For future reference: Monkey Phone Call

I know one day someone will have a need and will make excellent use of this.

I discovered this morning that the terror market idea belongs to a GMU econ professor (should have known).... anyhow, here's a good write-up as to why it really doesn't suck.

This week's Onion has a feature story on the previously mentioned comedy troupe, Stella.

O: Why do you think there are so many Jews in comedy?

MIB: Because big noses are funny.

DW: Also, a lot of Jews have sort of thin, spindly fingers they use to take money out of cash registers. That's very funny.

MS: If you prick them, do they not bleed?

MIB: The answer is no, they don't. They ooze. They ooze dirt.

For Nicole (and anyone else expecting children in the near future): a primer on how not to scar your child with a bad name. Be sure to check out the "best of" list.

Opinion Journal has a great bit on everyone's favorite populist hate-monger, Michael Moore.

Turns out the bambi paintball thing was a hoax. I don't see how reporters can get so righteous about public gullibility though - just look at all the bizarro stuff out there that is true. The paintball story doesn't even come close to pushing the boundaries of "unlikely."

...not that I'm encouraging anything, but Modern Drunkard Magazine really is an amazing cultural contribution....

wuh? gah...uhhh.. biotech... mutant mouse...gicky....artist to graft internet-enabled third ear to arm... disturbed now...

Futurama is ending after four seasons. :(

Just testing out the new "BlogThis!" thingamajig on the blogger site. If you go to: http://new.blogger.com/home.pyra a window pops up that let's you blog directly. It's supposed to work with any browser (which means that Todd and his Mac might actually be able to join the blogging world....).

The old MTV sketch comedy show, "The State," is now achived online. These are the same guys who did Viva Variety, Red Hot American Summer, Stella, and the now airing Reno 911.

Go to Google. Search: "french military victories" Hit I'm Feeling Lucky

The Amazing Race & Monster Garage vs. The U.S. Coast Guard



We should be giving these guys their own reality show, not sending them back to Cuba.

No doubt movie-a-minute will manage to condense its review of J. Lo and Bennifer's new movie, Gigli, even further, but I'm pretty sure this one says it all:

In one scene Lopez, 33, tries to seduce Affleck, 30, by laying on a bed and telling him: "It's turkey time!"

When he asks: "What?", she replies: "Come on, gobble, gobble". Another reviewer said: "It was possibly the worst line ever said in a movie."

Apparently the NY budget crisis missed the DOT.

Pixar has put all of their short films online.

Bruce Lee statue planned for Mostar, Bosnia. This confirms Nick's report that the city would bounce back to its former glory within the decade. Now I definitely have to visit.

Meth producers in North Carolina may be charged as terrorists for "manufacturing a nuclear or chemical weapon." I understand that busting meth labs is a dangerous job and puts a burr in the jack boots of justice... but really, there's got to be a better solution. (Legalize!!!!) And just as a side note, this may not actually be Ashcroft's fault who, by the way, is apparently a big Simpson's fan...

The Lord's Prayer in Ebonics:

Yo, Big Daddy upstairs,
You be chillin
So be yo hood
You be sayin' it, I be doin' it
In this here hood and yo's
Gimme some eats
And cut me some slack, Blood
Sos I be doin' it to dem dat diss me
Don't be pushing me into no jive
Ang keep dem crips away
Cause you always be da man, G
Straight up.
Aa-men.

Today's PSA's:

Guide to Being a Functional Alcoholic

Dealing With NY Landlords (in honor of my weekend spent in hellish apartment hunting -- but, good news, I did find a place.. I'll be back in Hell's Kitchen by mid-August)

The Matrix in animated ASCII... just cool.

Well, it's a start.

Gotta check out the Fellowship Baptist Creation Science Fair. My personal favorite entries:

1st Place: "My Uncle Is A Man Named Steve (Not A Monkey)"
Cassidy Turnbull (grade 5) presented her uncle, Steve. She also showed photographs of monkeys and invited fairgoers to note the differences between her uncle and the monkeys. She tried to feed her uncle bananas, but he declined to eat them. Cassidy has conclusively shown that her uncle is no monkey.

"Pokemon Prove Evolutionism Is False" - Paul Sanborn (grade 4)
(no further details provided)

2nd Place: "Women Were Designed For Homemaking"
Jonathan Goode (grade 7) applied findings from many fields of science to support his conclusion that God designed women for homemaking: physics shows that women have a lower center of gravity than men, making them more suited to carrying groceries and laundry baskets; biology shows that women were designed to carry un-born babies in their wombs and to feed born babies milk, making them the natural choice for child rearing; social sciences show that the wages for women workers are lower than for normal workers, meaning that they are unable to work as well and thus earn equal pay; and exegetics shows that God created Eve as a companion for Adam, not as a co-worker.

"Thermodynamics Of Hell Fire" - Tom Williamson (grade 12)

For every step forward, there's a giant disturbing misogynist naked bambi paintball leap backward.

All of my favorite philosophers turn out to be nazis and/or opportunists. What can I say... I surrender.

With a face like that, how couldn't God grant Supreme Court retirement prayers?

(And doesn't Pat Robertson look like a live-action South Park character?)

Wiggaz. Keepin' it real since Eminem blurred the memories of Vanilla Ice.

Just when I was worried that I wouldn't have a label to cash in on ( the gender bit really doesnt' have much fire these days), I am now a repressed minority with a label and apparently a gripe. (Well, ok, I wasn't exactly lacking in the gripe department....)

Just say no. No, really.

I just can't think of a caption that reflects just how funny I find this picture. It ranks up there with the Nick Nolte smoking gun DUI photo for sending me into fits of uncontrollable giggles... you go get 'em Celine.

What could you do with $4 billion a month?

A worthy competitor to the Shizzolator has arrived.


Finally some good uses for technology: transfomer high heels and nippits. Its a great week for womankind.

Matrix Ping-Pong. Does it make sense? No.
Thank you, NTV.

Try this soon, before Google fixes its site:

1) Go to www.Google.com

2) type in (but don't hit return): "weapons of mass destruction"

3) Hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button, instead of the normal "Google search" button

4) Read what APPEARS to be a normal error message carefully.

I'm melting! I'm melting!

Ever wondered what gamma rays and enlargement emails have in common?

Finns create union for public transit freeloaders... it's a better idea than you might think.

Here is an interesting read on the evolution of anti-americanism. Although it digs into dear Nietzsche and Heidegger - can't really disagree... their respective political views had all of the sense and sophistication of dead pig boating.

From Todd:

Forty-four pages of photos explaining the meaning of Scientology and
your role as a Volunteer Minister: http://www.bloodyspew.com/

Technology has brought us so far. Those poor SOBs in the middle ages never had the opportunity to experience the joy of dead pig boating like we can.

Worst movie ever: The Truth About Charlie

It's the kind of movie that's so bad you can't stop watching. Just when you think the train wreck can't get any worse, it gets even more French.

And on yet another topic that no one care about but me, the Colorado Avalanche just acquired the two best players from the Anaheim Ducks: Paul Kariya and Teemu Selanne (who looks awfully latino for being a Finn...). Since they're putting together a fantasy team for this season, no doubt they'll tank, but it'll be fun to root for them in the meantime (gotta love Peter Forsberg!). [And, yes, this post was about hockey and it wasn't sarcastic. It's the one sport I actually enjoy watching.]

Correction: Selanne has actually been playing for San Jose since 2001.

After some intensive googling, I was unable to locate a site that is devoted to tearing apart those goddamn awful "Infect Truth" commercials. Although I was assured that I am not alone in my hatred of them, I nonetheless feel that the internet has failed me.

For all things Whedon, check out this lengthy interview. Interesting bits:

IGNFF: What is the current future of Firefly?

WHEDON: The current future of Firefly is that I'm writing a movie script that I have some hope of actually getting made.

IGNFF: What is the current production status on the Firefly DVDs?

WHEDON: They should be coming out in the fall. Late fall.

IGNFF: The full-on special edition?

WHEDON: Oh my god. They couldn't be specialer. We've got three unaired episodes, commentary by every cast member, big interviews with everybody, gag reel – all kinds of stuff. It's just bells and whistles, and they'll be in the right order. And widescreen. So it really couldn't be better DVD package... a wicked one, at that. They really went to town on it. I was like, "I don't know if they'll release them on DVD, because it was cancelled," and they're not only releasing it, they're doing everything. I did the commentary on the two-hour pilot with Nathan. He and Alan did one together... Alan Tudyk. It's really exciting.

If I'm to have seconds, they'll be rich seconds, thank you very much.

"Mommy, make the scary lady go away.”
(Thanks to Beth for the find.)