May none of you receive an AOL cd this Christmas...

I have had three posts thwarted by AOL in the last week, so I am giving up until I return to NY. Until then, happy holidays and think of me next time you visit some website that is a complete waste of time.

The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins courtesy of Leonard Nimoy - credit to Todd for the link.

All the good I have worked for in this world is for nought.... when I left my mother's house last, she had a fullly functional broadband cable connection. I return to find that she now has AOL dial up. I have descended into internet hell.

Another nifty Christmas idea: give someone an ebola virus necktie:

Customize your Mazda Miata with teeth.

Martial arts meets physiology - nifty clips from the Discovery Channel.

From the state that brought you the savage death of Matthew Shepherd, Wyoming now gives you Columbine Paintball!

I'm posting this on Nick's behalf: The definitive guide to General Tso's chicken.

BTW - finals are over, I'll be in Colorado by Monday, and I have a backlog of crap to post for your enjoyment.

It takes something special to actually make my jaw drop in sheer horror and amazement. This ad for camel-toe enhancement pretty much does the trick.

Blatantly stolen from Victor's blog.

Don't know what to get your favorite chess-player for Christmas? Enroll him in a chess-boxing tournament!

More fun with Google. Search for "miserable failure" and hit "I'm feeling lucky."

Most of the time, I find Norm MacDonald pretty lame, but his interview with the latest reality TV trash is priceless:

Norm: 'Isn't Lionel Richie a black guy?'
Paris: 'She's black!'
Nicole: 'I am black!'
Norm: 'You're black?'
....
Norm: 'Did you get in any trouble because you're black?'
Nicole: 'No! You're so rude.'
Norm: 'I thought hillbillies didn't care for black people.'
Nicole: 'They love me.'
Paris: 'They love her.'
Norm: 'Because you're not black!'
Nicole: 'Yes, I am black.'

Kim Jong Il's LiveJournal - hysterical. Credit to Nick for the find.

I promise nothing until finals are over... see you in a few weeks.

Update: The Library Hotel reached a settlement with the Dewey Decimal folks. Book lovers can breathe easily once again.

The Michael Jackson website spoofing has begun.

Yet another reason to be thankful this Thanksgiving:

This post makes up for the lameness of the last few weeks of postings. Behold the glory of the Chapman brothers as they jump rope for Jesus.

After a viewing of Tron yesterday, I have come to the objective conclusion that it is in every way vastly superior to the Matrix Trilogy.
"I've got a little challenge for you Sark: a new recruit. He's a tough case, but I want him treated in the usual manner. Train him for the games. Let him hope for a while. Then blow him away."

For all your Christmas shopping needs: heavenly gear. They must be out of stock on the black Nikes....

Insert your own inappropriate caption here.

This has potential.

In geek news, one of my favorite characters has been brought back to Angel. Lindsay (and perhaps his evil hand!) has returned! All hail team Whedon. This season has been excellent overall... IMHO this show is much more solid and entertaining than Buffy.

Some rather bizarre short pilots over at Channel 101, including several Jack Black contirbutions that don't exactly highlight his comedic talents...

From a time when cartoons still had hair on their chests... WWII Propaganda Cartoons. I know it's a little warped, but I love these. Nothing like marketing a little war mongering and racism to the kids. My favorite one is a Donald Duck toon, "The Spirit," which has the endearing message that we should all work hard so that we can pay more taxes in order to drop more bombs on Germans. And check out this one on how children become nazis. The imagery towards the end showing the bible turning into Mein Kampf and a crucifix morphing into a Nazi dagger is especially fun.

Vermont to secede.

"As Naylor started drafting 'The Vermont Manifesto' two years ago and formed the Second Vermont Republic, 'Some people laughed at me. Most just ignored it.'"

Giant Robots, Atomic Weapons, Death Rays.. need I say more?

I've really been digging the postings over at Low Culture lately, check out this bit on magazines that have compared themselves to Vanity Fair and this one on the Fox hypocrisy towards sex scandals and their reality shows.

Though I'm not especially interested in the book being reviewed, this piece on tolerance and liberalism by Loren Lomasky is a good read.

The ultimate performance art piece.

Thirsty? Try male breast-feeding!

Read the Pieces of Flair Screenplay.

Nothing like a little torture to liven up a party.

I'd seen rumors of a Goonies sequel a while back, but it didin't sound very promising, but now that Spielberg has bought the script, this might actually happen. Incidentally, I also spotted Josh Brolin in the snack bar area of the giant Loews Multiplex on 42nd St. last week - a sighting definitely worth one of Ted's 2nd Rate Celebrity Sightings.

A nice collection of amusing church signs.

A whole world of disturbing over at LawForKids.org. Be sure to check out the lawtoons and a not so comforting Magic 8 Ball.

Despite being a confirmed (?!?) Episcopalian, I really couldn't care less about the gayness or lack thereof regarding bishops, but now that I see the new gay Episcopal Bishop is endorsing socialized health care, I want to see him tarred, feathered, and walked off a short plank.

City Journal weighs in on the rise of conservative/libertarian views in the media. Interesting read:

As the show’s co-creator, 32-year-old Matt Stone, sums it [South Park] up: “I hate conservatives, but I really fucking hate liberals.”

There is hope yet.

I always thought Enrique Inglesias was an overrated asshole, now there's proof. (Sure hope this isn't a hoax.... would take all the fun out of it.)

Llamas, Monkeys, and Melting Penises, oh my!

(credit to Todd, Nick and Todd again.)

Another installment of the Star Wars Kid saga.... Adult Swim gives us the Space Ghost Kid.

Now doesn't that just sound yummy....

That does suck. Fortunately, there is probably someone out there with a fetish for girls that are into braining.

And Meredith begins braining herself with her keyboard in a fit of existential fury as she realizes that not even the other blogger on this site reads her posts.......... (See October 3)

I'm not sure if Pumpkin Dog fits the bill, but here's a site devoted to the worst Halloween costumes ever.

Excellent quote, and good mental image:

"With their third (and hopefully, final) Matrix movie, the Wachowski brothers have delivered a dud so disappointing, they may as well have bussed in Ewoks to save Zion."

Well, it's about time

California Town Votes to Love Nature:

Sponsored by a local woman known for wearing hats made of tree bark and newspaper, Measure G won 314 to 152 in the town of 1,200.

The text of the measure, in its entirety: "Vote for Bolinas to be a socially acknowledged nature-loving town because to like to drink the water out of the lakes to like to eat the blueberries to like the bears is not hatred to hotels and motor boats. Dakar. Temporary and way to save life, skunks and foxes (airplanes to go over the ocean) and to make it beautiful."

Tenacious D spoofs David Blaine.

"Yesterday, Black and partner Kyle Gass pledged a gesture as grand as their music, saying they would starve themselves while dangling above Times Square for 45 days - or until their new DVD sold 1 million copies.
'Kyle is going to bring a guitar, and if we need extra nourishment, we will live off the power of each other's rock,' Black said.
MTV's 'Total Request Live' broadcast Black and Gass being hoisted above Times Square at Broadway and 45th St., entering a glass-like box with nothing but a guitar and a bucket."

They lasted about an hour.

It's the end of the world as we know it... *sing along now* ...and I feel fine....

Now this is a sport I could get into.

Ok, so I'm a sucker for legos.

Childish but funny - Presidential Nicknames for American and World Leaders.

Update on the Simpsons/ Fox news thing... it was all a joke.

More reason to hate communists and frogs.

Something tells me Val Kilmer couldn't have done this.

Off to the Hallloween Parade again... I love this holiday. :)

Find out what was really said when Neil Armstrong landed on the moon.

Fox nearly sues itself over a Simpsons parody of its news channel

Rupert Murdoch's Fox News Channel threatened to sue the makers of "The Simpsons" over a parody of the channel's right-wing political stance, the creator of the hit US television show has claimed.

In an interview this week with National Public Radio, Matt Groening recalled how the news channel had considered legal action, despite the fact that "The Simpsons" is broadcast on sister network, Fox Entertainment.

According to Groening, Fox took exception took a Simpsons' version of the Fox News rolling news ticker which parodied the channel's anti-Democrat stance, with headlines like "Do Democrats Cause Cancer?"

"Fox fought against it and said they would sue the show," Groening said.

"We called their bluff because we didn't think Rupert Murdoch would pay for Fox to sue itself. So, we got away with it."

Apparently Forbes magazine has dressed up like The Brunching Shuttlecocks for Halloween and posted these amusing Billionaire Halloween Masks for your very own do-it-yourself capitalist costumes.

Kudos to Mr. Prizio for putting together a Hillsdale College 'Blogging Community link list. Technically, this blog should be listed as a multiple author blog, but I can see how one might assume otherwise. I'm also proud to note that this blog does not remotely resemble any of the standard fare... although, admittedly, I am a bit jealous of Mark's blog.

The NY Times (?!?) gives a nice plug for the Free State Project.

I'm just posting this for posterity. If you haven't seen this page on the Truth about Bowling for Columbine, you should take a look.

Robots that can kick your ass. Skynet will soon be operational....

I can't decide whether to laugh, cry, or buy one just to scare kids on Halloween.


The National Review presents the Ann Coulter Talking Action Figure.

Kind of a strange thing to post... but I really liked this posting about weddings over at Buttafly. Having seen seemingly sane women turn into complete pyscho "I'm going to throw a tantrum because the napkins are folded wrong" brides, I sympathize.

In case you had any questions about your place in the afterlife: Virtual Judgment House 2000. I'll take hell please...

When Jesus can't blog for himself, a 14 yr old home schooler takes on the burden. Check out Christina Blogs for Jesus.

What Economists Do All Day.

Avenue Q on Broadway is hilarious.. "Everybody is a Little Bit Racist" alone was worth the price of admission. Check out some video clips here.

Graffiti maker.

Meet the myth behind the font in Behind the Typeface: Cooper Black.

The Happy Tree Friends really outdo themselves with their Halloween episodes.

I think a performance of Little Red Corvette might have gotten him in the door.

Find out how smart you really are with this endless loop of trivia.

Somehow I must've missed this line:



LOTR engrish subtitles (credit to Will for the link).

Please be sure to buy something totally worthless on November 28 just out of spite.

Mom and dad must be so proud...

Now this would have made David Blaine's stunt a lot more interesting.

Seanbaby gives us a rundown on the ten geekiest hobbies.

How to Tell When a Relationship is Over.

Emma Thompson joins the cast of Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban - ETA June 2004.

Great giggling geekitude! I can hardly wait....


btw - go see Bubba Ho-Tep.. it's excellent.

I can't help but think Matt is making some not-too-subtle commentary on my blogging.. and for the record, this blog has only had one lobster-related flash animation link and it was pretty goddamn funny. :-P

A warning to all lobster-lovers:

Girlfriend Dumped After Forwarding Stupid Link

GREAT FALLS, MT—Amanda Manis was dumped Monday after forwarding boyfriend Anthony Madrid a link for the humor web site LunaticLobsters.com. "I was convinced that I had found my soulmate, my kindred spirit, the woman I could grow old with," Madrid said. "Then, out of nowhere, Mandy e-mails me this stupid link. When I saw those Flash-animation cartoons, I knew it was over."

Never give up.

Angelina Jolie joins Nicholas Cage on my list of "Celebrities I Hate Because They Voluntarily Eat Cockroaches."

Everyone's favorite cop-killer is now an honorary Parisian.

Nothing like a little salt in the wound. Check out PETA's heartfelt fax to Roy Horn as he lay in critical condition:

"The only natural thing that happened on that stage was that this majestic animal lashed out against a captor who was beating him with a microphone because he wouldn't do a trick," Mathews continued. "No matter how much you say that you love the wild animals whom you have confined continents away from their natural homes, you are still the men who have subjugated their wills and natures to further your own careers."

I guess Mary Carey isn't the only one with a porn-themed campaign (her gubernatorial platform is quite priceless, btw)... check out this Arnold clip from the movie Pumping Iron. Just wow.

I can't recommend the Surviving Nugent reality show too highly. Finally someone understands that we like to see them suffer and that all the suffering of Survivor can be compressed into 4 days and 2 hours of pure TV joy.

And I thought keeping my German Shepherd was too much for a New York apartment...

Oh, happy day.... Tom and Nicole brought another being into this world late yesterday. It's a boy. 7 lbs. 6 oz. Mother and baby are happy and healthy. Email me if you need their contact info to send them a congrats...

Update: His name is Erik Wolfgang....

Gives a whole new meaning to that "don't play with your food" adage.

And some people say that our legislators aren't doing enough...

Check out the worst Halloween costumes of all time over at RetroCrush.

Lightning Bolt!!!!

Two goofballs made a music video of "Milk and Cereal" - my favorite song by G Love and Special Sauce.

This is a bit dark even for me.... villian action figures from the war on terror, including the corpse of Uday Hussein:

I'll take my class action fees with sprinkles on top, please. If I ever practice mass tort litigation, someone feel free to set me on fire.

Here's a great article on Vernon Smith and experimental economics and another by Smith on how to give Iraq back to the Iraqis. Good stuff.

Whatever-Dude.com finally finished their series: 10 Degrees of 80's Separation. Scroll down for links to the best of 80's movie nostalgia.

An interesting article on the origin of "Murphy's Law".

[Chuck] Yeager responds gruffly, “That’s the way rumors get started, by these people…who weren’t even there... Guys become, if you’ll pardon my expression, sexual intellectuals. You know what the phrase is for that?” I have to admit no, I’m not familiar with the term. Sexual what? “Sexual intellectuals. They’re fucking know-it-alls, that’s what.”

CH3K OUT THIS SIET WHICH TRANSLAETS ANY T3XT OF UR CHOSNG IN2 12-YAAR-OLD AOLER SPEAK!11!11!1 OMG WTF 2 FUNY11!11!!! OMG WTF LOL

The hotel where Nicole G-C had her wedding reception is being sued for copyright infringement on the Dewey Decimal system. Personally, I think the Library Hotel rocks, but as this blog has clearly established, my coolness credentials are not all in order.

World Beard and Moustache Championships 2003


What else is there to say?

Nick clarifies the Russian currency thing:

The funny thing is that it probably wasn't taken down for reasons of public decency. In Russia, its illegal to advertise using other currencies.

However, as with most laws, this hasn't prevented Russian businesses from using dollars as the price. Instead of writing $50, they write 50 y.e. (pronounced "Oo-yeh") is Russian for "conditional unit" and that miraculously means the ruble equivalent of $50.

I just can't get enough of this bandwagon... David Blaine Assasination Game.

For all your non-sequitur soundbite needs. Just in case that wasn't enough.

Although I believe The Brunching Shuttlecock scooped em by several years (damned if I can find it on the site though...), I still find this Onion bit on Idaville Detective 'Encyclopedia' Brown pretty "fits-of-giggles" funny. I read way too many of these stories as a kid and have many fond memories of the live-action HBO show.

Apparently, even the Russians have standards.

Short on cash?

Sell your soul.

Only you can prevent forest fires.

Nothing to say about this, really.

This is a great story.
Bee + Timberlake = Car crash.

Here's that Ford commercial that was yanked for insensitivity towards flying rats.

The Wave asks the only question that matters: which San Francisco mayoral candidates are replicants? (Credit to Todd for the link.)

The internet comes through for me.... a site dedicated to Blaine baiting.

Maybe all those globalization critics are right, another gem of foreign culture is being lost as China now faces 'Open-Crotch Pants' extinction.

Here's a collection of some of the video bits that have been circulating the web lately. I recommend "The Bus" and "The Bear."

It's Talk Like A Pirate Day!

A great article in Salon about the lameness of David Blaine.

Magicians are historically a sorry-assed lot, who keep company with flame-retardant midgets and frog-swallowers...
...Blaine, a fraction the card shark, looks like the kind of swarthy danger boy that old rich homos would go all the way to Morocco to buy for outlandish sums... He's pulling cigars out of Bridget Hall's bikini and making cognac disappear with Leo DiCaprio while superior magical geeks are honing their skills and trying to be louder than the children's birthday party, trick-shuffling in a vacuum with nobody paying any attention.

From my inbox this morning:

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

I wnoder aobut tehse uvinservity wnkaers wtih tmie to do taht srot of tihng.

Just thought I'd share this map of Europe with the country names in their native languages. ...Ok, so I'm a dork.

Some guy tried to cut the water line going into David Blaine's box. I think it's great that the people taunting Blaine are much more interesting than Blaine's actual "stunt." I predict paintballs will be next...

When you care enough to send the very best: Bloody Finger Mail.

Kaiju Kitten! (Credit to Todd for the link)

Another addictive time waster.... identify movie scenes with invisible characters at FilmWise.

Meatshake update: It's a big meaty lie! (Thanks to Michael Malice for pointing out this hoax .)

By day he's an office clerk... but by night he becomes Angle Grinder Man!!!! Saving parking violators everywhere by sawing off tire boots free of charge.

You just know if this guy lived in the States he'd be running for some kind of office on the LP ticket.

Test your powers of observation with this surprisingly addictive game.

Though I am a meat fan, this just sounds repulsive... apparently there's a bunch of these out in Brooklyn though. So anybody out there have first hand experience with MeatShake?

Click at your own risk... someone's made a Bush mosaic out of assholes. Don't say I didn't warn you.

What's next? Dogs?

"Cambodians are being urged to eat more dogs as part of a crackdown on stray mutts wandering around the capital of the southeast Asian nation.

"City governor Kep Chuktema says it is now time to draw up a special pooch policy to control the growing problem of pavement-fouling strays, and for city-dwellers to throw off their traditional snootiness toward dining on man's best friend.

"'Come on, dog meat is so delicious,' he was quoted as saying in Thursday's Cambodia Daily newspaper. 'The Vietnamese and Koreans love to eat dog meat.'"

First worms, now raccoons...

"[Shaker Heights] City regulations allow employees to request so-called 'scavenge' material, but they must ask each time before taking something.

"But DiPietro added that others in the department told him that the practice of taking raccoons home to eat had been permitted for many years.

"'I was advised that it had happened in the past,' DiPietro said. 'It was something that was done in the department.'

"DiPietro acknowledged that ordinary citizens might find the idea unappealing, but he said the employee making the request was a hunter.

"'Everybody's got their own taste,' he added. 'But these are hunters who are into wild game. . . . They eat raccoons. They eat squirrels.'"

Johnny Cash is dead at 71.

Well, there's things that never will be right I know,
And things need changin' everywhere you go,
But 'til we start to make a move to make a few things right,
You'll never see me wear a suit of white.

Ah, I'd love to wear a rainbow every day,
And tell the world that everything's OK,
But I'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back,
'Till things are brighter, I'm the Man In Black.

Looks like Christian Bale is set to be the next Batman.

Time to revisit an old favorite. I give you Lobster Magnet!!!

Nihilist Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?

Here is an interesting poll of Iraqis that's worth a look.

Isn't it odd that Nick is the one to send me this find...

More David Blaine torture: a FARK group plans to attack him with laser pointers.

From Today's NYPost:
POOR David Blaine. Everybody's favorite magician is being treated like a human piñata as he hangs suspended over the Thames in a Plexiglas coffin for what he says will be 44 days without food. Blaine's box has so far been pelted with eggs, golf balls and even fish and chips. Security guards have been chasing away Blaine's mostly teen tormentors. Two girls even tried to get Blaine's attention by baring their breasts.

I am really looking forward to Bubba Ho-Tep.

A bunch of videos from the Matrix Ping-Pong/Magic Shadow folks.

I just love this title: Jesus Christ Beyond Thunderdome

I remember hearing an MP3 of this a few years ago. Now someone's turned it into an amusing 8 bit D&D video clip.

ASCII movies galore.

Cartman's boombox, a Southpark soundboard.

Meet the ten year old who can kick your ass. It's just wrong.

Where's Kiefer Sutherland and a sniper rifle when you need him?

The short-lived series, Firefly (damn you Fox Network, damn yooooouuuu!!!!!), will be making its way onto the big screen. Also, the DVD of its first and only season is due out in December, which includes the missing 3 episodes that never aired.

Despite the 'endorsement' picture and the fact that this is being bankrolled by Rosie O'Donnell (who convinced Boy George she was serious and not 'pedestrian' by shaving half her head for this), I can't recommend Taboo enough. Laughed myself silly in London last year....

After 2 years, the democrats' filibuster of Estrada's nomination to the D.C. Court of Appeals ends with his withdrawal.

The Onion has a feature interview with P.J. O'Rourke this week:
...anyone who's talking about libertarian ideas and certain basic conservative principles will get people who nod politely and say, "Oh, yeah, we knew that already." It's a pain in the ass.

Wasn't there a kids' book about this? Somebody has to eat a worm a day for a month to win a bet for a bike and discovers that they taste best when fried? Eww.

Anyhow, in real news... for NYers, be sure to check out a Jinx Society debate featuring Michael Malice tomorrow night. As I understand it, Malice will be arguing that terrorism is a legitmate political tactic. His opponent will be a bartender. Should be fun. (See his site for details.)

Speaking of shooting through digestive tracts, check this out:

"'One day, I was sitting there waiting for a fish to eat my bait for hours and was starving. Suddenly, I realized fish don't die from eating worms so I shouldn't either. I ate them until I was full,' Paisit said in a telephone interview.

"He now loves worms, and has become accustomed to chew them instead of swallowing them whole.

"The father of two credited his good health to this dietary supplement, saying a mild flu was the worst illness he's had.

"His co-worker Thepnakorn Kongwien, 28, said Paisit often digs for worms in the area near the fire station.

"'We're used to that. But we still think it's strange and disgusting,' he said.

"Paisit said eating worms was like 'eating mushy sticky rice.' He was referring to chewy glutinous rice, eaten as a snack and sometimes a staple food in parts of Southeast Asia."

I think it's fair to say that the Star Wars Kamasutra, featuring hot Scout Walker on Scout Walker action, easily rivals Episode 1 for absconding with my childhood, shooting it through the digestive tract of bad taste, and leaving me with a big steaming pile of broken dreams.

Sometimes the fat kid really should be the last one picked.

I guess one good argument against open borders might be the loss of comedy relief. Poor bastard.

If you haven't read the 1977 Schwarzenegger interview from Oui, you need to.

Good cop, bad cop.

My horns and tail are showing a bit today:

DICTIONARY OF JAPANESE PERVERSIONS



"Japanese people are stereotyped as being uncreative and lacking in originality. The most common image of a japanese man is a 'salariman' in a grey suit riding on a 'bullet train' full of identically dressed men. But in fact, when he gets home at night, the porn comes out, and he's going to be much more creative and 'unique' than you or I. He's wearing an Airline Stewardess uniform and boxing gloves, watching a DVD of broccoli being put up someone's butt. Let's face it, Japanese porn consumers are so utterly perverted that the industry can't invent new kinks fast enough.

"That being said, this site isn't really porn. There's no dirty pictures, or even dirty words. It's just really naughty anthropology! The infamous used-panty vending machines are just the tip of the iceberg.

"Why did I make this site? Because even though both the internet porn AND the japanese porn are world-famous. . . . For some reason, I couldn't find a dictionary of japanese pornographic terms on the internet!"

Today's life lesson: When you can't figure out why someone refuses to dish any good gossip, it probably means that all the really juicy stuff is about them.

Paul McCartney is Dead!

See the proof for yourself.

Cornell West finally has some competition ... check out the musical stylings of Orrin Hatch.

Get them while they last: Extra Ugly t-shirts are what all the kids will be wearing this Fall!

Advice from Maddox:

"I know you think you're the first person to discover the fat Star Wars kid video, and although everyone enjoys the timeless humor of a kid twirling a pole, assume that everyone has already seen it and DON'T SEND IT TO ME OR ANYONE ELSE. To be on the safe side, format your hard drive and cancel your internet account."

Here's a lengthy but interesting piece in the Atlantic Monthly about everyone's favorite libertarian media mogul, Rupert Murdoch.

New army tactic in Iraq: Girls for Guns

"U.S. troops in Iraq have started what they're calling the 'Girls for Guns Program' after a young Iraqi man was willing to turn in his weapons -- a rocket-propelled grenade and two heavy machine guns -- in exchange for pictures of Carmen Electra in a bikini."

Those wacky Japs are at it again... first it was Matrix Ping Pong and now it's Magic Shadow.

Test your knowledge of Middle East/ N. Africa geography. My own attempt was nothing to brag about.

Star Wars Kid goes mainstream...

Looks like I've got my work cut out for me:

So You've Decided to be Evil...

A Step-by-Step Guide to joining the Forces of Darkness

I'm a big fan of John McWhorter after I watched him disembowel a pair of lawyers in an affirmative action debate at Fordham last year. Here's a nice vitriolic piece he wrote for City Journal detailing why rap music retards black success.

Sorry for the spotty blogging.. just got back to NY on Saturday and I'm living out of boxes. I am busy getting my life together and haven't found the time to really procrastinate on anything important.
Also, FedEx just delivered my PC today and it was pretty bashed up and parts were rattling all over the place. This is the second time I've shipped this PC by FedEx and had it arrive in pieces. Anyhow, I had it back up and running in about an hour (thank you child-laborers of southeast Asia), but I still don't have internet access. This should be remedied within the week... until then my blogging may be a bit sparse.

At least the methods for finding Saddam are getting more creative. Here's a little something to give you nightmares:

Cincinnati crazy for cornhole

Now that's a great headline. You really do learn something new every day.

Are you there God? It's me, Margaret.

"We all want to know if God exists; maybe He just needs a reliable method to let us know He's here."

Buy your God Detector today, and start keeping track of all the action!

The latest iteration of the Nazi party: The Libertarian National Socialist Green Party

I sure hope someone's kidding.

It's the Star Wars Kid in ASCII.

Bushspeak Hangman.

Today's Photoshop on FARK - Schwarzenegger campaign ads:

Thanks to Beth for reminding me to visit www.despair.com. Great for those last minute stocking stuffers...

Just when I thought we were running low on heroes, someone slams a pie in Ralph Nader's face.

Tasteless but funny.. the Jack Black soundboard.

Finally found a reason to visit Arkansas (in honor of Matt who is rumored to have relocated there... ).

Mosh.

Since I am 'vacationing' in Detroit, I can't promise any decent posts for the next few days (especially since the other bloggers on this site have been silent for quite some time now...), so to keep you busy, here are a bunch of classic Nintendo games to fend off the despair and keep you safely buried in childhood nostalgia while I'm away.

If only all elections were driven by recall... among the contenders for the California governorship:

Arnold Schwarzenegger
Arianna Huffington
Gary Coleman
Gallagher

Democracy surrenders.

Best movie rumor I've heard in a while: Dan Simmon's Hyperion series may be turned into a movie trilogy (with rumors of Scorsese and DiCarprio thrown in the mix).
This is a great series by one of my favorite authors. I even bothered to seek him out meet (read: stalk) him a few years ago. Hopefully, they won't totally butcher the story... anyone know if Peter Jackson is busy?

Just had to share some geek trivia.... for Angel fans, the character named Numfar who shows up in Pylea at the end of season 2 and is ordered to dance ("Numfar, Do the Dance of Joy!" "Numfar, Do the Dance of Shame!" etc.) is actually Joss Whedon.

Apparently Hitchens felt that not enough people were actively resenting him this week and wrote a piece for Slate entitled "Did Bob Hope Ever Say Anything Funny?" which leads me to think that Hitchens obit might one day read "Did Christopher Hitchens Ever Say Anything Nice?"

Those Google editors are at it again... search "crackhead" and hit "I'm feeling lucky."

In case you haven't met the net obsession that is Homestarrunner, a good introduction is the online game "Population Tire" (thanks to Will for pointing it out) and be sure to check out some of the StrongBad emails.

Flash games to kill your productivity.

World Sauna-Sitting championships in Helsinki

And they say we Finns don't know how to have a good time....

For future reference: Monkey Phone Call

I know one day someone will have a need and will make excellent use of this.

I discovered this morning that the terror market idea belongs to a GMU econ professor (should have known).... anyhow, here's a good write-up as to why it really doesn't suck.

This week's Onion has a feature story on the previously mentioned comedy troupe, Stella.

O: Why do you think there are so many Jews in comedy?

MIB: Because big noses are funny.

DW: Also, a lot of Jews have sort of thin, spindly fingers they use to take money out of cash registers. That's very funny.

MS: If you prick them, do they not bleed?

MIB: The answer is no, they don't. They ooze. They ooze dirt.

For Nicole (and anyone else expecting children in the near future): a primer on how not to scar your child with a bad name. Be sure to check out the "best of" list.

Opinion Journal has a great bit on everyone's favorite populist hate-monger, Michael Moore.

Turns out the bambi paintball thing was a hoax. I don't see how reporters can get so righteous about public gullibility though - just look at all the bizarro stuff out there that is true. The paintball story doesn't even come close to pushing the boundaries of "unlikely."

...not that I'm encouraging anything, but Modern Drunkard Magazine really is an amazing cultural contribution....

wuh? gah...uhhh.. biotech... mutant mouse...gicky....artist to graft internet-enabled third ear to arm... disturbed now...

Futurama is ending after four seasons. :(

Just testing out the new "BlogThis!" thingamajig on the blogger site. If you go to: http://new.blogger.com/home.pyra a window pops up that let's you blog directly. It's supposed to work with any browser (which means that Todd and his Mac might actually be able to join the blogging world....).

The old MTV sketch comedy show, "The State," is now achived online. These are the same guys who did Viva Variety, Red Hot American Summer, Stella, and the now airing Reno 911.

Go to Google. Search: "french military victories" Hit I'm Feeling Lucky

The Amazing Race & Monster Garage vs. The U.S. Coast Guard



We should be giving these guys their own reality show, not sending them back to Cuba.

No doubt movie-a-minute will manage to condense its review of J. Lo and Bennifer's new movie, Gigli, even further, but I'm pretty sure this one says it all:

In one scene Lopez, 33, tries to seduce Affleck, 30, by laying on a bed and telling him: "It's turkey time!"

When he asks: "What?", she replies: "Come on, gobble, gobble". Another reviewer said: "It was possibly the worst line ever said in a movie."

Apparently the NY budget crisis missed the DOT.

Pixar has put all of their short films online.

Bruce Lee statue planned for Mostar, Bosnia. This confirms Nick's report that the city would bounce back to its former glory within the decade. Now I definitely have to visit.

Meth producers in North Carolina may be charged as terrorists for "manufacturing a nuclear or chemical weapon." I understand that busting meth labs is a dangerous job and puts a burr in the jack boots of justice... but really, there's got to be a better solution. (Legalize!!!!) And just as a side note, this may not actually be Ashcroft's fault who, by the way, is apparently a big Simpson's fan...

The Lord's Prayer in Ebonics:

Yo, Big Daddy upstairs,
You be chillin
So be yo hood
You be sayin' it, I be doin' it
In this here hood and yo's
Gimme some eats
And cut me some slack, Blood
Sos I be doin' it to dem dat diss me
Don't be pushing me into no jive
Ang keep dem crips away
Cause you always be da man, G
Straight up.
Aa-men.

Today's PSA's:

Guide to Being a Functional Alcoholic

Dealing With NY Landlords (in honor of my weekend spent in hellish apartment hunting -- but, good news, I did find a place.. I'll be back in Hell's Kitchen by mid-August)

The Matrix in animated ASCII... just cool.

Well, it's a start.

Gotta check out the Fellowship Baptist Creation Science Fair. My personal favorite entries:

1st Place: "My Uncle Is A Man Named Steve (Not A Monkey)"
Cassidy Turnbull (grade 5) presented her uncle, Steve. She also showed photographs of monkeys and invited fairgoers to note the differences between her uncle and the monkeys. She tried to feed her uncle bananas, but he declined to eat them. Cassidy has conclusively shown that her uncle is no monkey.

"Pokemon Prove Evolutionism Is False" - Paul Sanborn (grade 4)
(no further details provided)

2nd Place: "Women Were Designed For Homemaking"
Jonathan Goode (grade 7) applied findings from many fields of science to support his conclusion that God designed women for homemaking: physics shows that women have a lower center of gravity than men, making them more suited to carrying groceries and laundry baskets; biology shows that women were designed to carry un-born babies in their wombs and to feed born babies milk, making them the natural choice for child rearing; social sciences show that the wages for women workers are lower than for normal workers, meaning that they are unable to work as well and thus earn equal pay; and exegetics shows that God created Eve as a companion for Adam, not as a co-worker.

"Thermodynamics Of Hell Fire" - Tom Williamson (grade 12)

For every step forward, there's a giant disturbing misogynist naked bambi paintball leap backward.

All of my favorite philosophers turn out to be nazis and/or opportunists. What can I say... I surrender.

With a face like that, how couldn't God grant Supreme Court retirement prayers?

(And doesn't Pat Robertson look like a live-action South Park character?)

Wiggaz. Keepin' it real since Eminem blurred the memories of Vanilla Ice.

Just when I was worried that I wouldn't have a label to cash in on ( the gender bit really doesnt' have much fire these days), I am now a repressed minority with a label and apparently a gripe. (Well, ok, I wasn't exactly lacking in the gripe department....)

Just say no. No, really.

I just can't think of a caption that reflects just how funny I find this picture. It ranks up there with the Nick Nolte smoking gun DUI photo for sending me into fits of uncontrollable giggles... you go get 'em Celine.

What could you do with $4 billion a month?

A worthy competitor to the Shizzolator has arrived.


Finally some good uses for technology: transfomer high heels and nippits. Its a great week for womankind.

Matrix Ping-Pong. Does it make sense? No.
Thank you, NTV.

Try this soon, before Google fixes its site:

1) Go to www.Google.com

2) type in (but don't hit return): "weapons of mass destruction"

3) Hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button, instead of the normal "Google search" button

4) Read what APPEARS to be a normal error message carefully.

I'm melting! I'm melting!

Ever wondered what gamma rays and enlargement emails have in common?

Finns create union for public transit freeloaders... it's a better idea than you might think.

Here is an interesting read on the evolution of anti-americanism. Although it digs into dear Nietzsche and Heidegger - can't really disagree... their respective political views had all of the sense and sophistication of dead pig boating.

From Todd:

Forty-four pages of photos explaining the meaning of Scientology and
your role as a Volunteer Minister: http://www.bloodyspew.com/

Technology has brought us so far. Those poor SOBs in the middle ages never had the opportunity to experience the joy of dead pig boating like we can.

Worst movie ever: The Truth About Charlie

It's the kind of movie that's so bad you can't stop watching. Just when you think the train wreck can't get any worse, it gets even more French.

And on yet another topic that no one care about but me, the Colorado Avalanche just acquired the two best players from the Anaheim Ducks: Paul Kariya and Teemu Selanne (who looks awfully latino for being a Finn...). Since they're putting together a fantasy team for this season, no doubt they'll tank, but it'll be fun to root for them in the meantime (gotta love Peter Forsberg!). [And, yes, this post was about hockey and it wasn't sarcastic. It's the one sport I actually enjoy watching.]

Correction: Selanne has actually been playing for San Jose since 2001.

After some intensive googling, I was unable to locate a site that is devoted to tearing apart those goddamn awful "Infect Truth" commercials. Although I was assured that I am not alone in my hatred of them, I nonetheless feel that the internet has failed me.

For all things Whedon, check out this lengthy interview. Interesting bits:

IGNFF: What is the current future of Firefly?

WHEDON: The current future of Firefly is that I'm writing a movie script that I have some hope of actually getting made.

IGNFF: What is the current production status on the Firefly DVDs?

WHEDON: They should be coming out in the fall. Late fall.

IGNFF: The full-on special edition?

WHEDON: Oh my god. They couldn't be specialer. We've got three unaired episodes, commentary by every cast member, big interviews with everybody, gag reel – all kinds of stuff. It's just bells and whistles, and they'll be in the right order. And widescreen. So it really couldn't be better DVD package... a wicked one, at that. They really went to town on it. I was like, "I don't know if they'll release them on DVD, because it was cancelled," and they're not only releasing it, they're doing everything. I did the commentary on the two-hour pilot with Nathan. He and Alan did one together... Alan Tudyk. It's really exciting.

If I'm to have seconds, they'll be rich seconds, thank you very much.

"Mommy, make the scary lady go away.”
(Thanks to Beth for the find.)

Somehow I managed to talk my boss into having me lead a brown bag lunch discussion on the topic of health care privacy in two weeks. If anyone knows how that happened, please clue me in.

Perhaps I just need to work harder at projecting an air of incompetence.

Here's a fun Fourth of July thing. (Not the easiest site to load, but nifty when it works...)

Well whaddaya know.... turns out that St. Urho's Day is the day before St. Patrick's day. And all these years I was misled into believing it was on St. Patrick's day. Guess I'll have to alert the relatives.

Competitive hellfire and damnation. This needs to be on CSPAN.

If you haven't seen the new Ren and Stimpy, then you haven't truly lived.

Here's a parody of that nifty Honda commercial.

And, especially for comic book geeks, the heromachine is a great waste of time.

This is pretty well done. Something of a cross between viking kittens and political commentary.

I knew the Chinese should never have caved. Now look what's happened. Damned PETAnese.

Eminem mocks everybody's favorite mutant.

Also, an update on "Virgin Wha?!?"

In case you thought your job sucked, it can always be worse:

There are plenty of challenges. If Hauge is too early the annoyed cow can bolt, if late then he loses much of the sample to the ground. And even when he gets it right, the pan doesn't get it all, sometimes his arm gets it, sometimes his face.

"I just have to wait until they do it. Once I sat an hour and a half with one, waiting. But there are 21 cows in the project, so I can go to the one that's ready to crap," Hauge said.

"Sometimes it just sprays in all directions. The consistency varies from cow to cow. It's important to note things like this, so that I can run away if I need to," Hauge explained to VG.

All for $10 an hour.

The Onion AV Club is running a best interviews of this week, including Berkeley Breathed. Here's a little nugget:

O: Is the liberal stance of the early strips indicative of your own personal politics?

BB: Liberal, shmiberal. That should be a new word. Shmiberal: one who is assumed liberal, just because he's a professional whiner in the newspaper. If you'll read the subtext for many of those old strips, you'll find the heart of an old-fashioned Libertarian. And I'd be a Libertarian, if they weren't all a bunch of tax-dodging professional whiners.

Hallelujah!

if you're trying to break into country music, make sure your publicity photo doesn't look like a drag king Corey Feldman.