! Play the FEMA Tsunami game! (link via Drudge)

Simpsons to out a character



"Groundbreaking animated TV comedy The Simpsons will 'out' one of its characters as gay this season, reports The Philadelphia Inquirer.

"Nobody knows who it'll be, and the speculation has seen some big money wagered since the rumours began to circulate in July. Online betting stop BetUS.com says it has taken more than 900 bets so far.

"'It appears that many of our customers have an opinion on who the gay character is,' says Mike Foreman, spokesperson for BetUS.com. 'We've taken more than 900 bets, mostly on Patty and Smithers.'

"But it seems the show, which has courted controversy before, may end up pushing the envelope as far as it can go on this one.

"Some speculate that the Simpsons' devoutly Christian neighbour Ned Flanders may be the one who'll be outed. He's got odds of 15-1, and several large wagers have been placed on his character, which has come as a surprise to the bookmaker."

Tim Minear talks about his latest efforts to adapt Robert Heinlein's The Moon is a Harsh Mistress for the big screen.

Trump, Burnett assure public they are "not gay"



"Donald Trump is humming a Broadway melody as 'The Apprentice' returns for its third season Thursday. Trump said he and fellow executive producer Mark Burnett are weighing a stage musical based on the NBC reality series about competition among corporate jobseekers.

"'We are really looking at it and we've had a lot of interest from Broadway,' Trump said Tuesday.

"The real estate mogul, known for excess rather than understatement, predicted a musical adaptation 'would be a smash.' The proposal is being shaped, he said, promising more details later."

Most likely to embarass your high school through successful films not involving pornography.



Michael Moore may have an Oscar, but there's one recognition he can't seem to get. Moore has been rejected all four times that he has been nominated for Davison High School's Hall of Fame.

"Would you want him as a role model? Would you want your son or daughter to be like him?" asked Don Hammond, a member of the Hall of Fame selection committee. "I haven't talked to anybody yet who's for him. The word to describe Michael Moore is embarrassing. He embarrasses everybody."

Kudos go out to Mr. Malice who's been getting lots of attention lately for his site, Overheard in New York, and the newly launched Overheard in the Office. The "will you post a link to my site?" days are a now a dim memory of the past. If you haven't already become addicted to these sites, be sure to check them out.

Gem City heroes assist war effort with "sex bomb"



Military experts in Dayton helped crack the infamous Enigma code in WWII, but in the absence of evil Nazi plotting have moved on to subjects that involve more interesting experiment trials:

"The Pentagon considered developing a host of non-lethal chemical weapons that would disrupt discipline and morale among enemy troops, newly declassified documents reveal.

"Most bizarre among the plans was one for the development of an 'aphrodisiac' chemical weapon that would make enemy soldiers sexually irresistible to each other. Provoking widespread homosexual behaviour among troops would cause a 'distasteful but completely non-lethal' blow to morale, the proposal says.

"Other ideas included chemical weapons that attract swarms of enraged wasps or angry rats to troop positions, making them uninhabitable. Another was to develop a chemical that caused 'severe and lasting halitosis,' making it easy to identify guerrillas trying to blend in with civilians. There was also the idea of making troops' skin unbearably sensitive to sunlight.

"The proposals, from the US Air Force Wright Laboratory in Dayton, Ohio, date from 1994. The lab sought Pentagon funding for research into what it called 'harassing, annoying and 'bad guy'-identifying chemicals.' The plans have been posted online by the Sunshine Project, an organisation that exposes research into chemical and biological weapons.

Spokesman Edward Hammond says it was not known if the proposed $7.5 million, six-year research plan was ever pursued."

Seanbaby on country music



"To be honest, I can’t name a single Dixie Chicks song due to my literacy and the country-music enthusiasm that it prevents, so I am absolutely guessing when I suspect their latest hit, 'Farmy Time Apple Butterin’ (In Your Arms Tonight),' doesn’t have the same energy as their Halloween classic, 'Haunted Hambone Ho-down.' If you’re offended by my insensitivity towards the literacy of country-western fans, you and the other cast members of Hee Haw are, of course, free to send angry letters."

PORG shortage



"Filming of the new series of Doctor Who has been hit by a shortage of dwarf actors.

"Producers needed them to play little blue aliens in the new BBC sci-fi drama, reports the Mirror.

"But most midget actors have already been snapped up for the new Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie or to play Gringotts Bank staff in the new Harry Potter film.

"Executive producer Russell T Davies said: 'It's very difficult to employ persons of restricted growth when, as our producer Phil Collinson says, `Bloody Gringotts and the Chocolate Factory are filming at the same time.'

"Peter Burroughs, whose Willow Personal Management is one of just two UK agencies for dwarf actors, admitted he had been unable to supply Dr Who with a 3ft 8in star."

Life goes on



Some vacationers go to great lengths to bolster tsunami-battered economies.

Schnappi rocks



"The hottest thing in German music right now is a 4-year-old girl's made-up song about a crocodile.

"Joy Gruttman's song, 'Snappy the Little Crocodile' ('Schnappi, das kleine Krokodil'), is the No. 1 song on the German charts. Her family posted the song on a Web site as a joke, but a radio station in Cologne, Germany, got hold of it and made it a hit.

"Gruttman is the youngest recording artist to make it to the German Top 10, let alone No. 1.

"'Snappy' beat out songs by Kylie Minogue and Linkin Park. The song is even appearing as remixes in German dance clubs."

Spinning teeth now available



For a limited time, get caps for only $32 a piece from TripleX Gold Teeth (as seen in Mad Flava magazine).

"Here you will find a variety of Top Teeth applications as well as Bottom Teeth applications. We have an exclusive line of fine Gold Teeth Wear."

This is only relevant to about three people who read this site, but I'm sharing anyway. Only people who know Tom will understand why this story immediately brought him to mind. They ought to be called Prestin Ants.

Someone has spent way too much time playing foosball.

Don't ever say this blog is useless.

Thanks to someone over at metafilter, I now have all the links I ever need to find smooshed penny collections and penny smooshing machines. I can now join a club and even get my own custom penny. Although I already knew about the museum (someone's basement) in Washington D.C., the website fails to tell you that when you try to actually go there, the proprietors won't be there and will expect you to make arrangements eons in advance to plan for your arrival. Not that I would have obsessively tried to go there or anything.... ho hum...

I'll be back in NY tomorrow. Not long before I'll be on a streetcorner with a cardboard sign reading "The end is nigh!" Yes, folks, I'm outta there in May.

Someone needs to develop a theory or better yet - start a website - about why only second rate celebrities seem to ever be republicans, because aside from Arnie, Bruce, Mel, and my hero, Charlton Heston, there are no outspoken A-listers and they're certainly the exception to the rule. Just to get your wheels spinning: Pat Sajak, James Belushi, Delta Burke, Tony Danza, David Spade, Ted Nugent, Dee Snider, James Woods, Rick Schroder, Dean Cain, Vincent Gallo, Kevin Sorbo, Buddy Ebsen (RIP), Ben Stein, and lastly, Steven Baldwin (Not Alec, not Billy, not even Daniel, no - we're talkin' the stand-in Barney Rubble when Rick Moranis isn't available). There are a few A-listers rumored to be on the GOP-bandwagon (Denzel Washington, Gary Sinise, John Malkovich, David Lynch), and a few whose names don't sound a siren call of lameness (Emma Caulfield, John Rhys Davies, Vince Vaughn), but I have my doubts. And if anyone can spin me a theory on why the GOP has a lock on both super vapid uber-pop couples, Sarah Michelle Geller/Freddie Prinze Jr. & Nick Lachey/Jessica Simpson, I'm all ears.

Taxidermy Federated

(No actual taxidermy or federating involved.)

Maddox adds a brilliant contribution to our cultural zeitgeist with the 11 worst songs of 2004.